Bad news: I was out of firearms, incendiary devices and lies to tell Kim.

Good news: my bosses invited me out to Atlantic City, which I’ve learned will do in a pinch.

As this was my first time to AC, I decided to keep a running diary of it. Before you ask “Isn’t this like a bunch of Sports Guy’s columns on Vegas, namely one he wrote just three weeks ago?”, let me differentiate: He has a huge fan base that digs his writing, thoroughly enjoys casinos on a regular basis, and most importantly is a seasoned pro writer/gambler. I, on the other hand, will be lucky if this post is accidentally clicked on at 3am by a furry on the other side of the world looking for “Concentrated Opossum: Where furries go to yiff”. If you don’t know what a furry is, please don’t look it up. It’ll only make you sad.

For those not looking for said twisted porn, prepare to gamble with 15 minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

12:00pm – Woo! AC here we come! I’ve got my fanny pack full of fruit rollups and I’m ready to cut loose!

12:01 – My fanny pack is immediately thrown out the window by my boss. Lucky I brought a spare Fruit by the Foot in my back pocket. Start contemplating if a Canadian “Vegetable by the Meter” could work.

12:37 – A chill runs up my spine. A cold wind blows through the car. Somewhere in the distance, a small child’s cries go unanswered. I look up. “Welcome to New Jersey!”. Can I hold my nose for 12+ hours?

1:30 – I’ve made my sixth rest stop since starting the trip. My highly developed urinary system goes underappreciated.

2:15 – We pull through an adjacent town…Abysmal? Abscess? Absecon, right, right. I’m pretty sure I just saw a dog looking for a place to die, stopping at a nearby Best Western, and shaking its head as it continued on.

Gimme an S! Gimme an L! Gimme a U! Gimme a T!

2:45 – We pull up to the casino, immediately spot a car window sticker stating “Cougar Cheerleadering”. Clearly, this can mean be only one of two things: older women who dress up like cheerleaders at singles bars OR cheerleaders who rally you on to seek out said older women. Both options are strangely appealing.

3:30 – I sit down at a Texas Hold ‘em table. Everyone immediately stares me down and starts laughing. People are so friendly here! I’ve got $100 to spend on this table for a while, I think I’ll do well.

3:33 – Start humming Lady Gaga. I soon regret this faux pas when the dealer cracks me over the head with a stool and continues to deal. Must be more of a Britney fan.

3:38 – I’ve got $75 left. It’s still good! It’s still good!

3:43 – $40 left. It’s still still good! It’s still good!

3:50 – $10 left. It’s still good!

3:55 – And like that, I’m done. Planned to lose no more than $200 all night and I’m down half of it within 25 minutes of gambling. Fantastic start.

5:01 – I’ve circled the casino 20 times in the last hour in a nervous attempt to find my bearings. If I skitter any faster I might turn back time in the casino a la Superman.

5:15 – We regroup, settle down for cheesesteaks. This will be the best use of my money all night. I still feel sick afterward, but at least my shame is mostly internalized.

5:45 – Coworkers return to their tables. Either the dread of losing more money or the gallon of cheese whiz I consumed is turning my stomach so much I can’t handle any more cards. I decide to play nature show host to the creatures that inhabit the casino and people watch for a while. “People” is loosely defined here.

5:57 – Every slot machine I pass houses what I can only assume was once a humanoid creature more disfigured and broken than the last. I happen upon what may very well be nothing more than a brain in a jar with a couple strands of hair and a pair of glasses taped on hooked up to a ventilator, dipping into what must be the last of his/her/its savings on blackjack. This is the saddest and most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen.

5:58 – Pass by a pair of Redskins fans. I retract my previous statement.

6:13 – I’ve realized that I’ve seen more Ed Hardy shirts here than I have rats in NYC. Pretty sure both are carrying some sort of plague.

6:17 – Pass by an in-casino store littered (figuratively and literally) with said shirts. I can only assume when you lose the shirt off your back, they make you wear them as punishment.

6:45 – I try video poker for a while. Lose $30 pretty fast, not entertained in the least. How am I a loser for playing video games at home, but sociable for doing the same in a casino while losing money?

7:15 – Boredom overcomes my better judgment and I return to Texas Hold’em. At least I know what I’m doing when I lose here.

7:42 – I’ve played roughly 30 hands all day. Finally win my first. I’m only down about $25 now at this table!

7:48 – Hits me that I’m down about $180 now all night. Could’ve spent that money on 3 video games. I openly sob and am escorted from the table.

Apparently, the rules are to yell wildly at random intervals and dress like an asshole

8:10 – Meet coworkers at a craps table. They might as well be sacrificing a chicken in a voodoo ceremony as far as I know. Completely baffled.

8:24 – I have a bachelor’s degree in math/computer science, yet the dumbest country yokels this side of the Mason-Dixon line are mastering craps like it was string theory.

8:38 – There’s a guy no older than 30 at the craps table wearing a tan blazer over a Christmas sweater with greased back hair chewing on a straw. And I’m the pariah here.

9:13 – We venture towards a 3 card poker table. Pick up the rules somewhat quickly. Lose my money almost as quickly. Down about $85 bucks at this table.

9:17 – Me: “I don’t think I’m a gambler”. The entire casino stops to look at me with a “no shit” expression on all their faces.

9:31 – I catch 3 flushes in a row. I’m now up about $250. “Hey, I think I’m a gambler!”. My boss punches me square in the face after he’s lost 5 straight hands.

10:17 – Juggle back and forth for the last half hour going up as much as $300 to as low as $70. Finally call it quits, up at this table about $35. I strut around as if I’ve got balls the size of cantaloupes.

10:26 – I find a dollar bill on the ground. Somehow this is even greater than my previous winnings. I make wild claims like I’m going to buy this place and burn it to the ground out of spite.

10:48 – The casino atmosphere changes as the clubs begin to open up. The only thing covering up some of these girls are the “fuck me” boots that reach up to their asses. I don’t have enough gold chains or Axe body spray to make a dent, but they’re still fun to look at.

11:06 – A group of girls no older than 17 are puffing on some cigarettes in a corner. I’m amazed they even made it indoors until one actually gives birth to a baby girl, who immediately pulls out a pack of Marlboro’s and joins the rest.

11:13 – Out of nowhere, a 35 year old man with a bad porn ‘stache follows, staring at their asses while putting on chapstick. Creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. Makes my night, ruins my faith in humanity.

11:23 – Quick exchange with my boss:
Boss: “There’s something about the casino right now…it’s this weird kind of…”
Me: “Magic?”
Boss: “Skank.”

11:47 – Settle down for late night Fat Burgers. I love the smell of rendered fat in the evening. It smells like…victory. And vomit.

12:01am – Boss plays a few more hands of flop poker next to who I can only assume are the most ironic hippies gambling away next to him.

12:08 – Hippie advice: “Play EVERY hand! You can always have a chance at winning!”. Learn well kids. Never take advice from hippies, especially about money.

12:30 – We’ve had enough and say goodbye to AC. I’m scared to lose any more money, fighting a chain smoking grandma for a loose quarter I find on the ground. I’m down $145 total for the night, which means I’m up $55 from where I expected to lose. Good night Atlantic City! May your sketchiness be outshined only by your love of my money.