Hail Mary, football has returned (Ryan Grant us the serenity), giving us a great excuse to get out of seeing The Help (we clearly live in a post-racial world - an average, white running back is on the cover of Madden this year), as well as continue our destined descent into obesity and alcoholism (Coors and corn dogs in hand, we’re living the high cholesterol life). Our hearts are pounding with excitement or angina. Before you begin exclaiming the Hillis are alive with the sound of football, set the Tivo to Tebow and welcome Santonio into your Holmes, let Concentrated Awesome tell you what to expect this NFL season with the Jahvid Best preview around. Enough mumbling and stumbling, we’ll leave that to Chris Berman.
Green Bay: Still feeling the high from the Packers Super Bowl win, Aaron Rodgers will refuse to leave Disneyland. In fact, despite pleas from teammates, he won’t even agree to de-board the Space Mountain ride.
Pittsburgh: James Harrison is issued a $100,000 fine by the league office for tying his cleats too aggressively during a game.
New York Jets: In battling for a ball with a defender, Plaxico Burress uses his height and a homemade shiv to make the catch. The NY Post headline the next day reads: A Cut Above the Rest.
Philadelphia: Having signed a new $100 million dollar deal, Michael Vick will move on to pitting more exotic, expensive animals against each other. Prepare for a snow leopard fighting ring.
New England: Jealous of the fame fellow receiver Hines Ward earned on reality TV in the off-season, Chad Ochocinco will create his own show, Touchdown Dancing with the Stars.
Washington: Picking up where he left off last season, Mike Shanahan will continue to wield his authority like an asshole, prompting him to leave coaching to pursue a career in politics.
Indianapolis: Pushing through the pain of a damaged nerve in his neck, Peyton Manning courageously guts it out for the good of the league and films another Oreos commercial. It will be the Double Stuff legends are made of.
More pastrami for The Swami: Berman’s stomach does the rumbling these days.
Tennessee: Holdout Chris Johnson salary demands grow increasingly unreasonable as he requests “two-thirds of the gold in Fort Knox.” And Bears WR Johnny Knox.
Denver: Having lost the quarterback competition to Kyle Orton, Tim Tebow does the decent, Christian thing: pray to God to smite his rival. When his prayers go unanswered, Tebow converts to Hinduism, figuring gods with multiple arms must be more sympathetic to a thrower’s troubles.
Jacksonville: Realizing his own squad has no shot of reaching the playoffs, Maurice Jones-Drew asks to be traded to a contending fantasy football team.
Cleveland: Colt McCoy will learn how anonymous he is, when a poll in the local paper reveals more people believe he’s a character Clint Eastwood played in a western than the Browns starting QB.
Cincinnati: After being told by coaches that he “needs to improve his hands,” rookie receiver A.J. Green promptly goes out and gets a manicure.
Carolina: To attract female fans, Carolina will become the Werepanthers and anoint True Blood‘s Jason Stackhouse as their new quarterback. In another nod to the steamy show, the team will play “skins” style, naked from the waist up. If that fails to interest women, they’ll invite Sarah Jessica Parker to host a “Sacks and the City Night.”
Chicago: Like deep dish pizza, the Bears will look good on the surface, but be a disgusting mess underneath, repulsing reasonable people.
Houston: Avid Twitter user Arian Foster, having posted a picture of MRI on his hurt hamstring, will continue a pattern of making his personal medical information public, releasing his HIV test and colonoscopy results.
