These past few months we’ve been busy running our waterbed store, Wet Dreams.  Our buy a twin, get a set of twins promotion was highly successful. As was our commercial featuring Billy Ocean crooning, “Get out of my dreams and get into Wet Dreams.” We declared the sale Serta-fiably sexy. As far as sleep numbers go, every customer’s was a 69. Ironically, we grew restless selling beds (after a while, we lost the box spring in our step), so back to blogging we go, like a moth to a flame or a butterfly to a Tiffany lamp (they’re attracted to colorful light). This Super Bowl is a re-match of the 2007 game, making it less somewhat less than super (we’d describe it as “accepta-bowl”), but it’s still worth betting on (we have a lot of money stored under our unsold mattresses). Here are some prop bets that will probably blow up in our faces like homemade meth (we knew we should’ve used the Betty Crack-er mix). So degenerates: Are you ready for some gam-ball?

1:3 Odds a despondent Aaron Rodgers pantomimes hanging himself with his imaginary championship belt.

10:1 Odds we dub his maneuver the “discount double choke.”

1:10 Odds Al Michaels spaces out and thinks he’s calling the Indy 500 race.

1:20 Odds Giants WR Victor Cruz puts a literal spin on his salsa dance celebration but dunking a football into a jar of salsa if he scores. 1:15 Odds he does the limbo under the goal posts.

1:25 Odds Pats coach Bill Belichick switches from a sleeveless hoodie to a hood-less one.

1:50 Odds Madonna brings Tim Tebow onstage during halftime for a duet of “Like a Virgin.”

1: 100,000 Odds Tebow then converts Madonna to Christianity.

1:75 Odds a confused Harrison Ford is spotted at the game wearing a fedora and holding a bullwhip because he noticed “Indy” has been trending all week.

2:1 Odds Giants coach Tom Coughlin’s face turns all colors on the Homeland Security’s terror alert level chart before the game is over.

Aaron Rodgers has gone to the State Farm upstate.

1:5 Odds Chad Ochocinco will change his name to “Uno Super Bowl-o” or “Cero Super Bowl-o,” depending on the outcome.

1:500 Odds Pats TE Rob Gronkowski spikes the ball so hard that it leaves the Earth’s atmosphere.

1:1,000 Odds it collides with an NBC satellite, causing a temporary blackout for TV viewers.

1:20 Odds Eli Manning gets choked up after the game.

1: 30 Odds he gets choked out… by jealous brother Peyton.

1:50 Odds Pats enormous DT Vince Wilfork gets injured and has to be carted off the field by a forklift.

1:80 Odds versatile Pats WR/DB/returner Julian Edelman is asked to call plays.

1:15 Odds he’s asked to star in an NBC series.

1:100 Odds that if Tom Brady wins his third championship the Tea Party will nominate him, as a true Patriot, to run for President.

50:1 Odds Brady, should he accept the nomination, will immediately be beating Mitt Romney in the polls.

1:200 Odds New York’s game-day ritual consists of listening to They Might Be Giants, watching Little Giants and shopping at a Giant supermarket.

1:300 Odds New England counters by watching The Patriot, Patriot Games and It’s Pat: The Movie.

1:15 Odds that more Americans who DVR the game fast forward through the football to watch the commercials.

Can we all agree that popping your collar is douchey? It’s essentially the “high class” mullet, as if to say “I’m completely unaware of how fucking ridiculous this is.” I’m just waiting for the day they start creating “pre-popped” collars, followed by a series of popped collars, each douchier than the last, like how there was a double razor, followed by the mach3, then then quattro, etc.. Perhaps I’ve inspired a douchey coporation towards evil just now.

Now, before you say “wait a minute, it looks good on me!” stop yourself. Go to hotchickswithdouchebags.com and count how many guys (who actually have a shirt on) have popped collars. Notice a trend?

That being said, there have been exceptions to the rule, notably 3 dudes in history able to pull off the popped collar:

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Putting the ‘high’ in “high school,” a math teacher in Illinois was busted for smoking pot on the job. The habit explained her fascination with imaginary numbers.

