The GOP field may have grown narrower over the last few weeks, but that hasn’t stopped Newt Gingrich from squeezing his wide load through that gap and into the lead. I’m attributing this sudden burst of fame with his ability to mesmerize the more simple minded folk with the incredible feat of spouting pure shit despie being full of nothing but empty promises.

Take his latest boast for instance. By the end of his second term as president, Newt has promised that he’ll establish a colony on the moon. While its primary function will be as port of call for future expeditions to Mars, I can only assume it has the secondary function of housing his disposed of wives.

I can’t say that I’m the biggest Gingrich supporter in the world. I may have on more than one occasion claimed that the Jay-Z/Kanye West “Watch the Throne” album name is also applicable as a warning for anyone who follows him after using a restroom. This interstellar project would fit his M.O. though (divorcing himself from a dying planet in order to shack up with a newer, hotter celestial body) so I’m fully ready to sign those papers and get him off this rock.

People have questions how such a plan can be put into action. I’m happy to answer.

Where is the money from this going to come?
We’re hoping to mine the moon for precious moon rocks, which as we all know is actually the primary ingredient in Splenda. Failing that, we’re pretty sure Ron Paul is secretly a leprechaun and will give us his pot of gold if we can only catch him…

Where is the technology going to come from to make this possible?
You forget that  the GOP has had a long established R&D department. They managed to keep the fear engine running 10 years after 9/11. It’s also a lesser known fact that they’ve already established nanotechnology used in the design of several automatons that look and feel just like real people. Incidentally, should Newt win, Romney will be broken down into his smaller base parts and used in the shuttle construction.

How would we power such a machine?
Newt has a plan involving liquifying orphans and the homeless that he’s discovered makes a powerful rocket fuel. This is also doubly helpful for dropping those employment rates. The pitch to a new labor force – “Exciting availability in advancing technology job market. Little to no experience needed. Lots of travel abroad, chance to see the stars. Power the new wave of American exploration!”. There’s also word we could use the sexual frustration of the sexless marriage between Michelle and Marcus “I’m not fooling anyone with this hetero routine” Bachmann.

What nation’s jurisdiction does the moon fall under?
America has established several precedents involving such disputes, notably citing the landmark case of “Finders and Keepers” (with the tangential law being established as the “Losers Weepers” bill). While not iron clad, we plan on licking it first and telling China “If you want it so bad, have it, but it’ll have our spit all over it”.

Should we worry about any hostile extraterrestrial life?
Of course not.  As soon as we get there, then they’re the aliens. Which means they’re on our land and must leave. We’ve also watched Superman II on repeat and we’re pretty sure we could always launch them into the phantom zone should the need arise.

What sort of alternatives to this have been proposed?
While a trip out to space is of course the ideal, we’ve also offered up several back up plans. We’ve yet to develop foreign relations with Hogwarts, drill to the center of the Earth to looking for a tunnel to China, nor asked Doc Brown to harness any sort of flux capacitor. Obama thought we should invest in renewable resources along with exploring opportunities in our tech sector and skilled labor markets. What an ass.

There’s a group of people who are inexplicably rich, think more highly of themselves than the general public does, frequently say stupid things and appear on TV constantly. No, we’re not talking about the Kardashians, it’s the GOP candidates. With a debate almost every other day, you might assume you know everything about the Republicans running for President, but they’re all harboring some secrets. Concentrated Awesome uncovers the naked, pasty and wrinkled truth.

Rick Santorum: Is so pro-family, that he only buys family-sized portions of products (no Kraft Singles for him) and hasn’t watched TV since Family Ties went off the air (with the exception of Family Feud). If elected, will change the Constitution to allow children to vote, so he’s guaranteed at least 20 votes from the Duggars’ household alone.

Rick Perry: Wants to eliminate not only departments of government, but also department stores. As commander-in-chief, will order veterans returning from Afghanistan to bomb Bloomingdale’s. To atone for the racist name of his family’s vacation written on a stone, will ask Sly Stone to be his running mate, reasoning that the best way to get out of a funk is to get into funk.

