It takes an amazing amount of collective douchery to knock off the front pages of every newspaper in America a man who took $50 billion in a ponzi scheme. Congrats AIG, you’ve unseated the reigning champ. Taking $164 million dollars for bonuses after receiving $170+ billion in a bailout? That’s the equivalent of…ya know what? I actually can’t think of a legitimate analogy for that. Biggest balls ever. I don’t know if several million dollars is enough to fend off a mob of 300 million Americans wanting their money back, though, so you’re going to need to look for new ways to grow your recently swindled capital from the American people.

You’ve only swept the leg, now you gotta put ‘em in a body bag, so to speak. A couple million is certainly nice, but blow and hookers have gone up in recent months and this will keep you afloat for only so long. Remember all those people you fucked over? Well, now you’re literally fucking them, as they’ve all turned to prostitution and drugs, simultaneously flooding the market with whores and creating demand for coke. I’ve made a graph for clarity:

The constant here is my sex life. Not sure how that got on this graph

Really, what you need to do is invest that money in future evils and diabolical cabals. I hear Gargamel, Inc. is supposed to take off in the upcoming year, as his long tail plan to turn Smurfs into gold is nearing fruition. For the short term, e.g. “hush money for the babysitter” kinds of petty cash, you’ll want to look into straightforward muggings and thievery. Times are tough though, so you’ll need to pinch those pennies. Their 401k’s may be wiped out, but remember the elderly have money left to feed their dozens of cats. Lemonade stands make easy pickings as well, so make sure to tap the children. Begin by setting up shop in Florida, making sure to stay away from Clearwater or those Scientologists might try to muscle you out.

Of course, you can always look towards technologies. You have your standard doomsday devices and small time nuclear weapons for a steady stream of income, and research and development into bio-weapons has strong potential for high yields as well. I know there’s worry about another internet bubble. Fear not, Nigerian scams and phishing schemes will continue to produce. For the ambitious (and supervillainous), there’s always general destruction of the environment. Watch out for that fucker Captain Planet and those pesky Planeteers, though. I’m sure Cheney can field some questions for you there.

Finally, there’s your image. You can’t go around screwing people left and right without drawing some ire. You’ll need a crack team of lawyers to fend off Congress and PR asshats to spin your ill-gotten gains. Be careful though, as they too may be total fucktards looking to take all of your money as well. Remind the general populace of what a drop in the bucket stealing a few million is compared to Barry Bonds and A-Rod taking roids or how video games are really what’s ruining America, not your greed. The homosexual populace is still a great scape goat as well, because Ma and Pa living in Nebraska are more threatened by two people getting married than losing their life savings.

Stay strong, for if you falter, who will be there to steal our money?

I had a couple ideas for some posts this week: funny portmanteaus, nerd humor, yet another top 10 list to add to the internet (take THAT cracked.com!), but today happens to be Marc’s birthday as well, so I’m abandoning those ideas for now. Instead, I photoshopped together Van Damme serving Optimus Prime a bowl from Kyoto Fantasy Express (the greatest restaurant ever) as he roundhouse kicks a Zombie with Donovan McNabb’s approval. Ok, the zombie was for me, but the rest are classic Marc.

There are also way too many pictures of JCVD in banana hammocks than I’d like to have known. Thanks Google Images. Happy birthday, fucker.

In an effort to bolster her platform and rally the conservative base, Palin has declared a Holy War against game designer Will Wright.

Wright, best known for being the brains behind such classic games as The Sims, has recently released the game Spore, in which players are assigned the task of taking a single celled creature and developing the species into more evolved creatures. Palin, a strong advocate of creationism, has not minced words with the game designer.

“Clearly, Spore is just another attempt from the left wing liberals to perverse God’s plan”, said Palin. “Only the Lord could possibly design such wondrous creatures as giant penis monsters or creatures with butts for eyes.” The VP candidate also has comments on Wright’s previous roles in the game world. “This hasn’t been the first time Wright has tried to corrupt our children. Games such as ‘The Sims’ have led children to believe they too can play God with the simple click of a mouse. I can’t confirm, but I have reason to believe Bristol was tricked into conceiving her child after several sessions with the game and her boyfriend”.

There has been some happy medium between the two, though. Says Palin, “The one game I did find amusing was Simcity. It’s fun to actually run a city with a population greater than 9,000! Much cheaper to build these bridges that go to nowhere too. I just wish they would let you build more than 10 oil derricks to each inhabitant”.

Wright only had a short statement to make in response. “Foolish mortals! The hellfire burns with each new copy of Spore that is purchased! Soon, you will all become like the fallen as you learn about the wonders of evolution through point and click play! Learn all the dark secrets of the underworld as your creature sings and dances to make friends with other creatures! Post your own designs on the Sporepedia and give your soul to Lucifer!” With the undying shriek of thousands, the designer then vanished in a sulfuric puff of smoke.