Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis? Well, you’re here, so you’re probably somewhat mentally challenged or hallucinatory – close enough!
After an article in a local Minneapolis newspaper “debunked” the myth (like science has ever proven even remotely useful in disproving myths), the internet dove into a sea of confusion the likes of which haven’t been seen since Ricky Martin came out of the closet.
What? He had me fooled.
Had astrological signs really changed? Only as much as the global market for leprechaun gold and unicorn farts has. Yes, the Earth has wobbled more than your average trailer park denizen’s arm flab into a bucket of KFC, but that doesn’t mean your hocus pocus sign of the zodiac is any less (or more) real. Hell, they even threw in a thirteenth “missing” sign, Ophiuculus, the serpent god (which really should’ve been Serpentor anyways).
If we’re doing a cosmological rewrite, I say we start with a clean slate. Aquarius, the water carrier? The only carrier I care about is trying to screw me out of my 200 texts a month. Virgo? That’s exactly what people want to be associated with, not getting laid. Because you didn’t ask, here’s how we think the signs of the zodiac should be represented now.
See anything here? Neither do we.
Marios & Luigii, "The Plumbers" - Despite being fat Italian stereotypes with a penchant for hanging in sewage drains, having a mustache rivaling Ron Jeremy's, and tripping on shrooms 24/7, you somehow manage to pick up the ladies almost any time you want. While your every day attire may not turn heads, your fashion sense should not be maligned, as you have an extensive wardrobe, a suit for every occasion that comes up.
Demolitionus, "The Three Seashells" - You are futuristic, mysterious and enigmatic. Your life may not be glamorous, but your role in helping greater causes, especially the environment, cannot be understated. Unfortunately, your lot in life is to handle other people's shit and the only person who really "gets you" is a piss ant Rob Schneider.
Hulkarian Hoganus, "The Hulkamaniac" - You love being at the center of attention, getting whipped into a frenzy by gratuitous cheers feeding your ego. Your voyeuristic nature is also aided by the fact that you will tear off your clothes around other men frequently and without warning.
Tequilas, "The Anarchist" - Also known as "the dice roll", "the wildcard" and "all bets are off". You are the person to talk to when you need to make things happen, mostly parties. You're also the absolute worst when there's a real problem to solve. You find balance in the chaos, which means the highest of highs and the absolute lowest of lows, with trouble following you wherever you go.
Tampaxius, "The Absorbant" - Your softness belies your ability handle anything that comes at you. You always have a "pearl" for whatever streams forth from life. You're also a great at keeping secrets – you'll never let anything leak! (Note: This constellation receive a generous sponsorship from the Tampax corporation, a division of Proctor & Gamble).
Chewbaccarian, "The Wookie" - A gentle, quiet nature is obscured by your inability to properly express yourself at times. Your loyalty to friends is absolute and you possess a strong handiness towards all things technical. Still, you're not particularly neat or well kept and could use a hair cut every now and then.
Kool-Aidius, "The Fruit Drink Bearer" - You have a positive attitude towards everything in life. Spontaneity is everything and everywhere you go, a party breaks out. Speaking of breaking, though, your zeal for breaking down barriers is matched by your destructive force, with little that can stand in your way, so others are often left to clean up the mess.
Bacones, "The Tastemaker" - You make everything around you that much better by simply being there. Are you going to make problems go away? Certainly not. In fact, your short term solutions usually exacerbate things down the road. You're a guilty pleasure, though, and you help spice up situations that would other be bland and stale.
Snoop Doggus, "The Doggfather" - You are the epitome of both casual attitudes and fiscal responsibility – laid back with your mind on your mind and your money on your mind. Your biggest character flaw is your need for social recognition – you have a compulsion to ask everyone "What's my name?".
Batmanius, "The Dark Knight" - You're not much for friends, at least close ones, but you've got a ton of enemies. It comes with the territory of being a complete bad ass. Haters gonna hate, after all. That's fine – you prefer the night life when no one is up anyways.
Tyrannus, "The T-Rex" - You're a little mouthy and that tends to scare people away. You also suffer from serious inadequacies in many of your relationships – you want to hold them but you're just unable to do so. You're old school, like coming from a previous era, and people appreciate that. You stand out above all the rest, so people admire you for it. They just do so far away from your path of destruction.
Conanius, “The Fiery Coiffure” – Silly dancing and absurdist humor are you forte. Your inclination towards the inane is matched by your sharp wit and biting humor. You pal around with some hot shots and make a name for yourself, but being the good guy means you’ll often take it on the chin.