Herman Cain: Sexually harassed The ‘Noid, which was thought to be impossible, due to the creature’s lack of genitalia. His 9-9-9 plan is actually 6-6-6, he just mistakenly read his deal with the devil upside-down.

Michelle Bachman: Under her suit jacket, she’s wearing a straight jacket. Under that she’s wearing a corset. And under that she’s wearing a necklace with a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood (yup, who he gave it to when he and Angelina broke up).

To court the youth vote, Perry will now say "my bad," instead of "oops."

Newt Gingrich: Actually left his own campaign months ago, asking to be released from his “Contract with America.” The Yankees immediately signed him to a 4-year, $70 million deal.

John Huntsman: Influenced by his time as ambassador to China, his immigration plan is to build a “great wall” around the U.S., covering it in duck sauce, so it’s too slippery to scale. Instead of  counting on a cabinet for counsel, he will seek advice solely from fortune cookies (it’s the same method he used to learn Chinese and pick lottery numbers).

Ron Paul: Even after learning he’s a man, still has a crush on RuPaul. Isn’t even interested in the office of the President, just enjoys being asked hypothetical questions, standing at podiums and wasting other people’s time. In other words, he really misses high school debate.

Mitt Romney: Has decided to embrace his “vanilla” image, hiring Vanilla Ice as a consultant, who has devised a three-point plan for Romney to “stop, collaborate and listen.” Intends to fake his own death before next November after learning that voters in a tiny Michigan town elected a deceased man mayor.

Martha Stewart’s daughter, Alexi, has released a memoir.  The perfectionist’s progeny had a Roomba with a view and Concentrated Awesome has gotten its grubby hands on the engrossing excerpts:

When I was 10, I brought her breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day. She sent it back to the kitchen and said if I didn’t learn to poach eggs properly I wouldn’t even be fit to operate the griddle at Denny’s when I grew up. When she got out of bed, she spanked me with a $1,000 spatula.

Mom told me to make my bed. When she came to inspect it, she said I had to re-do it because didn’t meet five-star hotel standards. Another time my sheets were tucked in sloppily and she forced me to lie on the bed and piled throw pillows on top of me until I could barely breathe. Later, she sent me to live at a Days Inn for a week as punishment. I saw enough stains in that place to last a lifetime.

She had me save my earwax in a jar, then when enough had been collected, taught me how to turn it into a scented candle. All the candles in her house are made from either her own earwax or that of the help, which she steals from them while they sleep.

Mom routinely washed my mouth out with soap. Not because I had misbehaved or said something inappropriate, just because she thought it was “good hygiene” and the best way to get the germs toothpaste missed.

If Mom was hosting a dinner party, I was expected to greet the guests at the door and offer to take their coats. I was expected to wear all the coats given to me until the guests left. Ditto with scarves, shawls, gloves, galoshes and hats. You could say I was an “accessory” to abuse. Or that  I literally had the wool pulled over my eyes. Did those last two sentences just give away that this book was ghostwritten?

At age 8, I baked a batch of brownies for my mom’s birthday. When she found out I had used a mix, she refused to eat them and instead used them as doorstops and paperweights. She then made me write “Betty Crocker is a whore” 100 times on a sheet of paper.

(Ear)wax on, (ear)wax off was part of Alexi Stewart's upbringing.

In 2006, I suggested an article for her magazine about how to tell which potholders are right for you. She rejected it because she said she believed in potholder polygamy and that it was impossible to pick just one perfect pair. She then slapped me several times with a velvet oven mitt.

After unsuccessfully trying to fold my napkin into a crane, she crane kicked me. Following a failed second attempt, she hired Ralph Macchio to crane kick me.

For my 18th birthday, Mom promised me a “motorized, wheeled machine that all my friends would be envious of.” She bought me a carpet shampooer.

While Mom was in prison serving her five-month sentence for insider trading, she stabbed her roommate and proceeded to tastefully decorate her cell with her victim’s entrails. She also started selling sequined shivs to fellow inmates.

