Unlike most troglodyte Americans whose idea of keeping up with the news is seeing what abomination was popped out of the crotch from the latest B celeb on Entertainment Tonight and Dancing with the Stars, I’ve tried basing my choice for the new president on more than who “talks all purty like” or scares me the most into fearing brown people. Even still, both sides make some good points and it’s hard to wade through the lies and mudslinging. So, I’m going to make my decision the best way I know: comparing the candidates to 80′s pop culture.

Closest likeness to a character from Thundercats

Barack: Panthro (the black Thundercat, clearly). Handiness around the Cat’s lair is key.
McCain: Mumm-Rah, used to living in the box, probably just as ancient. Being afraid of your own reflection is no way to take down terrorists.
Edge: Obama

Star wars characters

Rebel scum!

McCain: Emperor Palpatine – Yeah he’s evil, but wouldn’t it be fucking cool to throw lightining from your fingertips?
Obama: Lando Calrissian – Bitches out for a while, but does eventually come back to kick some ass. Poor man’s han solo, personally. What? That doesn’t make me a racist! Seriously! I have lots of black friends! I have biggie on my iPod! I loved “What’s Happening”!
Slight edge: McCain. Huge loss to my credibility with our black audience. If we had an audience.

The Goonies: More likely to go searching for treasure

McCain: Drill, baby, drill. No qualms about digging up your backyard for some pirate booty. Willing to follow One-Eyed Willie “to the gates of hell”.
Obama: Would form a committee, organize a petition, and keep his home through legislative means. Probably donate any cool ass treasures to a museum. Fuck that.
Edge: McCain
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Here at CA, we’re all about the randomness. A personal love of mine is random debates, especially ones concerning 80′s characters. With that spirit, we discuss the all important sidekick battle:

vs.

Snarf

Orko

Marc on Snarf:

• He acted as Lion-O’s nanny, raising and protecting him. Though overbearing and at times grating, still a much better nanny than Fran Drescher. Even when Lion-O grew into the unquestioned leader of the Thundercats, thanks to Snarf’s rearing, which included seeing Lion-O through a traumatic long-distance ( i.e. intergalactic) move during childhood, Snarf stayed by his side, to dispense sagely advice. He worries and isn’t afraid to say “I told you so,” making Snarf a father and mother figure all-in-one, thus giving Lion-O a more modern family model. Orko did save a young He-Man and Cringer from death, but Snarf was in charge of Lion-O’s growth, making his commitment greater. Orko is like the semi-deadbeat dad who hangs around and occasionally chips in to take his kid to Chuck E. Cheese, whereas Snarf is the single mom working three jobs to provide for his precious child.
• His name also conveniently serves as his catch phrase, which he sometimes says randomly, but often when he is scared. It’s an all-encompassing word, like dude, meaning nothing, yet everything. What does Orko say? No one can remember. All sidekicks need a solid, overused, nonsensical catch phrase.
• He originated from the Valley of the Snarfs. Who doesn’t love valleys? Orko emerged out of the Tar Swamps. When do good things ever come from swamps? Think of it this way: would you rather have valley girls or swamp gas?
• He has a tail. The Thundercats don’t. You don’t. Orko doesn’t. Jealousy abounds.
• His ribbed belly makes him look like a dragon or a comfy cable-knit sweater, depending on how high you are. Orko looks like the Grim Reaper’s gay cousin.
• His dark red and orange coloring offsets the abundance of blue in Panthro and Lion-O’s costumes. Snarf keeps the color scheme varied. Orko’s outfit, in contrast, clashes severely. His brick red witches hat, magenta cloak, lilac scarf, and light blue hand make him a prime candidate to appear on “What Not to Wear.”
• He keeps the disobedient WilyKit and WilyKat in line without resorting electroshock or waterboarding. Props for that.
• If he were to be referenced in a Kevin Smith movie, Jay would probably refer to him as “Snarf-to-the-motherfuckin’-arf.” Orko, would be called “Dorko.”
• Snarf is a lousy cook. Orko sucks at magic. Which would you rather have as a roommate? At least you can eat burned pasta, but good luck making your desk reappear.
• Both worship muscle-bound, shirt-scarce, sword-wielding men. Orko does have a girlfriend, but it could be a cover. These creatures definitely have hero-worship, dependency, sexual identity issues and, since it was the 80′s, likely nasty coke habits. Thankfully, neither sport new wave haircuts. Call it even.

Will on Orko:

• Let’s get one thing straight. Orko rocks the shit out of Snarf. Orko is from another dimension, another plane of existence if you will. Snarf on the other hand? I’m pretty sure he’s Lion-O’s midget retarded cousin. Either that or he’s incredibly self absorbed (he can’t even finish a sentence without saying his own name five times). But I can’t blame him, as according to Wikipedia, the source for all things useless, his real name is Osbert. Sounds like he should be out selling life insurance.
• If they get in a fight, who’s going to win? Probably a tie. Both are fairly useless. But Orko’s going to pull some crazy magic out his hat that will naturally backfire (as he is the comic relief). Snarf will roll over and surrender, covering his face with his ears. Are we sure he’s from Thundera and not France? Orko will be more entertaining, so the edge to him.
• While a tail is key, it’s not like a monkey’s tail or a dragon’s tail. It’s a stubby little nothing. I bet he got made fun of all the time in the boys locker room in high school. Orko on the other hand can fly (or levitate, really). Clearly superior.
• How about their style. Orko’s got a pimp hat. Give the man a cane and some platform shoes (if he actually walked) and you’d see him telling his girls what time it is. He’s also blue and red. Who else is blue and red? Superman, Mario, Sonic. Snarf on the other hand? Red and yellow. You know who else had red and yellow colors? Communists. That’s right, while Orko is getting into the mix with the best of ‘em, Snarf is busy hating America. And freedom.
• Orko’s got a lady friend at home (at least one, he could have dozens back on his homeworld of Trolla). He knows how to party. Snarf, on the other hand is a pederast. Sure, you’re only “babysitting” wily kit and wily kat.
  
  12 year olds, dude

• Orko’s in the fucking know. Watch the opening credits. Who knows that Adam is, in fact, He-man? You got the Sorceress. You got Man At Arms. And who’s the third? That’s right, it’s Orko. He’s important enough to see through the greatest secret identity costume ever (losing your shirt). You can keep Snarf’s “nursemaid” status. I’m sure that’s a very prestigious honor. Orko will be real jealous when Snarf rolls around with the likes of Mrs. Doubtfire and Mary Poppins.