These past few months we’ve been busy running our waterbed store, Wet Dreams. Our buy a twin, get a set of twins promotion was highly successful. As was our commercial featuring Billy Ocean crooning, “Get out of my dreams and get into Wet Dreams.” We declared the sale Serta-fiably sexy. As far as sleep numbers go, every customer’s was a 69. Ironically, we grew restless selling beds (after a while, we lost the box spring in our step), so back to blogging we go, like a moth to a flame or a butterfly to a Tiffany lamp (they’re attracted to colorful light). This Super Bowl is a re-match of the 2007 game, making it less somewhat less than super (we’d describe it as “accepta-bowl”), but it’s still worth betting on (we have a lot of money stored under our unsold mattresses). Here are some prop bets that will probably blow up in our faces like homemade meth (we knew we should’ve used the Betty Crack-er mix). So degenerates: Are you ready for some gam-ball?
1:3 Odds a despondent Aaron Rodgers pantomimes hanging himself with his imaginary championship belt.
10:1 Odds we dub his maneuver the “discount double choke.”
1:10 Odds Al Michaels spaces out and thinks he’s calling the Indy 500 race.
1:20 Odds Giants WR Victor Cruz puts a literal spin on his salsa dance celebration but dunking a football into a jar of salsa if he scores. 1:15 Odds he does the limbo under the goal posts.
1:25 Odds Pats coach Bill Belichick switches from a sleeveless hoodie to a hood-less one.
1:50 Odds Madonna brings Tim Tebow onstage during halftime for a duet of “Like a Virgin.”
1: 100,000 Odds Tebow then converts Madonna to Christianity.
1:75 Odds a confused Harrison Ford is spotted at the game wearing a fedora and holding a bullwhip because he noticed “Indy” has been trending all week.
2:1 Odds Giants coach Tom Coughlin’s face turns all colors on the Homeland Security’s terror alert level chart before the game is over.
Aaron Rodgers has gone to the State Farm upstate.
1:5 Odds Chad Ochocinco will change his name to “Uno Super Bowl-o” or “Cero Super Bowl-o,” depending on the outcome.
1:500 Odds Pats TE Rob Gronkowski spikes the ball so hard that it leaves the Earth’s atmosphere.
1:1,000 Odds it collides with an NBC satellite, causing a temporary blackout for TV viewers.
1:20 Odds Eli Manning gets choked up after the game.
1: 30 Odds he gets choked out… by jealous brother Peyton.
1:50 Odds Pats enormous DT Vince Wilfork gets injured and has to be carted off the field by a forklift.
1:80 Odds versatile Pats WR/DB/returner Julian Edelman is asked to call plays.
1:15 Odds he’s asked to star in an NBC series.
1:100 Odds that if Tom Brady wins his third championship the Tea Party will nominate him, as a true Patriot, to run for President.
50:1 Odds Brady, should he accept the nomination, will immediately be beating Mitt Romney in the polls.
1:200 Odds New York’s game-day ritual consists of listening to They Might Be Giants, watching Little Giants and shopping at a Giant supermarket.
1:300 Odds New England counters by watching The Patriot, Patriot Games and It’s Pat: The Movie.
1:15 Odds that more Americans who DVR the game fast forward through the football to watch the commercials.