In the summers of my college years, I interned for the home goods collection that bears her name as a thread counter. When a sheet set says 300, I can confirm that it actually is. The rough part of the job was that Mom made me use an abacus and Roman numerals.

Mom’s secret hobby is writing erotic fiction involving Mr. Clean and the Brawny man. One scene features a feather duster and is too filthy to describe.

Turnip slip: A Northern Irish farmer who gave Rihanna permission to shoot a music video on his land asked her to leave after she took her top off. The only melons he was interesting in seeing were those he was harvesting.

The Hunger Gay-mes: In a recent interview actor Thomas Jane implied that when he was struggling to find work early in his career, he used to trade sexual favors with men for sandwiches. We think it’s best to leave the pastrami in the past. Reuben there, done that.

The irony would be if he used Tide: The man accused of poisoning trees on Auburn’s campus on behalf of University of Alabama supporters, apologized for his actions. Those at the school still think he’s the root of all evil.

Rock the vote: Presidential candidate Rick Perry has been facing accusations that his family rented a property with a racist name, which was also written on a stone on the grounds. It makes sense, since Perry has always been boulder than the rest of the Republicans running.

Putting the ‘strip’ in “comic strip”: Tom Wilson, the creator of the funny page’s Ziggy has died. To honor the character, we’re taking off our pants and heading to the nearest complaints counter.

Everybody hurts, especially their fans: After more than 30 years together, the band R.E.M. is breaking up. We can’t wait for Michael Stipe’s tell-all: Whiny, Unhappy People.

We don’t mean to of-fender: Jennifer Lopez is appearing in commercials for Italian car-maker Fiat, but the vehicle is nothing like her, since it has almost no trunk.

Justice is blind to prices: A report exposed that for a 2009 conference, the Department of Justice spent $16 each on 250 muffins. That’s an eye-poppying amount. Next time, buy the off-bran.

For who the dinner bell tolls: Texas has terminated last meal requests for death row inmates. From now on, the only thing fried will be the prisoners.

Farmers are the original pitchfork media and they prefer musical acts like The Cranberries and Korn.

Bad Road Trip: Actor DJ Qualls claims he was beaten up by Vancouver police after he tried to stop a bar fight. This is the worst hit in  Canada since Nickleback’s last song.

The birthday cookie is HTTP: Google turned 13 on Wednesday. Now that it’s become a man (at least in the eyes of its Jewish users), we were going to get it some dirty pictures, but it seems to already have a sizable stash of them.

Don’t have a cow: Tyson is recalling over 130,000 pounds of ground beef over contamination concerns. That’s a lot of chuck to chuck.

They were buzzed at the time: Tom Cruise and Tom Brady have trimmed their long locks. We at Concentrated Awesome have thinning hair, so we find their actions barber-ic.

Change your tone: Reebok is paying $25 million to settle a suit over claims its sneakers make calves and butts firmer. Nike encouraged customers of its competitor to take legal action, adopting the slogan: Just Sue It.

Blockbuster meet ball-buster: Netflix has announced separation of its and movies-by-mail and movies online services. Customers are doing less streaming and more screaming – until they’re blu-ray in the face.

Netflix isn’t the only organization imploding upon itself from outside mainstream pressure this past week, nosediving kamikaze style into the entertainment business. Marc and I are splitting out into separate websites as well in a very similar style. Much like the aforementioned company, Marc is going to be delivering quick hits to you early and often through the power of the web-o-tubes. I, on the other hand, will continue to mail it in, throttling a service you’re questioning whether you need anymore yet sluggishly hold onto out of sheer laziness.

Complimenting both the audience and my own writing skills will clearly be the focal point of our new business plan.

We’re insistent on driving this this rickety ass wagon directly forward (and right off the cliff ahead). We’ve provided you some laughs (3 and a half by my count) over the years and we think we can streamline our pop culture references for those who happen to drunkenly wander into the dark alley that is our comedic shanty town.

