The New York Knicks know the only way to strengthen their sorry squad is to make a move for the best player in the NBA, LeBron James, who as of today, is free to sign with any team in the league. Their bid will have to be historically high and consist of more than enlisting celebrities to beg for his services. Who needs Chicago’s young point guard Derrick Rose, when you can hang out with PBS talk show host Charlie Rose? Maybe LeBron will mistake Alec Baldwin for a bloated Pat Riley and think he’s signing with Miami. When your trump card is Trump, it’s time to rethink your recruiting strategy.  Although the Knicks have so much money that they could replace the chalk he throws into the air before games with cocaine should James request it, cash alone won’t be enough. Here’s how to lead LeBron down the Madison Square Garden path (bonus: all suggestions are Spike Lee-free).

Rename at least one of the five boroughs. Hello, LeBronx. Long Island will be known as 6’8″ Island.

Since LeBron is basketball’s savior, print a new King James version of bible, containing his exploits. After all, LeBron, just like Jesus, has a killer crossover. And on the seventh day, he rested…because he was coming off back-to-back games. He can’t walk on water, but he can walk on Gatorade — and also walk on the court and not get called for traveling (truly, a modern miracle).

Put a James jersey on Lady Liberty because New York carries a torch for LeBron.

Have him dunk the bell on the NYSE to open the day’s trading, sparking a new strategy on Wall Street: sell high, jump high. Use the footage for a new Nike ad with the slogan: Just Dow It.

Turn the ‘L’ train into the ‘LB.’ It should run more smoothly afterward, though it’ll still stink of B.O. just as much.

All Broadway productions of Les Mis, will become Le Bron, with a new song, “I Dreamed a Dream Team.” Make most plays basketball-themed, like Phantom of the Hoopra, about a masked player who is a ghost of his former self (starring Richard Hamilton), and Waiting for Good Dough, in which NBA free agents sit around anticipating the arrival of team representatives wooing them (spoiler: no one ever comes for Tracy McGrady and Richard Jefferson). Cats will be about the Charlotte Bobcats and, just like the team, will be terrible.

Convert Carnegie Hall into a practice gym and relabel it Carnegie Ball, putting the ‘net’ in “clarinet.”

Let him be the designated hitter for the Yankees. Fans need to know if he’s better than Jordan at other sports, too.

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