More details are slowly being released about the controversial health care reform bill passed (though not as slowly as HMOs, or Horrible Medical Operations, consent to pay for your procedures). For instance, it will be illegal to keep your tonsils and abortions are mandatory. We’ve obtained a copy of the list of physicians citizens are approved to visit under President Obama’s legislation, so turn your head, cough and have a look:

Psychiatrists: Dr. Katz, Dr. Mindbender, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Marvin Monroe

Homeopathic medicine: Dr. Quinn

Sports medicine: Doc Rivers, Doc Gooden, Dr. J, Dr. Dunkenstein (despite his name and profession, surprisingly not Jewish)

Limbs specialist: Dr. Octopus

Veterinarians: Dr. Doolittle, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Robotnik

Podiatrists: Doc Martens, Dr. Scholl’s

Family physician: Dr. Julius Hibbert (discount family physician/dietitian: Dr. Nick Riviera)

Pediatrician (by default of being a kid): Doogie Howser, M.D.

ENTs (ear, nose and throat): Dr. Horrible, Dr. Demento, Dr. Dre, The Spin Doctors

General practitioner: Rex Morgan, M.D.

Pharmacist: Dr. Feelgood

Dermatologist: Dr. Doom

Good news, everyone! Dr. Zoidberg didn't make the list.

The rest (please note that, like a Roomba or a condom, the doctors from this group are to be used at your own risk and have a good chance of doing nothing):

Doc Brown

Dr. Strangelove

Doc Hollywood

Dr. No

Dr. Wily

Dr. Moreau

Dr. Pepper

Dr. Evil

Doctor Who

Dr. Zhivago

Hollywood Almost Out of Ideas

Proof is piling up to support the argument that Hollywood has nearly nothing new left to offer. A recession of a different kind has struck the movie-making business — a lack of creativity and originality that many analysts predict could lead to the downfall of the industry within the next several years.

These types of doomsday warnings have been made before, most memorably in 1989, upon the release of the sixth Police Academy film. It was a bleak time when Billy Crystal was considered an acceptable lead in romantic comedies and audiences were asked to pay to watch talking babies, shrunken kids, and most inexplicable and insulting of all, Michael Keaton play Batman.

However, Hollywood survived those shaky Swayze and Sheen-heavy years and, even facing the threat of better home technology, has fared rather well. But industry experts are predicting tough times ahead.

A Magic 8-Ball movie means Hollywood's outlook is not so good.

After adapting almost every single comic book and comic strip, they are turning to toys (G.I. Joe), video games (Prince of Persia, later this month), board games, such as Battleship (currently in the casting stage), and, in an act of complete desperation, gag items. For example, a picture about the Magic 8 Ball was recently greenlit by Paramount. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a former studio head bashed these decisions. “These concepts barely belong in a Spencer’s gifts, let alone theatres across the country.”

With such lesser-known and barely-remembered characters as Marmaduke (coming in June) and Green Lantern (scheduled for summer of next year) being granted full-length features, some who study the movie business closely foresee all ideas being exhausted as early as 2012.

A person who up until recently covered the business of movie making for a leading publication minced no words in assessing the industry’s problem, “When garbage like The Losers makes it to the big screen, we all lose — especially audiences.” This person believes another bad omen for Hollywood is the release of MacGruber, a movie based on a recurring Saturday Night Live skit. It has been ten years since the long-running sketch comedy show has released a film. “He’s not even an original character,” said the source, who pointed out that MacGruber is a parody of the 80s TV series, MacGyver. “We’re no longer in a decade where a mullet and some explosions are enough to ensure a large take [at the box office].”

One head of development, said Hollywood’s current strategy — to adapt everything 13-year-old boys like — isn’t a successful one. “For every hit, there’s at least one huge failure. You remember Sin City, but [in my job] you can’t forget The Spirit. ” He warned that the extremely limited interests of the target audience should be a cause for concern. “They aren’t willing to watch any female heroes,” he pointed out. “We don’t need anymore Elektras or Tank Girls to learn that lesson.”

There appear to be numerous people tied to the industry who are keenly aware of the absence of fresh ideas. A well-known producer, who asked not to be named, cited the release of four movies within six years based on the popular horror video game Resident Evil as evidence of trouble ahead. A fifth installment, Afterlife, is scheduled to hit screens this fall. “Frankly, we’re running out of material to mine. Crap is finite, too.”