I’m going to miss Marc’s hoo-ha (in the straightest way possible).

Naming Conventions
We weren’t going to break up the Concentrated from the Awesome (you don’t split up the children). The only fair way seemed to be pistols at dawn for rights to title of the blog, but Marc felt that living in NYC gave me an unfair advantage in terms of firearms. Instead we did the exact opposite – pissing contest at dusk. Despite my having a good 50 lbs on him, he managed to keep the naming rights. Color me impressed. I’ve instead settled on Diluted Okay-ness.

Athletics
After 14 hours of trading off between Madden impressions and reenacting Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday, Marc talked his way into keeping sports and all sports related media. Baseball, Football, Hockey, you name it, is in Marc’s territory now. He then went on to bounce a basketball off my head and ask me to cry.

Van Damme
A hotly contested issue, how do you share such comedic, action packed, silver screen gold? Originally we mentioned figuratively chopping him up like a bucket of KFC where “you get the legs, I got the muscles and those piercing eyes” until our significant others began to seriously question our sexual preferences. At gunpoint, Marc won all his action movies except for Street Fighter and the one dancing scene from Kickboxer.

Time Wasting
Marc would get lollygagging, tomfoolery, buffoonery, capering, clowning, fooling, rough-housing, pratfalling, cavorting, romping, rollicking, frolicking, cutting loose, cutting up and horseplay. I would get shenanigans, goofing off, slacking, cracking, loitering, bumming, slumming, crumbumming, boondoggling, monkeying around, mulling over, milling about, daydreaming, pipe dreaming, spacing out, zoning out, dawdling, loafing, oafing, and procrastinating.

Monkeys
Chimpan-A through M for me, Chimpan-N through Z for Marc. Marc would also get poop flingers, pickpockets, and knife fighters, while I would get monkey butlers, ninja monkeys, and circus monkeys.

Video Games
Marc brought a power glove to a zapper fight. Minus the aforementioned sports media, all video games fall within my domain. I tossed him a bone and gave him the Virtual Boy and the Wonderswan. He promptly threw them right back at me.

Candy
We’ll unfortunately have to separate peanut butter from chocolate. Reese is going to be fucking PISSED at us.

Facial Hair
Marc and I had to do some wheeling and dealing to come to a consensus here. Marc’s facial prowess does give him an edge in deciding – I’ve seen the man fall asleep on the sidewalk for 20 minutes with his 5 o’clock shadow and he sanded down 4 inches into the cement. That said, I conceded all beards goatees, and van dykes to him, which includes Chuck Norris’s himself. I, in turn, get all ‘staches, including those from Mario, Tom Selleck, and Rose O’Donnells. Hitler’s kind of a mixed bag to say the least.

Zombies
We mutually agreed I’d be NY’s only hope against an undead plague when it strikes.

Politics
We were confused as to how to divide bullshit until we came to the realization neither of us could handle it all single-handed.

Jersey Shore
Legitimate claims were held by both sides to this throne (a porcelain throne most likely). Jersey is Marc’s homeland and who better to crap on them than someone from The Garden State – except most of the cast comes from Staten Island, falling under New York territory. How best to decide? Marc would give up JS rights (which has a ceiling of about 3 years, and that’s generous) for a first round pick in the next Kardashian cluster fuck, with a Lohan return-to-rehab kicker. This may in fact be the only time anyone has ever fought over (instead of with) these people.

Music
I assaulted Marc by calling him “ol’ honky” until he gave up in confusion and disgust. I get rock, jazz, blues, and rap. He got polka and country.

Simpsons references
I think I embiggen the role necessary but Marc feels he’s way more cromulent for the responsibilities they entail.

Closing up a Post in a Sensical Way
Meh.

Recently, it was revealed that FEMA used whether or not Waffle House was open as a measuring stick for determining disasters. Yes, they assessed grit by grits. Never mind that eating a meal at Waffle House is the true definition of “disaster.” Your body is more likely to accept a donated organ than that slop. Sure, it’s easy to remember that if the eggs are runny, you’d better run. But what if the organization had chosen a different eatery? Here’s how we believe they would calculate calamity at other food chains.

