With Will off to California to secure financing for our Muslim zombie movie, Ramadan of the Dead* (tagline: When the sun goes down, the feeding begins.), it’s up to me to hold down the fort, which has been secured — as most sturdy forts are — with an extra set of pillows. Lest you worry, these are quality pillows. Goose feather, in fact. I’m not leaving anything to chance.
*If Hollywood doesn’t like our horror idea, we’ve got a comedy pitch prepared: The Mosque. It’s a re-make with a twist. Jim Carrey stars as a banker who is under pressure to decide whether to approve or reject the loan to build the unpopular Islamic Cultural Center in New York City. He finds this fake, long beard floating in the East River that gives him magical powers to persuade people that it’s a good idea to build the center (tagline: Once he puts on the beard, things get weird!). Not to give the whole plot away, but it turns out that James Carville wore the beard as part of a Halloween costume, thus explaining Carrey’s newfound oratorical abilities. It’s going to put the ‘ha’ back in “jihad.”
Ditch the figure of speech: Since April, President Obama has been repeating a metaphor about the Republicans driving a car (the economy) off the road and into a hole, leaving the Democrats to figure a way out of the situation. The car changed manufacturers while it was stuck, which makes the Republicans a Toyota (couldn’t stop) and the Democrats a Mazda.
Deafinite answer: A new study has found that 1 in 5 teenagers in the U.S. suffers from slight hearing loss. Finally, an explanation for the Jonas Brothers’ success.
Doe not attempt: Ted Nugent plead no contest to baiting a deer in California, which is illegal. Even worse was how he baited it: by buying it shots of Jager until the deer agreed to come with him.
This brings new meaning to the word "buckshot."
That was also the name of the all-boys prep school in my area: In Germany, the Sausage Academy allows students to earn a diploma in studying various wursts. Over 1,300 people have completed the program, meaning it’s easy to meat the graduation requirements.
From now on, only cold calls: An answering machine was to blame for starting a house fire in Seattle. The caller did leave a message after the beep…of the fire alarm.
He was so angry, he was seeing Redman: Method Man was attacked on stage at the same festival as Tila Tequila. Contrary to popular belief, Wu Tag Clan is something to fuck with.
We’re app-athetic about it: Facebook launched Places on Wednesday, which lets users tell others their current location via the GPS on their phone. Now, while we’re not caring about what you’re doing, we can also not care about where you’re doing it.
All parasites except Nic Cage removed: Bed bugs were found in the Times Square AMC, forcing it to close for a day this week. Even more disturbing was the discovery the theater was still playing The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
Not available in black: Rumors are circulating that Apple will release a tinier version of the iPad. Tech experts believe the smaller 7″ screen should cut down on iPad envy.
Sorry, you’ve Lost us: J.J. Abrams is developing a thriller based on the teen party game Seven Minutes in Heaven (we’ll brace ourselves for an inevitable Jerry Bruckheimer action-adventure pic inspired by spin the bottle). Here’s our tagline for it: Sometimes, it’s a bad idea to come out of the closet (alternate one: What if Heaven’s gates were actually a door?).
ACT the fool: Overall scores on the ACT college entrance exam have hit a five-year low. I hope all you parents of high schoolers SAT down before reading that.
