I think I’ve finally become that grizzled introverted recluse that would make J.D. Salinger look like Paris Hilton. Christmas music, blasting since Halloween, has officially ruined what spirit I usually manage to muster during December. Why can’t we play some halfway decent songs in stores these days? I don’t want to crap all over other people’s holiday season, but we really need a better class of songs.

That’s not to say there aren’t classic. With that in mind, quick run down of a few songs that need to be heard more often:

1) Elvis Presley – Merry Christmas, Baby
Starting off slow, but strong. He’s the King, after all.

2) Jonathan Coulton – Chiron Beta Prime
I don’t know how you celebrate Christmas without all powerful robotic overlords

3) Bruce Springsteen – Santa Claus is Coming to Town
If the Boss told you there’s a Santa Claus, you better fucking believe in Santa Claus.

4) Ben Folds – Bizarre Christmas Incident
Sorry Timmy, Santa’s dead in our chimney. If you hadn’t asked for those Pokemon cards, he might still be alive.

5) Frank Sinatra – Dreaming of a White Christmas
I didn’t want this on the list, as it is well worn, but Sinatra’s ghost visited me, along with Dino and Bing Crosby to show me the true meaning of being drunk at Christmas. Plus, he threatened me with his mob ties.

6) Adam Sandler – Chanukah Song
Fuck you hipster snobs, I don’t care if it was made into a shitty cartoon, you sang this song in the 90′s like the rest of us.

7) The Flaming Lips – Christmas at the Zoo
There, made it up to you guys, start jerking off to Wayne Coyne.
Sufjan Stevens – Put the Lights On The Tree
One you can probably sneak past your folks as well, but has some kinda goofy charm.

9) Jimi Hendrix – Little Drummer Boy
Electric guitars aren’t on enough Christmas albums, and who better than Jimi?

10) Weird Al Yankovic – The Night Santa Went Crazy
The sooner kids realize Santa is a psychotic violent man, the better.

Now’s your chance to tell me how much this list sucks and what songs I’m retarded for leaving out. Go.

If you were anything like me as a kid, you always dreamed of the day you could hang out with your favorite super hero or cartoon and go on cool adventures. And yes, unfortunately, we all had to grow up (perhaps you more so than I). That’s not to say I wouldn’t want to rock out with some of them today. So, with a nod to the fact that I’m destroying another small part of our collective adolescent innocence, here’s a quick run down of some of those icons that would totally kick ass to throw back a few drinks with.

1) Michelangelo – As my favorite ninja turtle, this is a no-brainer. It’s even in the theme song he’s a party dude. Raphael would be an angry drunk, Leonardo a buzzkill and Donatello would be the guy in a bar playing with his iPhone all night. Plus, chicks totally dig nunchakus.

2) Lion-o: I’m not even sure it’s legal to bring him into a bar, as he technically has the mind of a fifteen year old who was kept in a disabled stasis pod that failed to slow down his aging. But let me paint you a picture here: You’re sitting in a bar, having a drink and enjoying the night. Suddenly a group of drunk girls walk into the bar. Lion-O stands up and shouts “Hoooooooo!”. I don’t think I could ever get tired of that. That “sight beyond site” would probably be pretty cool for checking out girls at bars too.

3) The Hamburglar – It’s 3am. You’re coming out of a bar and none of you are cool to drive out to the Bell or any of the like. Bam, out comes Hamburglar, who has recently pilfered some late night snacks, courtesy of one Ronald McDonald. Fuck Mayor McCheese and his gestapo policies. You might have to bail him out of jail often, though.

4) Lady Jaye – Curve ball right here, but I’ll tell you why she’s key. You need that cool chick in your group, the one that you can have a brew with, who will laugh at your dumb jokes and play the female wingman. That’s Lady Jaye. Jem would be the stuck up girl who’s too good to come out to anything but a club and She-Ra seems to have that “I can totally beat you in arm wrestling” vibe, which is a little scary. Alternative could be Velma from Scooby Doo, but in all honesty, I don’t think I could resist the nerdy chicks. Moving on.

5) Willow – Every group needs a midget. Period. Magic tricks would be an awesome way of winning bar bets, too.

6) Bender – This is kind of a gimme. Who wouldn’t want a foul mouthed, thieving, beer swilling robot? And just to complete the trifecta, we’ve got a midget and a robot, now we need…

7) Furious George – A monkey! Slightly edges out Donkey Kong (Barrel throwing/princess kidnapping), King Kong (plane smashing/girl snatching) and Mr. Teeny (cigar smoking/roller skating) by the sheer fact you just can’t put a price on a good monkey knife fighter, though he will need most of your skin.

