Check our Vitale signs, March Madness is here, which means it’s time to dust off our degree in bracketology – which is only slightly less useless than our Bachelor’s in English – and make our picks for the field.
Uncertain if forward John Henson will be able to play, North Carolina commissions Jim Henson studios to make a muppet mimic, which goes unnoticed until Yahoo Sports reports on it, taking Gonzo journalism to another level. Meanwhile, Gonzaga is annoyed it didn’t think of this first.
In a move that surprises no one, the Wichita State Shockers become the favorite of frat boys everywhere, while Xavier is supported by comic book geeks who hope the special school is full of mutants.
Harvard is disqualified after failing to emerge from the locker room of their halftime matchup against Vanderbilt because they have to cram for their mathematics exam, concluding that game theory is more important than the game.
Kentucky escapes by the skin of their teeth against Western Kentucky, which is an idiom most people in the state can’t relate to.
Small school sensation Murray State shows up ready for their first-round meeting, but lose because Jermaine and Bret aren’t present. It makes for a long flight (of the conchords) home.
Disgruntled Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard adds Duke to the list of teams he’s willing to be traded to. Having never played college ball, the NCAA immediately declares him eligible to suit up and asks Duke if there’s anything else they can do to help. Duke requests that the NCAA hire circus performers as referees, so it’ll be easier for the officials to swallow their whistles when it comes to making calls against the Blue Devils.
In an ironic twist, following an upset,vengeful Syracuse fans burn the UNC-Asheville campus to ashes.
Notre Dame refuses to play their scheduled contest on St. Patrick’s Day, citing “religious and intoxicated reasons.”
Your only “sleeper” selection that comes true, is when you correctly predict that your girlfriend will force you to spend the night on the sofa when you put your foot down and declare that you’re watching Creighton, instead of accompanying her to Crate + Barrel. You earn a second stay in the easy chair by choosing Marquette over a trip with her to the market.
After seeing a Hooters commercial for the 1,000th time, you still can’t decide which seems more astoundingly artificial: the women or the food.