Pizza Hut: When customers begin asking employees to stuff beloved personal possessions inside the crust instead of cheese.

Olive Garden: Changes slogan to “When you’re here, it’s because all the local shelters are full.” Runs a manicotti & cot special.

KFC: If people start turning the buckets of chicken upside down to protect their heads from falling debris and ask for extra biscuits to sop up their tears.

IHOP: Begins offering an “all-you-can-eat-before-we-die” option.

If you see this, FEMA has declared the area a danger P'Zone.

Burger King: If the customers inside are contemplating regicide because no one has come to their aid.

Little Ceasars: Their popular Crazy Bread is re-named Freak the Fuck Out Focaccia.

Applebee’s: Adopts new slogan: Eatin’ good in what’s left of the neighborhood.

Chick-fil-A: Those cute cows that hold up signs in their ads start advising people to “Eat Mor Human Flesh.”

Subway: People pile in the shop shouting for spokesman Michael Phelps  - or Aquaman, or anyone who moves well in water – to save them.

Chili’s: Provides a deal giving free Bloody Marys to anyone bloodied named Mary.

Hail Mary, football has returned (Ryan Grant us the serenity), giving us a great excuse to get out of seeing The Help (we clearly live in a post-racial world - an average, white running back is on the cover of Madden this year), as well as continue our destined descent into obesity and alcoholism (Coors and corn dogs in hand, we’re living the high cholesterol life). Our hearts are pounding with excitement or angina. Before you begin exclaiming the Hillis are alive with the sound of football, set the Tivo to Tebow and welcome Santonio into your Holmes, let Concentrated Awesome tell you what to expect this NFL season with the Jahvid Best preview around. Enough mumbling and stumbling, we’ll leave that to Chris Berman.

Green Bay: Still feeling the high from the Packers Super Bowl win, Aaron Rodgers will refuse to leave Disneyland. In fact, despite pleas from teammates, he won’t even agree to de-board the Space Mountain ride.

Pittsburgh: James Harrison is issued a $100,000 fine by the league office for tying his cleats too aggressively during a game.

New York Jets: In battling for a ball with a defender, Plaxico Burress uses his height and a homemade shiv to make the catch. The NY Post headline the next day reads: A Cut Above the Rest.

Philadelphia: Having signed a new $100 million dollar deal, Michael Vick will move on to pitting more exotic, expensive animals against each other. Prepare for a snow leopard fighting ring.

New England: Jealous of the fame fellow receiver Hines Ward earned on reality TV in the off-season, Chad Ochocinco will create his own show, Touchdown Dancing with the Stars. 

Washington: Picking up where he left off last season, Mike Shanahan will continue to wield his authority like an asshole, prompting him to leave coaching to pursue a career in politics.

Indianapolis: Pushing through the pain of a damaged nerve in his neck, Peyton Manning courageously guts it out for the good of the league and films another Oreos commercial. It will be the Double Stuff legends are made of.

More pastrami for The Swami: Berman’s stomach does the rumbling these days.

Tennessee: Holdout Chris Johnson salary demands grow increasingly unreasonable as he requests “two-thirds of the gold in Fort Knox.” And Bears WR Johnny Knox.

Denver: Having lost the quarterback competition to Kyle Orton, Tim Tebow does the decent, Christian thing: pray to God to smite his rival. When his prayers go unanswered, Tebow converts to Hinduism, figuring gods with multiple arms must be more sympathetic to a thrower’s troubles.

Jacksonville: Realizing his own squad has no shot of reaching the playoffs, Maurice Jones-Drew asks to be traded to a contending fantasy football team.

Cleveland: Colt McCoy will learn how anonymous he is, when a poll in the local paper reveals more people believe he’s a character Clint Eastwood played in a western than the Browns starting QB.

Cincinnati: After being told by coaches that he “needs to improve his hands,” rookie receiver A.J. Green promptly goes out and gets a manicure.

