The GOP field may have grown narrower over the last few weeks, but that hasn’t stopped Newt Gingrich from squeezing his wide load through that gap and into the lead. I’m attributing this sudden burst of fame with his ability to mesmerize the more simple minded folk with the incredible feat of spouting pure shit despie being full of nothing but empty promises.
Take his latest boast for instance. By the end of his second term as president, Newt has promised that he’ll establish a colony on the moon. While its primary function will be as port of call for future expeditions to Mars, I can only assume it has the secondary function of housing his disposed of wives.
Newt is not the first visionary with such ideals.
I can’t say that I’m the biggest Gingrich supporter in the world. I may have on more than one occasion claimed that the Jay-Z/Kanye West “Watch the Throne” album name is also applicable as a warning for anyone who follows him after using a restroom. This interstellar project would fit his M.O. though (divorcing himself from a dying planet in order to shack up with a newer, hotter celestial body) so I’m fully ready to sign those papers and get him off this rock.
People have questions how such a plan can be put into action. I’m happy to answer.
Where is the money from this going to come?
We’re hoping to mine the moon for precious moon rocks, which as we all know is actually the primary ingredient in Splenda. Failing that, we’re pretty sure Ron Paul is secretly a leprechaun and will give us his pot of gold if we can only catch him…
Where is the technology going to come from to make this possible?
You forget that the GOP has had a long established R&D department. They managed to keep the fear engine running 10 years after 9/11. It’s also a lesser known fact that they’ve already established nanotechnology used in the design of several automatons that look and feel just like real people. Incidentally, should Newt win, Romney will be broken down into his smaller base parts and used in the shuttle construction.
How would we power such a machine?
Newt has a plan involving liquifying orphans and the homeless that he’s discovered makes a powerful rocket fuel. This is also doubly helpful for dropping those employment rates. The pitch to a new labor force – “Exciting availability in advancing technology job market. Little to no experience needed. Lots of travel abroad, chance to see the stars. Power the new wave of American exploration!”. There’s also word we could use the sexual frustration of the sexless marriage between Michelle and Marcus “I’m not fooling anyone with this hetero routine” Bachmann.
What nation’s jurisdiction does the moon fall under?
America has established several precedents involving such disputes, notably citing the landmark case of “Finders and Keepers” (with the tangential law being established as the “Losers Weepers” bill). While not iron clad, we plan on licking it first and telling China “If you want it so bad, have it, but it’ll have our spit all over it”.
Should we worry about any hostile extraterrestrial life?
Of course not. As soon as we get there, then they’re the aliens. Which means they’re on our land and must leave. We’ve also watched Superman II on repeat and we’re pretty sure we could always launch them into the phantom zone should the need arise.
What sort of alternatives to this have been proposed?
While a trip out to space is of course the ideal, we’ve also offered up several back up plans. We’ve yet to develop foreign relations with Hogwarts, drill to the center of the Earth to looking for a tunnel to China, nor asked Doc Brown to harness any sort of flux capacitor. Obama thought we should invest in renewable resources along with exploring opportunities in our tech sector and skilled labor markets. What an ass.