XXX-Men: A woman in Virginia who bought what was supposed to be a cartoon superhero movie at Target for her son, wound up with a gay porn movie instead. She should’ve been tipped off by the title, “The Fantastic Foursome.”

Finally, Applebee’s lives up to its name: A large cloud of bees flew in front of a Florida restaurant, causing patrons to flee. A waitress came over to serve the swarm, asking, “Whaddaya want, honey?”

He’s on cloud nine: The hunt for a Brazilian priest who vanished into the sky after strapping 1,000 balloons to himself (probably not the best way to get to Heaven) was called off after four days. Authorities didn’t want to get carried away searching for him.

Hour mistake: Watch maker Romain Jerome is selling 300K piece that’s truly timeless – it can only tell the wearer whether it’s day or night. The initial batch sold out in 48 hours, so evidently buyers aren’t giving the watch’s limitations a second thought.

Mine over matter: A man in Allentown, Pa. Survived a 500-foot fall into a strip mine. When questioned about the tumble, the man asked that the subject be dropped.

No monkey business: Yoko Ono is suing the producers of Ben Stein’s pro-creationist documentary, which uses John Lennon’s song “Imagine” without her permission. Ono hopes to “Win Ben Stein’s Money.”

Prisoner 57: Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to 3 years in jail for tax evasion – one for every “Blade” movie.

Fur sure: Shakira and Pamela Anderson were both in D.C. Speaking on behalf of animal rights group PETA. They thought the organization’s letters stood for “People for the Ethical Treatment of Airheads.”

Jim Beamed: Amy Winehouse was jailed for headbutting a man outside a London bar. The man said his noggin hurt worse after listening to her music than the blow to the melon.

Bomb’s away: A World War II bomb that was scheduled to be detonated at sea after it turned up on British shores has gone missing. It’s probably washed up on eBay.

Liquid Crystal Deceit: A Missouri man tried to switch the price tag of an LCD TV and a bottle of water at a Wal-Mart and claim the set cost $3.16. Authorities have labeled him an “aqua fienda.”
Never bean done: Oklahoma City mayor Mick Cornett has partnered with Taco Bell to convince the city’s residents to lose 1 million pounds this year. The fast food chain has promised to help people with their crunches.

Vanilla Ice was arrested on domestic battery charges after an argument with his spouse. It’s the irrelevant rapper’s first hit in more than a decade.

From Wentz it came: Ashlee Simpson is reportedly pregnant with rocker Pete Wentz’s child. A guess as to what will fall out: boy.

Woah, halfway there. Woah, drivin’ while impaired: Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was busted for DUI. He’s wanted dead or alive.

He should stick to ‘Melo Yellow: Denver forward Carmelo Anthony was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Police estimate that he was a mile high.

Studying hard: Students from Randolph College in Virginia took a class field trip to the Chicken Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada. Unfortunately, the cash-strapped students only had enough money to stay for one hour.

J.K. Growling: Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is suing to halt publication of “Harry Potter Lexicon,” saying the reference guide is attempting to steal and cash in on her work. You can’t spell “muggle” without ‘mug.’

Horsing around: Meanwhile, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliff will bring his naked body over to America this year, starring in the play Equis on Broadway, which gained attention because the young actor does a nude scene. Randcliff says exposing himself on stage doesn’t bother him, not after the thorough strip searches he’s received on prior visits from U.S. Customs agents.

Putting the ‘Rev’ in “Revlon:” The alleged reason Britney Spears caused a minor fender-bender in L.A. was because she was putting on makeup while driving. Spears apparently misunderstood her therapist’s plea to “apply herself.”

Falling stars: CBS has canceled reality show “Secret Talent’s of the Stars” after only one episode. When it came to ratings, it was a big dipper.

Fly like the Eagles: Stephen Colbert is in Philadelphia this week hosting his show. Colbert should go over well there, as his character’s logic is more twisted than a soft pretzel.

The sum of all fires: A blaze damaged the Maryland home of author Tom Clancy. The writer is no longer in any clear and present danger.

I want to see members of PETA in an all out brawl to see who gets to pry the gun out of heston’s cold dead hand now. Is that so wrong?

The answer is yes. But it feels so right.