Han Solo – Another gimme. A pirating, gun slinging, princess swooning, space pilot who manages to be more of a bad ass than a dude who wields a light saber and the force. Always handy in a cantina. Shoots first (got that George?).

9) Iron Man – I know there are a ton of superheroes who would be great, but how can you turn down a super genius with his own gold plated ride? If that doesn’t pick up chicks, I dunno what will. Plus, he’s rich and, let’s be honest, kind of a pimp. Before you say Batman, remember he runs around in tights with little boys. Pedophilia is probably going to turn off 99% of women.

10) Kool Aid – I know what you’re thinking. “A giant bowl of juice?” But hear me out. What could be a better way to have a party than to have a walking glass pitcher filled with fruit punch and spiked with a little something extra? Besides, every party needs a big fat party animal! Quick conversation during the party:

You:”Hey Kool Aid, hit me up with another drink?”
KA: “OHH YEAAH!”
You: “So do you think I have a chance with that girl over there?”
KA: “OHH YEAAH!”
You: “Let’s get blacked out drunk and destroy this hotel room!”
KA: *smashes through wall* “OOHH YEAH!!”

Honorable mentions:
Duffman, Hulk Hogan (pre-Hollywood), Maverick from Top Gun (pre-Tom Cruise going crazy)

Noticeably absent:
Optimus Prime, and for that matter, any of the Autobots: You don’t want a giant, drunk tractor trailer on the highway.
He-man: No shirt, no service. Why would girls want hamburger (you) when they could have steak (“Master of the Universe”, who rides a giant saber-tooth tiger). That’s a tough act to follow.
Teddy Ruxpin – He sounded freaky enough when the batteries started to wear down, I’m sure getting boldly trashed would produce an even creepier effect. May corner you and talk your ear off with his never ending stories as well.
Gummi Bears – Can’t hold their liquor. You don’t need a bunch of drunk bears “bouncing here and there and everywhere”

I always love seeing mashups of my favorite nerdy things on the web and the weird joy that spawns from it. Not quite “euphoria” but there’s a distinct giddiness that wells up with this hodgepodge of cool geeky things. Oh cool, Wil Wheaton is talking to Jeph Jacques on twitter, awesome! And hey, Jonathan Coulton did a guest appearance on MC Frontalot’s new album. Web icons I’ve come to follow are following each other too, like some kind of secret internet dork society.

This feeling of “worlds colliding” is what I call Synerdgy (nerd + synergy). It’s that little connection being made in the back of your head when you see a combination of awesome things that are together more than the sum of their parts, yet have a distinct “uncoolness” to them. Quick breakdown of some basic elements to it:

1) nostalgia – anything that references something you knew growing up usually gets a +1 to funny. This is Family Guy’s bread and butter. Remove Thundercats, Back to the Future, hell, anything from before 1995 from the show and it becomes half as good. And let’s be honest, 90% of my posts. Van Damme’s current “career”.
2) ironic/twist – Seeing Rick Astley himself getting rickrolled. Pretty standard to jokes, but totally essential nevertheless.
3) meta humor – Anytime a character breaks the fourth wall to let you know it’s self referencing. For those Simpsons addicts, this would be like Burns getting shot and at the end of the first episode Dr. Hibbert points out to the camera and says “can YOU figure it out?” then quickly pans over to Chief Wiggum who responds “well sure, it’s my job”.
4) secrecy – It’s that little extra poke in the side you get when you’re the only one in a room full of people laughing. Probably a bit of smug superiority along with it as well. Usually not deserved, though. Think South Park’s episode on World of Warcraft.
5) random – When a combination makes absolutely no sense, and yet together they just rock. Like…a shark and a gorilla high fiving into an explosion:

Jumping back to Family Guy as an example, it’s exactly why the show was so great the first few times you see it. Easily, the first season incorporated at least 3 or 4 of these elements per show. Here’s the down side: soon enough this effect only becomes repetitive. Every person who said the show was better before it got canceled (except, of course, for the self-indulgent assholes who just say that to feel superior) instinctively know this. The Simpsons started canning this “wackiness” into premade bites after about season 9 or 10, which caused it’s own decline. So clearly there’s a point where your return on Synerdgy starts to level off. Randomness is lost to carbon copy jokes and popularization dulls the edge of inside jokes. Same thing with meta humor being repetitive and nostalgia no longer in the past (for the love of God I hope the “I love the 60′s-00′s people are reading this).

Just remember: If at any point you start enjoying the blog and then start to hate it, re-read this post. We’ve probably jumped the shark (or you’ve recovered from a head injury). But I’m meta-referencing it! So it’s funny all over again.

