This past weekend saw what may be the greatest movie of our generation (if you just said Eat, Pray, Love I might have to beat you with the nearest baby I find, which hopefully poops on you as I bludgeon you with it). The movie I’m referring to is of course The Expendables.
Granted, I haven’t seen this movie yet, but the “plot” is less than difficult to guess. In fact, I’m pretty sure the entire script was created one night in Vegas by several out of work drunkards after a Dave Matthews Band concert. Quick recap:
Frat guy #1: “Dude, imagine if Rambo was in Predator. That would be the greatest movie ever!”
Frat guy #2: “No way, they’d still need at least a Jason Statham in there.”
Frat guy #3: “Yeah totally! Man, did you see that scene in The Transporter where he gets all oiled up? So slippery…so slick…”
Frat guy #1: “Uh…this is going to a weird place. Oh sweet, an Ed Hardy shop!”
Ok, maybe that’s not word for word, but you get the idea. Some genius said why not throw together as many bad asses from action movies as you can to create one super movie. I personally think they dropped the ball by not calling it “Blowin’ Shit Up”, because then you know exactly what’s going down. Until I see it, I’ll just have to take my best guess as to how they may be “expended”, of course with hilarious results:
Sly Stallone – He could go out a number of ways. In a series of attempts to master the three seashells, he could become increasingly frustrated and slash his wrists, or he could be at the unfortunate end of irony when he fails to stop and his mom shoots him. My best guess though is that after so many Rocky movies, zombie Apollo Creed comes back and finishes off what he started in the first one.
Jet Li – After being compared to every other famous Asian martial artist, he finally challenges them all in a no-holds-barred fight. Despite being dead for nearly four decades, Bruce Lee kicks the crap out of him. Why? Because he’s Bruce Lee, that’s why.
Jason Statham – Performing in several movies where his signature move is to contort his face in confusion, Statham finally makes one too many Uwe Boll movies and twists it so far he snaps his own neck in the process.
This is what several bottles of tequila, a terrible/awesome idea, and $80 million gets you.
Dolph Lundgren – Xenophobic sentiment at another historic high takes its unfortunate toll on him when the nation lynches him, believing him to be Ivan Drago from Rocky IV and therefore a Commie Russian spy.
Eric Roberts – I thought he was smothered by his sister Julia’s career long, long ago. Is he still alive!? Three to one odds that he has a small dwarf inside him working him like a marionette.
Randy Couture – I actually had to look him up. He’s an MMA fighter? Sure why not, throw him in the movie. I’m guessing he dies from obscurity.
Steve Austin – Having heard Stone Cold quote “Austin 3:16″ one too many times, J.C. comes down to give him “The People’s Elbow” drop all the way from heaven (that’s a hell of a lot higher than a turn buckle). That’s right, Jesus is a fan of the Rock. Oh…you didn’t know?
Terry Crews – Considering he’s the only black guy, movie law dictates he be the first to go. I say he gets crushed by the opening credits, which would set a record for longest living black dude in an action flick.
Mickey Rourke – If it’s not drugs, I don’t think the man can be killed. I just don’t know if there is enough narcotics, alcohol, and poisons left in the world to bring him down.
Arnold Schwarzenegger – The Terminator finally runs out of battery power after travelling back in time 26 years ago. California, being completely bankrupt and in the middle of an energy crisis, has no more money to power him back up, and instead replaces him with a wind up monkey with cymbals, which it turns out isn’t the worst governor they’ve ever had.
Bruce Willis – Realizes that he lost Demi Moore to that jackass from That 70′s Show and the camera commercials. Pulls a Nakatomi Plaza and blows up a rooftop party held by Kutcher. Hollywood, having seen this coming, unfreezes another one of his clones and continues on its way.
Bonus Round (not included in the movie, but should have been):
Jean-Claude Van Damme – Is dismayed when he finally watches a video of himself dancing. He roundhouse kicks so hard it unmakes the universe.
Mr. T – Like a modern day Dorian Gray, Mr. T looks in the mirror one morning and pities the fool he sees in the reflection, causing him to disintegrate into a pile of nothing more than gold jewelery and a mohawk.
Steven Seagal – Hell, what couldn’t kill an overweight Seagal at this point? Could probably slip on a banana peel and that would take him out.
Chuck Norris – Is mauled to death by a legion of nerds from the internet who read one too many “Chuck Norris Facts” and don’t realize that he’s actually a 70+ year old dude.
August 17th, 2010 at 9:52 am
Vin Diesel is fast becoming furious over his omission (see what I did there?)
Crews actually gets crushed BY the opening credits, as the giant letters that spell out his name fall on him (making it a suicide).
August 17th, 2010 at 9:56 am
Seagal’s more likely to succumb to banana pudding than a banana peel.