There’s a group of people who are inexplicably rich, think more highly of themselves than the general public does, frequently say stupid things and appear on TV constantly. No, we’re not talking about the Kardashians, it’s the GOP candidates. With a debate almost every other day, you might assume you know everything about the Republicans running for President, but they’re all harboring some secrets. Concentrated Awesome uncovers the naked, pasty and wrinkled truth.
Rick Santorum: Is so pro-family, that he only buys family-sized portions of products (no Kraft Singles for him) and hasn’t watched TV since Family Ties went off the air (with the exception of Family Feud). If elected, will change the Constitution to allow children to vote, so he’s guaranteed at least 20 votes from the Duggars’ household alone.
Rick Perry: Wants to eliminate not only departments of government, but also department stores. As commander-in-chief, will order veterans returning from Afghanistan to bomb Bloomingdale’s. To atone for the racist name of his family’s vacation written on a stone, will ask Sly Stone to be his running mate, reasoning that the best way to get out of a funk is to get into funk.
Herman Cain: Sexually harassed The ‘Noid, which was thought to be impossible, due to the creature’s lack of genitalia. His 9-9-9 plan is actually 6-6-6, he just mistakenly read his deal with the devil upside-down.
Michelle Bachman: Under her suit jacket, she’s wearing a straight jacket. Under that she’s wearing a corset. And under that she’s wearing a necklace with a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood (yup, who he gave it to when he and Angelina broke up).
To court the youth vote, Perry will now say "my bad," instead of "oops."
Newt Gingrich: Actually left his own campaign months ago, asking to be released from his “Contract with America.” The Yankees immediately signed him to a 4-year, $70 million deal.
John Huntsman: Influenced by his time as ambassador to China, his immigration plan is to build a “great wall” around the U.S., covering it in duck sauce, so it’s too slippery to scale. Instead of counting on a cabinet for counsel, he will seek advice solely from fortune cookies (it’s the same method he used to learn Chinese and pick lottery numbers).
Ron Paul: Even after learning he’s a man, still has a crush on RuPaul. Isn’t even interested in the office of the President, just enjoys being asked hypothetical questions, standing at podiums and wasting other people’s time. In other words, he really misses high school debate.
Mitt Romney: Has decided to embrace his “vanilla” image, hiring Vanilla Ice as a consultant, who has devised a three-point plan for Romney to “stop, collaborate and listen.” Intends to fake his own death before next November after learning that voters in a tiny Michigan town elected a deceased man mayor.