As if this crisis wasn’t enough, another troubling trend is the shortage of scripts from the Wayans siblings, who are often credited with speeding up the demise of Hollywood, largely due to their Scary Movie franchise, which are rooted in age-old stereotypes, tired cliches and juvenile bathroom humor. One major studio exec said he’d be willing to at least look at a script from Shawn or Kim, members of the family that just several years ago weren’t even regarded around Tinsel Town as true Wayanses. A cousin, Damien Dante, was already tapped for 2009′s Dance Flick. Without ideas from the Wayanses, there is only one known source for what the same executive labeled “profitable, black movies”: Tyler Perry. When asked about the black audience box office potential of director Spike Lee’s work, much of which has been met with critical acclaim, the executive scoffed. “Spike would earn more money scalping his Knicks tickets than making a movie.” Like Lee’s beloved basketball team, Hollywood is currently short on talent and a plausible plan to make its product worth watching again.

Cuban Set to Sign Refs

Upset over his team’s early exit from the playoffs, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has come up with a new strategy that he thinks will help his team win in the postseason: adding referees to his roster. Cuban believes the officiating was partly to blame for the Mavericks, ranked second in the Western Conference, falling to the seventh-seeded San Antonio Spurs in the first round Thursday night. Cuban, who in the past has been very vocal and critical of NBA officiating, contended the Spurs received more calls in their favor, especially when playing at home. Last year, Dallas defeated their in-state rivals and many expected the Mavericks to advance deep into the playoffs, especially after a mid-season trade for forward Caron Butler.

In a highly-anticipated offseason in which some of the league’s best players will be available as free agents — such as Cleveland’s LeBron James, Chicago’s Dwyane Wade and Toronto’s Chris Bosh — Cuban will eschew pursuing a prominent player and instead make offers to a few of the NBA’s top referees.

Cuban's found a way to "fix" his team.

“For years, we’ve tried to acquire better players, in hopes of getting past these refs. Looking back, it was foolish. This isn’t baseball, you can’t buy a title. At least not with players. The solution was staring me in the face the whole time: get the guys that make the calls. Players only have so much control over the outcome.”

Cuban declined to name his top candidates, but sources say at the top of his list are: Dick Bavetta, Bennette Salvatore and Joe Crawford. He might also look at Steve Javie and Eddie Rush. All of these officials have been in the league for at least two decades, so it seems Cuban’s preference is for a seasoned crew.

While some worry that yet another move could be harmful to the team’s chemistry, Cuban clarified that the core of his current roster won’t change. “It takes a three-man crew to officiate a game. So all I’m looking to add is three guys. Maybe a fourth if we can move [center Erick] Dampier’s contract.”

Additionally, Cuban doesn’t think it will be a big adjustment for the players he does retain to step onto the court with their new teammates. “Jason [Kidd] and Dirk [Nowitzki] are veterans. Initially, there might be some confusion about who they should complain to after they miss a shot, but I expect them to adapt quickly.”

In fact, Cuban sees only advantages to having the refs and players suit up together. “It’s going to cut down on our turnovers. Traveling calls will be a thing of the past. It’ll be like having a team full of Michael Jordans,” said Cuban, referring to the retired superstar who was never called for taking too many steps.

Cuban concedes there might even be unexpected perks. “If at the end of the game we really need a timeout, but we don’t technically have any left — who knows — we just might be granted one.”

If Cuban does go forth with his plan and it works, no one is sure what the league’s response will be. Will the refs on the Mavericks still be considered refs or will they be regarded as players? Either way, Cuban is prepared. “Even if they [the NBA] send a crew, who are the refs likely to side with? Their peers — other refs. It’s human nature. I’m looking to exploit their bias — and I’m willing to pay good money,” he added.

Cuban’s strategy is unconventional and likely to find its share of detractors, but he is convinced it is the right method. “I’m simply applying the old saying, ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Only I’m having them join us.”

When asked if his tactic might be considered cheating, Cuban replied, “That’s for the refs to decide.”

It takes an amazing amount of collective douchery to knock off the front pages of every newspaper in America a man who took $50 billion in a ponzi scheme. Congrats AIG, you’ve unseated the reigning champ. Taking $164 million dollars for bonuses after receiving $170+ billion in a bailout? That’s the equivalent of…ya know what? I actually can’t think of a legitimate analogy for that. Biggest balls ever. I don’t know if several million dollars is enough to fend off a mob of 300 million Americans wanting their money back, though, so you’re going to need to look for new ways to grow your recently swindled capital from the American people.