Watching the presidential race kinda makes me wish I’d jumped in myself, but since I don’t know how to lead, I’m not smart enough, and I’m a borderline drunk (Ok, I guess I could’ve run considering the last few presidents we’ve had), here’s a basic rundown of what my platform would have been:

• First and foremost, whenever I’d make any public appearances, I’d be followed by a band playing squeely guitars that shoot sparks. I may have an 80′s mullet or a porn stache (or both!), but that’s for the voters to decide.
• Free medicare for anyone wishing to replace their arms/hands with a chainsaw, hook, or some sort of robotic limb (excluding lasers, that’s just silly)
  
• DHS will be on 24/7 Zombie watch and would be headed by Bruce Campbell. First order of business: putting all old people on the list. I’m looking at you, Florida. New campaign slogan: Goodnight Gainesville Grampas
• Anyone whose last name ends in “man” (Goldman, Neumann, etc) must become a superhero. I can’t wait to see what kind of powers “Friedman” has (sounds like he might put KFC out of business)
• Throw a hardcore lesbian film splice a la Fight Club into every chick flick. Even if it’s only picked up by the subconscious, the guys get a little something extra out of watching the films and you can’t argue the outside chance that it causes women everywhere to start digging the 3 way
• Dennis Kucinich would be made a member of my cabinet, VP, something. I know he’s bat shit crazy, but if someone who looks like a gnome can still get a wife that hot, he has to know something. (ed. note from Marc: like Ross Perot, but replacing charts and graphs with hot chicks!)
• New position in the cabinet: Prank Monkey. Any bad news delivered by the president will be followed by wacky hijinks afterwards, courtesy of the PM. Might have to have an actual monkey as a sidekick (it worked for Clint Eastwood)
• Men are no longer allowed to be such dicks that they catcall every girl on the street. That being said, ladies if you wear a shirt with a lot of cleavage, have something written on your ass, or are wearing little less than a bikini outside of a beach or swimming area, men are allowed to openly stare at whatever you got. Hooters restaurants, being a “gray area” will be a franchise based decision. Have something written on your ass? If you want people to read so badly, you now must make a career out of it and become a librarian.
  
• As a corollary to that: Ladies, please remember that belly shirts are a privilege, not a right. Dudes, if you are rocking more hair than Chewie, it is against the law to wear a wife beater or muscle shirt. Also, you must actually have muscles. But you don’t have to beat your wife, that’s still frowned upon.
• Oprah Winfrey will be the spokesperson for my presidency, because apparently no matter what race, creed, gender, etc. you fall into, everyone across America automatically does exactly what she says. You can do better than book clubs, Oprah.
• Poet Laureate: The Front. Killer Rhymes + Nerdiness = exactly what this country needs
• The armed forces need someone to rally behind, someone to get them in order, and there’s only one person who can do it: Sgt. Slaughter. If he can kick Falcon’s ass into shape, then imagine what he could do for the rest of the US Army.
• Lastly, I’m going to need some muscle backing me as Secret Service and who better than washed up action stars? Currently thinking Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Steven Seagal. Intimidating, sure, but if they take a bullet, It’s not like there’s going to be a national day of mourning either, right?

The Dark Knight confirmed what many believed after the success of Batman Begins: Batman is boffo at the box office. However, star Christian Bale was arrested recently for verbally assaulting his mom and sister, leaving actors who’ve played the title character in past movies, some slim hope of returning to the franchise. The following are each’s pitch for playing the part again, tying in themes from other movies they’ve made.

Christian bail: Was he prepping for another American Psycho?

George Clooney. Dark Knight and Good Luck. A respected anchor by day and a secret superhero by night. Tags: He doesn’t just read the news, he makes it. Finally, a hard-hitting journalist.

Val Kilmer. Top Bat Gun. Kilmer reprises his two most famous roles, playing protagonist and antagonist, as Batman and Iceman. Tag: He flys a black jet. He flys in jet black.

Michael Keaton. Batiplicity. Keaton, unable to single-handedly stop crime in Gotham City and distrustful of others, clones a cadre caped crusaders. Tag: He’s Batmen.

