Like the majority of internet entrepreneurs, such as Mr. Twitter and Craig List, Will and I aren’t exactly sleeping on top of a pile of money (using rolls of pennies for pillows was really uncomfortable), despite the undeniable outstandingness of our website (except to grammar sticklers and Lou Dobbs, who keeps trying to have me deported. Luckily, “somewhere below the equator” doesn’t count as a destination, you xenophobic asshat — or should I say “asssombrero?”) You may recall some of our previous plans and we’re back with more brilliant business ideas. We can only hope that one of these is Candwich-level amazing. Regardless, we won’t stop scheming until we can dive into our wealth Scrooge McDuck-style.
A newspaper about fruit, Currant Events (we promise never to berry the lead)
A singing string toy, Ne-Yo-yo
A courtroom-themed male strip club, Hung Jury
A general goods store for white supremacists, KKK-Mart
An exclusive nightclub, Bar None (or a combo convent/club, Bar Nun)
A supply store for electricians, Socket To Me (it’s an outlet)
A podiatrist/magician’s office, Presstoe!
When we're rich, we won't be wearing pants either.
A chiropractor radio show, Back Talk
An acapella group, A-Minor Problem
A sex toy puzzle, Rubix Pube
A coffee shop/petting zoo, Calfe
A spin-off of Cash Cab, where contestants answer questions while being driven around off-road, Jeepardy
A political group based on pitying fools (and investing in gold chains), the Mr. T. Party
A firearms bartering business, Loan Gunman
A middle eastern clothing store, Turban Outfitters
A poetry and cycling festival, Spoke N Word
A Joe Biden-themed ice cream shop, Cusstard
A snooty security staff, Avant Guard
A zombie service organization, AmeriCorpse
An off-shoot of publisher Random House, Arbitrary Apartment (and if that takes off, Coincidental Condo)
A communist copy shop, Pinko’s
A combination marijuana dispensary and cleaners, High and Dry
A pay-per-session gym, Weight a Minute