You’ve only swept the leg, now you gotta put ‘em in a body bag, so to speak. A couple million is certainly nice, but blow and hookers have gone up in recent months and this will keep you afloat for only so long. Remember all those people you fucked over? Well, now you’re literally fucking them, as they’ve all turned to prostitution and drugs, simultaneously flooding the market with whores and creating demand for coke. I’ve made a graph for clarity:

The constant here is my sex life. Not sure how that got on this graph

Really, what you need to do is invest that money in future evils and diabolical cabals. I hear Gargamel, Inc. is supposed to take off in the upcoming year, as his long tail plan to turn Smurfs into gold is nearing fruition. For the short term, e.g. “hush money for the babysitter” kinds of petty cash, you’ll want to look into straightforward muggings and thievery. Times are tough though, so you’ll need to pinch those pennies. Their 401k’s may be wiped out, but remember the elderly have money left to feed their dozens of cats. Lemonade stands make easy pickings as well, so make sure to tap the children. Begin by setting up shop in Florida, making sure to stay away from Clearwater or those Scientologists might try to muscle you out.

Of course, you can always look towards technologies. You have your standard doomsday devices and small time nuclear weapons for a steady stream of income, and research and development into bio-weapons has strong potential for high yields as well. I know there’s worry about another internet bubble. Fear not, Nigerian scams and phishing schemes will continue to produce. For the ambitious (and supervillainous), there’s always general destruction of the environment. Watch out for that fucker Captain Planet and those pesky Planeteers, though. I’m sure Cheney can field some questions for you there.

Finally, there’s your image. You can’t go around screwing people left and right without drawing some ire. You’ll need a crack team of lawyers to fend off Congress and PR asshats to spin your ill-gotten gains. Be careful though, as they too may be total fucktards looking to take all of your money as well. Remind the general populace of what a drop in the bucket stealing a few million is compared to Barry Bonds and A-Rod taking roids or how video games are really what’s ruining America, not your greed. The homosexual populace is still a great scape goat as well, because Ma and Pa living in Nebraska are more threatened by two people getting married than losing their life savings.

Stay strong, for if you falter, who will be there to steal our money?

I had a couple ideas for some posts this week: funny portmanteaus, nerd humor, yet another top 10 list to add to the internet (take THAT cracked.com!), but today happens to be Marc’s birthday as well, so I’m abandoning those ideas for now. Instead, I photoshopped together Van Damme serving Optimus Prime a bowl from Kyoto Fantasy Express (the greatest restaurant ever) as he roundhouse kicks a Zombie with Donovan McNabb’s approval. Ok, the zombie was for me, but the rest are classic Marc.

There are also way too many pictures of JCVD in banana hammocks than I’d like to have known. Thanks Google Images. Happy birthday, fucker.

In an effort to bolster her platform and rally the conservative base, Palin has declared a Holy War against game designer Will Wright.

Wright, best known for being the brains behind such classic games as The Sims, has recently released the game Spore, in which players are assigned the task of taking a single celled creature and developing the species into more evolved creatures. Palin, a strong advocate of creationism, has not minced words with the game designer.

“Clearly, Spore is just another attempt from the left wing liberals to perverse God’s plan”, said Palin. “Only the Lord could possibly design such wondrous creatures as giant penis monsters or creatures with butts for eyes.” The VP candidate also has comments on Wright’s previous roles in the game world. “This hasn’t been the first time Wright has tried to corrupt our children. Games such as ‘The Sims’ have led children to believe they too can play God with the simple click of a mouse. I can’t confirm, but I have reason to believe Bristol was tricked into conceiving her child after several sessions with the game and her boyfriend”.

There has been some happy medium between the two, though. Says Palin, “The one game I did find amusing was Simcity. It’s fun to actually run a city with a population greater than 9,000! Much cheaper to build these bridges that go to nowhere too. I just wish they would let you build more than 10 oil derricks to each inhabitant”.

Wright only had a short statement to make in response. “Foolish mortals! The hellfire burns with each new copy of Spore that is purchased! Soon, you will all become like the fallen as you learn about the wonders of evolution through point and click play! Learn all the dark secrets of the underworld as your creature sings and dances to make friends with other creatures! Post your own designs on the Sporepedia and give your soul to Lucifer!” With the undying shriek of thousands, the designer then vanished in a sulfuric puff of smoke.