Looking for allies in the alleys, Barack Obama bowled in Pennsylvania, which will hold a primary April 22. He rolled a 37. Pinned down about his poor performance, Obama said he hadn’t bowled since Jimmy Carter was in office, but that’s a lane excuse. If Obama can’t exude more machismo than Hillary Clinton in the democratic race, he’ll wind up on a split ticket.

Tech support
Kobe Bryant is the clear choice for MVP, provided that stands for Most Volatile Player. Bryant leads the league in technical fouls. He’s on pace to produce more whine than Napa Valley.

Ludichris
He’s no Warrior: Chris Webber has decided to retire less than two months after returning to the NBA. Seems C-Webb couldn’t shake the cobwebs out of his creaky knees. Golden State was hoping for a storybook comeback when they signed him. Since Webber only managed to play in nine games, it turned out to be a grim fairytale.

Low Cal
California fired men’s basketball coach Ben Braun recently, citing the school’s failure to reach the NCAA tournament the past five years. When asked for a reaction to his dismissal, Braun bristled.

Bury Barry
The San Francisco Giants have begun to remove images and references to Barry Bonds from their stadium. Pretty soon you’ll need a GoldenEye to spot any trace of Bonds at AT&T Park.

Hardcover edition
Sometimes multitasking can get you into trouble. For instance. Penn State basketball player Stanley Pringle was charged with public lewdness and disorderly conduct after being caught masturbating in the school library while hitting on a woman. Pringle first claimed he was boning up on his studies, but now he alleges he was trying to master the gooey decimal system.

A poach shot
Chef Paul Prudhomme might want to wear a Kevlar apron next time he’s on the greens. Prudhomme was cooking in a tent prior to the Zurich Classic when he was nicked by a bullet. Undeterred, Prudhomme resumed food preparations, but later — adding salt to injury — he was subjecting to some light grilling by police.

Out of the mix
The Dolphins signed free agent safety Chris Crocker to a contract. A strange move since the only Crocker who has a recipe for success is Betty.

Matter of Nationals interest
President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game in the team’s new stadium to supposed steroid-user Paul Lo Duca, who was juiced to glove a ball from the Commander-in-Chief.

Allow us to upbraid the NFL’s consideration of a new tuck rule that would force players with long hair to harbor it inside their helmets. Perhaps the league should focus less on the players’ locks and more on preventing players from getting locked up. Mark our words, if the NFL implements such a policy, they will come to dread the decision.

Bush league: President Bush is slated to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game tonight. Chances are it’ll sink to the ground faster than the economy. Dick Cheney volunteered to be the catcher — he was very concerned about protecting home.

Carr troubles: Departing Michigan offensive lineman Justin Boren voiced an offensive line of his own about the football team, remarking that without former coach Lloyd Carr, “family values have eroded.” Minus Carr, Boren has lost his drive.

Ahead of the curves: No Red Sox would’ve been more delighted if the team’s threatened boycott of a trip to Japan had been successful than Caly Buchholz, since he’d have had more time to spend with his pet — Penthouse Pet of the Year Erica Ellyson. Buchholz was previously involved with a Victoria Secret model. Seems like Clay’s the one doing the molding.

Triple threat: Doing some long-range thinking, the NCAA will move the 3-point line back one foot next season. Announcers have already adjusted the expression “from downtown” to “from the suburbs.”

Because there’s nothing else to do in that one-horse town: 115,300 people saw Boston face L.A. Saturday, a world record for attendance at a baseball game. Guess none of the Dodgers were crowd dodgers.

Next time, pass: Greg Oden is in trouble — for playing basketball. So excited to return to the court after an injury that caused him to miss all of his rookie year, Oden participated in a pickup game, unbeknownst to his team, who reprimanded him for it. They’d much prefer he devout his free time to getting into altercations outside nightclubs or recording a rap album, you know, more traditional hobbies for NBA players.

Monkey business: LeBron James’ forthcoming Vogue cover, in which he is showing baring his teeth and grabbing Gisele Bundchen by the waist, depicts him as ape-like and reinforces racial stereotypes, according to critics. LeBron was pleased with the shot, adding that he’d changed his nickname from “King James” to “King Kong James.”

