Recently, it was revealed that FEMA used whether or not Waffle House was open as a measuring stick for determining disasters. Yes, they assessed grit by grits. Never mind that eating a meal at Waffle House is the true definition of “disaster.” Your body is more likely to accept a donated organ than that slop. Sure, it’s easy to remember that if the eggs are runny, you’d better run. But what if the organization had chosen a different eatery? Here’s how we believe they would calculate calamity at other food chains.
Pizza Hut: When customers begin asking employees to stuff beloved personal possessions inside the crust instead of cheese.
Olive Garden: Changes slogan to “When you’re here, it’s because all the local shelters are full.” Runs a manicotti & cot special.
KFC: If people start turning the buckets of chicken upside down to protect their heads from falling debris and ask for extra biscuits to sop up their tears.
IHOP: Begins offering an “all-you-can-eat-before-we-die” option.
If you see this, FEMA has declared the area a danger P'Zone.
Burger King: If the customers inside are contemplating regicide because no one has come to their aid.
Little Ceasars: Their popular Crazy Bread is re-named Freak the Fuck Out Focaccia.
Applebee’s: Adopts new slogan: Eatin’ good in what’s left of the neighborhood.
Chick-fil-A: Those cute cows that hold up signs in their ads start advising people to “Eat Mor Human Flesh.”
Subway: People pile in the shop shouting for spokesman Michael Phelps - or Aquaman, or anyone who moves well in water – to save them.
Chili’s: Provides a deal giving free Bloody Marys to anyone bloodied named Mary.