Carolina: To attract female fans, Carolina will become the Werepanthers and anoint True Blood‘s Jason Stackhouse as their new quarterback. In another nod to the steamy show, the team will play “skins” style, naked from the waist up. If that fails to interest women, they’ll invite Sarah Jessica Parker to host a “Sacks and the City Night.”

Chicago: Like deep dish pizza, the Bears will look good on the surface, but be a disgusting mess underneath, repulsing reasonable people.

Houston: Avid Twitter user Arian Foster, having posted a picture of MRI on his hurt hamstring, will continue a pattern of making his personal medical information public, releasing his HIV test and colonoscopy results.

The last straw poll: Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty withdrew from the race after a poor showing in Iowa. The public decided they’d seen Pawlenty of him.

Six feet Down Under: An Australian study found that for every 1 hour of TV a person over the age of 25 watches, 22 minutes are taken off their life. Guess it’s time to start Breaking Bad habits.

Chipotlayoffs coming: Economic experts forecast that we’re headed towards a double-dip recession, but also predict American’s won’t mind, so long as the recession is dipped in nacho cheese and sour cream.

The Situation immediately offered to give them the shirt off his back: Abercrombie & Fitch has offered to pay the cast of The Jersey Shore to stop wearing its clothes. This is a great deal for the gang, who have been undressing for free.

Naught worthy: Pawlenty zeros in on what went wrong.

Welcome to the Frappturnity: It’s been revealed that Starbucks has a secret menu. When ordering from it, be prepared to use code: java script.

Loan wolf: America’s credit rating has been downgraded. How bad is it? President Obama had to take out a second mortgage on the White House and is being forced to put Christmas presents for Sasha and Malia on layaway.

Arkansas really missed an opportunity: Builders have begun work on Noah’s Ark at a Bible theme park in Kentucky. Once finished, it should be flooded with tourists.

He needs more Orlandough: Due to financial struggles, Burt Reynolds is in danger of having his Florida home foreclosed on. He might lose the longest backyard.

Quick Reid: Tara Reid got married within 24 hours of becoming engaged. Her time as a fiancee was slightly longer than her time as an employed actress.

Roll of a lifetime: President Obama has been traveling in a new $1.1 million bus. The ride is so enormous and expensive it runs on Vin Diesel.

He’s a Madden man: Chad Ochocinco claims he will live with a fan for the first few weeks of the NFL season. His only roommate requirements are an X-box and an internet connection, confirming that he is crazy like a Firefox.

The NFL lockout, which lasted over four months, has officially been lifted, after financial advisers finally convinced owners and players that losing millions of dollars is, in the business world, bad. Both sides felt the consequences of being cash-strapped. Owners were using their money clips as chip clips and players accustomed to making it rain were reduced to making it drizzle. Here’s what happened in the interim — the Goodell, the bad and the ugly:

Fantasy football enthusiasts quickly scramble to form CFL leagues and brush up on their French to recall what an Alouette is.

In a candid magazine interview, Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison throws several of his teammates under the bus. Not by criticizing them, but by tossing them beneath behemoth ex-Steeler Jerome Bettis.

Jets coach Rex Ryan releases a book. It is printed on edible paper because Ryan wants the reader to be able to literally digest the knowledge he shares and also, he gets hungry on press junkets.

Michael Vick gains several endorsement deals as a reward for the restraint he’s exhibited in not killing any dogs during this idle period.

Dancing with the Stars winner Hines Ward tries to get out of a DUI by trying to start a conga with cops when asked to walk a straight line to show he’s sober. Instead, he salsas his way into the slammer for a night.

Dallas safety Roy Williams sues to get an engagement ring back that he sent through post service to his girlfriend as part of a proposal. She’s officially his Fed Ex now and he’s formed a reputation for mailing it in in big moments.

In his downtime, Chad Ochocinco rode a bull. Then, to do something dangerous, he rode public transportation.

The Environmental Protection Agency advocates for tabletop electric football to become the game of choice based on its low level of pollution.