Here’s a quick cross section of what you may find in my brain:

1. Sarcasm (large core part, reaaaaal useful)
2. Simpsons references (Monkey reenactments of the civil war, lyrics to Talkin’ Softball, “To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems”)
3. Memorized video games (magical sword in second adventure of Zelda, up up down down left right left right b a start )
4. 80′s cartoons catch phrases (Thundercats Hoooo, Yoooo Joe!, Autobots, Move out!)
5. Zombie defense tactics (barracading self in a mall, aiming for the head, running like hell)
6. Potpouri of things that kick ass (Explosions, Ninjas, sharks, drum solos, exploding ninja shark drum solos)
7. Horribly awesome movies (Evil Dead series, Demolition Man, anything by Van Damme)
8. Knowledge of all things about women (pretty limited, mostly consisting of “Yay boobies!”)
9. Everything I learned in college (bros before hos, beer pong, how not to get laid (See: Simpsons references, Knowledge of all things about women, video games, zombie defense tactics…ok, everything here))

Some days I wake up wanting to change the world

• You will blow game 5 of the NBA Finals and never be compared to Jordan again (whoops, that one’s about a week late)
• You will lose an axel, 2 oxen, and die of dysentery
  
• You will start a flame war on the net about an obscure topic no one but you and 3 other forum goers care about, feeding your ego that you “totally pwn3d” that 13 year old on what true Harry Potter fanfic really is
• You will be elected President of the United States (give one to Hillary Clinton just to fuck with her a little)
• You will buy the new 3G iPhone, feeling cool about being an early adopter, and notice a grandma with one the following week. After, you’ll immediately retreat to your refuge (Starbucks) to nurse your hipster ego
• You will NOT pass go, you will not collect $200
• You will invest countless hours trolling through message boards, warez sites, and myspace pages to find the newest underground band, thinking this is the greatest sound ever. A month later, it’ll be on the radio, your kid sister will buy the album and you’ll play The Velvet Underground nonstop to prove to yourself that you “weren’t really into the mainstream” and therefore keep your indie cred
• You will meet the girl of your dreams in a Battlestar Galactica convention dressed exactly like Number Six and make wild passionate love to her for hours on end. Just kidding.
• You will get spit on, cursed out, or nearly run over by a car (if you’re living in NY, all three before noon)
• You will come out of the closet. Didn’t know you were gay? Surprise.
• You will buy the $200 whopper from Burger King to see what the big deal is. You’ll then spend another $500 to get the lipo suction to undo the damage
• You will quote Anchorman, Old School, and Wedding Crashers, thinking that supplanting quotes from funny movies replaces the ability to actually be funny
• You will write a blog entry that no one will read (this might be too self-referential…)

Was it just me or did anyone else think those sponges that came in pill form were complete crap? Yes, far behind the pet rock, but they really didn’t do anything. “Oh cool…I have a sponge t-rex. Maybe we can get paper towels in the shape of a tricerotops too and…clean the bathroom?”. I’m convinced this is what ruined scientists on creating everything in pill form a la the Jetsons, followed by living in weird ass buildings on stilts and everything else that could be inspired from that show. Just think, we could be rolling around in flying cars right now…

This is the new Baroness for GI Joe the Movie? Maybe I’ve got the wrong idea on evil. Fingers crossed that she and Lady Jaye fall into a mud pit. Then we got ourselves something to watch.

I think it’s only fair we try to help out Wesley Snipes with his tax debt considering he’s given us such cinematic gems as White Men Can’t Jump, New Jack City, and Demoliton Man (we’ll just pretend Blade: Trinity never happened) and I’ve got a plan. Each one of us goes to Vegas and bets on black, a la Passenger 57. If we all win, we donate to his cause. And if we lose? Then the fucker lied to us and deserves to be in jail.

I wish I could’ve had political action figures like this growing up, going against my other toys. Could’ve fit right in with my Ghostbusters, TMNT, and Transformers. “Me Grimlock think Obama weak on foreign relations. Also, full of cesium salami!”.

“The happening”? Really? That’s the name of M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie? I guess his other title “Fucked up shit going on” wasn’t going to fit on the poster. What’s the over/under if you sat him down in a nursery, how long it would take him to scar all of those children for life? 4 minutes? 3 1/2?

New rule: If your last name is “Love” or “Funk” then you should be required to get a PhD in some field. Imagine if your medical doctor was named “Dr. Love”. Are you telling me you wouldn’t feel a little better about going into surgery then? Your professor in college? “I learned all I know from Dr. Funk!” One exception of course: No Dr. Love’s should be Gyno’s. Just seems a little wrong.

If I never hear Bon Jovi, Madonna or Journey in a bar again, I’ll die a happy man. You are not “just a small town girl, living in a lonely world” and considering the quality of girls in Manhattan bars, none of you are anything “like a virgin”. You may be giving anyone who talks to you a bad name, though.

Saw a friend post a link to this candidate’s website. I really wish I could vote in this election just so I could put in “Superman” as a write in vote against Bizzarro.

Also saw a link on Scott Adam’s blog to this:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/06/05/broadcom.indictment.ap/index.html
Apparently he had a secret underground lair? Sounds like more of a James Bond villain than a corporate embezzler. I’d love to watch that court case. The plaintiff can start out laying out his case pointing to his plan to build a death ray and take over the world.