The last straw poll: Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty withdrew from the race after a poor showing in Iowa. The public decided they’d seen Pawlenty of him.
Six feet Down Under: An Australian study found that for every 1 hour of TV a person over the age of 25 watches, 22 minutes are taken off their life. Guess it’s time to start Breaking Bad habits.
Chipotlayoffs coming: Economic experts forecast that we’re headed towards a double-dip recession, but also predict American’s won’t mind, so long as the recession is dipped in nacho cheese and sour cream.
The Situation immediately offered to give them the shirt off his back: Abercrombie & Fitch has offered to pay the cast of The Jersey Shore to stop wearing its clothes. This is a great deal for the gang, who have been undressing for free.
Naught worthy: Pawlenty zeros in on what went wrong.
Welcome to the Frappturnity: It’s been revealed that Starbucks has a secret menu. When ordering from it, be prepared to use code: java script.
Loan wolf: America’s credit rating has been downgraded. How bad is it? President Obama had to take out a second mortgage on the White House and is being forced to put Christmas presents for Sasha and Malia on layaway.
Arkansas really missed an opportunity: Builders have begun work on Noah’s Ark at a Bible theme park in Kentucky. Once finished, it should be flooded with tourists.
He needs more Orlandough: Due to financial struggles, Burt Reynolds is in danger of having his Florida home foreclosed on. He might lose the longest backyard.
Quick Reid: Tara Reid got married within 24 hours of becoming engaged. Her time as a fiancee was slightly longer than her time as an employed actress.
Roll of a lifetime: President Obama has been traveling in a new $1.1 million bus. The ride is so enormous and expensive it runs on Vin Diesel.
He’s a Madden man: Chad Ochocinco claims he will live with a fan for the first few weeks of the NFL season. His only roommate requirements are an X-box and an internet connection, confirming that he is crazy like a Firefox.
