by Will February 18th, 2012 Posted in: headlines

Like many, I was disappointed to see Governor Chris Christie veto a bill that would’ve allowed same-sex marriages in New Jersey after supporters have been pushing for it for so long. I may refer to the state as the back alley New Yorkers dispose of their hookers and drunks, but I still hold high hopes for equality in every state. My knee jerk reaction, like so many others have given into, is to immediately criticize Christie for his weight, an obvious physical flaw of low hanging fruit like so many others have grasped at.

I shall hold strong against this temptation.

I believe in taking the high road of low brow humor in defenestration of such a man. There’s plenty of douchebaggery to go around and to immediately jump into that water, thereby displacing the hatred of one minority with that of another carries far too much sad irony with it.

Christie’s a jerk-ass, and as such it is completely irrelevant of any physical weight on the matter and reliant more on the spiritual weight of it all. To that end, I’ve come up with some conclusions as to how Gov. Jerk-Ass (with aspirations of higher political jerk-assery in his future) may have come to such a decision.

Gov. Christie defending his “Bigger than a handful or GTFO!” Bill.

  • He’s afraid global warming proponents will be proven correct by strange weather patterns when it does, in fact, start raining men
  • Doesn’t want to break the illusion from Harold & Kumar movies that NPH is a drug fueled heterosexual chick magnet who he just might run into some day
  • Concerns that Bruce Springsteen will have to change his cover of Tom Waits’ iconic song to “Jersey Boy”
  • Belief that” Six Flags” will rename itself “Six F…” – well, you get the idea
  • Doesn’t want to lose the privilege of making boobs out of the W’s on Wawa signs by drawing little nipples on them
  • The phrases “Can you pump my gas?”, “Skiballing on the Shore”, and “Going down the NJ Turnpike” will suddenly become double entendres
  • Really loves Mitch and Cam’s witty┬árepartee on Modern Family and doesn’t want to ruin the illusion
  • Will have to think up various excuses to his use of the word “fierce” to describe the NJ Devils
  • Mistakenly under the assumption that, while not indulging in orgies, gays are left to satisfy their OCD desires and would therefore undermine him in actually getting the beaches of Jersey cleaned up of all those pesky hypodermic needles
  • Took Christmas songs a little too literally growing up, believing that during the holidays he will, in fact, be required to “don we now our gay apparel”
  • Will now be considered New York’s “Power Bottom”
  • Doesn’t want to see The Sopranos made into a Broadway show centered around actual soprano singers
  • Eternal looming question “Overly-teased big haired Bon Jovi fan or Drag Queen?” would damn most relationships from the start
  • Worries that official state response to “How You Doin’?” would be “Faaaabulous!”
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