Sew what: After receiving a gash during a collision Friday, Memphis’s Derrick Rose was told by team staff he needed stitches. Rose, who doesn’t like being pricked, refused and ran out of the locker room. According to his mother, Rose has always feared needles and it’s still a thorny issue.

Newly appointed New York governor David Paterson admitted to cheating on his wife during a tough time in their marriage. We’ll try to turn a blind eye to his tryst.

Two can scam: Thinking outside of the cereal box, a pair of sisters in Virginia are selling an Illinois-shaped corn flake on ebay. It’s bound to be someone’s lucky charm.

Paris Hilton is going to host a reality show on TV in which she searches for a new best friend. Money just wasn’t cutting it anymore.

Minnie Driver revealed she was pregnant to Jay Leno. Driver is hoping it’s a girl, as she can’t wait to have a mini-Minnie.

Mariah Carey told Allure magazine, “I understand that people think I am a ditzy moron.” Carey went on to say that it hurts to be compared to Jessica Simpson.

Lloyd’s of London has insured a wine maker in France’s nose for 5 million euros. He’ll probably never so much as sniff the money, but if something were to happen, Lloyd’s would pay through the nose.

Viacommies: In a move that would make the U.S. media conglomerates swell with pride, China has blocked its citizens from accessing YouTube. Internet security has tightened ever since the government launched the Great Firewall of China.

A Chinese woman is accused of setting fire to 400 cellphones after her husband decided to desert her. Vengeance was the Cingular thought on her mind.

Into Thin Air: Supermodel Waris Dirie has resurfaced after a three-day disappearance. The cause? She simply turned sideways and vanished.

Blowing smoke: Bill Clinton, campaigning for his wife, admitted that a joint ticket of her and Barack Obama would be unstoppable. He quickly added that he would not inhale such a joint.

Extreme measure: President Bush vetoed a bill banning waterboarding, on the grounds that he thinks Americans would completely dominate it at the next summer Olympics.

The Too Far Side: Afghans packed a sports stadium to protest the reprinting of a Danish from two years ago making fun of Mohammed. It still doesn’t compare to the riots when the national newspaper got rid of Ziggy.

Chew on this: Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant. We thought she was eating all those peanut butter and banana sandwiches to honor her father.

Much Ado About Nothing: Jerry Seinfeld dispelled rumors that he’s working on a new sitcom. Michael Richards and Jason Alexander beg him to reconsider.

Playing ketchup: President Bush and John McCain ate hot dogs at a White House lunch. Coincidentally, the accompanying french fries were McCain.

To serve and neglect: A group of police officers in Rockville, Maryland have failed to pay speeding tickets assessed to them, arguing that they don’t own the vehicles, so it’s the county who owes the money, which is a total cop out.

This bud’s for us: A Missouri lawmaker has proposed making Budweiser the state’s official beer. People didn’t really need another reason to less of Missouri, did they? What a Busch league idea.

They’re finding it Hard to Handle: The Black Crowes are grousing that Maxim reviewed their album after only hearing one song, the single they’ve released (because people “read” Maxim for its insightful music critiques). So shallow. That’s like judging a woman’s worth solely on how she looks in her underwear.

Foxunworthy: Larry the Cable Guy has another awful movie out. How long before he becomes Larry the Straight to Cable Guy?

And this guy’s responsible for Charlie’s Angels and the Love Boat: Tori Spelling has finished writing a memoir. In the book her late father reveals she’s the only thing he’s not proud of producing.

They hope it’s a hit: Several famous boardgames are slated to be turned into movies, including Battleship. Can you say sub-genre?

Glasses are half-full: No one is more relieved that the writer’s strike is over than Tina Fey. Now she can afford those contact lenses she’d been saving up for.

Fighting bad guys, bad music: Rapper will.i.am., as proficient at punctuation as rhyming, will play villian Wraith in the Wolverine film. Can Hugh Jackman give him a black eye, please?

Campaign’s nadir: Ralph Nader announced his plans to ruin, er, run for election again. The selfless Nader is putting himself on the ballot for a good cause: to make Mike Huckabee feel better about himself.