Plaxico Burress, upon his release from serving a 2-year prison sentence, dances merrily, but having learned his lesson, does so with his gun’s safety on.

Ben Roethlisberger marries, unintentionally snapping his non-consensual sex streak.

Commissioner Roger Goodell grows a Hitler mustache in hopes it will make him more likeable. It only increases his popularity among hipsters, who don’t care about athletics anyway. Adding to his hipster cred, Goodell uses the $1 in salary he made in a self-imposed sacrifice during the work stoppage to buy a tall can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Denver quarterback Tim Tebow asks God for a sign. God rubs his thumb over the tip of his index and middle finger several times. Tebow immediately understands that God wants the players to bargain for a higher percentage of the league’s profits.

In perhaps the sport’s greatest rivalry, running back Cedric Benson briefly overtakes cornerback Adam Jones for the celebrated title of “Most Arrested Player” before Jones reclaims it several days later.

Due to the delay in progress, the Hall of Fame game scheduled for August 7 is canceled. Goodell urges fans to simulate it on Madden 2012 and asks them to try not to run up the score too much.

Brett Favre threatens to comeback if the labor strife isn’t settled soon, thus paving the way for a rapid resolution.

President Obama is now on Twitter and holding town halls, where he fields questions from users, as if in-person town halls weren’t full of enough imbeciles and lunatics. Here are the twitiodic things we’d want answers to @ #AskObama

What would you do for a Klondike bar? And is that why you killed bin Laden?

When you discuss raising the debt ceiling, how many feet do you have in mind? Are we talking Cathedral height?

With those tough teeth, how much wood could Joe Biden chuck if Joe Biden could chuck wood?

If we were running for President, would you vote for us? Keep in mind, when the situation was reversed, we did you a solid.

RT @bahamen: Who lets Bo the dog out?

If your iconic poster’s theme was “Hope,” should GOP candidate Gary Johnson, who advocates legalizing drugs, adopt the theme “Dope?”

The President has his finger on a dangerous button — the “Tweet” one.

Which blows more smoke, the Arizona wildfires or Mitch McConnell?

Is the Tea Party’s best strategy to throw itself into the Boston Harbor?

Won’t your wife’s plan to eliminate childhood obesity eventually cause the demise of dodgeball?

Since you decided to dispose of bin Laden’s body in the water, how many “Dead Sea” jokes have you heard?

In the bedroom, is your idea of “compromise” also bending over and submitting to the wants of others?

Does John Boehner spend more time in Congress or the tanning salon?

If we wanted to gay marry New York’s Governor, would that make us Cuomosexual?

Do you believe you were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize ironically?

Which is the more unnecessary than the original: Rand Paul or Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

Have you contemplated threatening Libya with Anthony Wiener’s “missile?”

If you were making a mixtape for Sara Palin, would you include the Beastie Boys’ “Paul Revere?”

Do you have plans to arrange a pickup hoops game between Arne Duncan and Tim Duncan?

Which is the bigger waste of 2 hours: playing Angry Birds or meeting with Eric Cantor about the possibility of raising taxes?

Exactly how much porn was found on Osama bin Laden’s computer? Are we talking about an addiction, David Duchovny quantity or was it a reasonable amount for an old, pervy father of 20+ kids?

What is your strategy for courting the coveted Juggalo vote in 2012?

Did you consider renaming your residence “The Bi-Racial House?”

Which is the more cruel and unusual act: forcing people to buy health insurance or forcing Conan O’Brien to surrender his time slot to Jay Leno?

Now that The Pope is also using Twitter, have you tweeted him any words of encouragement, like “Yes, We VatiCAN?”

Are the rumors true that Mitt Romney will take over the lead role in “The Book of Mormon?”

If Pakistan was an inept cartoon character, would it be Mr. Magoo or Elmer Fudd?

As measured on the Busey-Sheen scale of sanity, where does Michelle Bachman fall?

If you lose your re-election bid, will your administration count that as a new job created?