Wiping out a deficit: In an attempt to reduce a large shortfall, Newark mayor Cory Booker is slashing the city budget, even eliminating toilet paper. People will probably find this level of penny-pinching less than Charmin.

Gross profit: In an effort to conserve cash, Booker is willing to get his hands dirty.

Pitch(fork)ing a fit: The USDA has offered Shirley Sherrod another position after recently forcing her to resign: overseeing FarmVille. Guess she’s not such a bad seed. If she’s not interested, Russell Simmons might let her run Phat Farm (“Phat” being short for Purposefully hating anglo tillers).

Dude, you’re getting a New Delhi: India has debuted a low-cost computer that will retail for $35. The catch is they’ll have to call America for trouble-shooting. Sample call: Customer: I’m experiencing a situation — Tech support: No way! You’re hanging out with that guy from Jersey Shore? Tell him his abs are killer.  Customer: What? No. My hard drive won’t boot up. Tech support: Have you tried Viagra? Always works for me, bro Montana.

Enterprising spirits: Over the weekend, a homeless man in California re-opened a bar that went out of business and began selling drinks before the cops shut the operation down. Both patrons and police agree the man is (Bud)wiser than the average bum.

Rush to judgment: Rush Limbaugh took some conservative media members to task Thursday on his radio show, calling them “cowards.” We can only hope he was looking in the mirror while doing so.

Marvel at the nerdiness: Comic-Con is underway in San Diego. A record turnout is expected, so Guinness Book of Records is on-hand to count the largest number of virgins together in one place (also achieved: most people in same location wearing homemade capes).

A (Mu)slim chance: Sarah Palin, among others, is protesting the proposal to build a mosque near “Ground Zero” in Manhattan, but for those making the sacred ground argument, we need to point out that there are strip clubs a mere two blocks away. At least none of them are named “Twin Towers.”

Groening’s groaning over this: Are we the only ones who thought The Last Airbender was another Futurama movie about our favorite, foul-mouthed robot learning to fly and training with zen monks and harnessing the power of the Earth’s elements or something (the trailer was convoluted)?

Kim Jong-Hill: Responding to the presence of U.S. forces off its coast, North Korea has threatened a “physical response.” Translation: Kim Jong-il wants to grope Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Sadly, our own government is to blame for his twisted logic: George W. Bush taught him it’s not harassment if it’s in the form of a massage, while Al Gore taught him it’s not harassment if it’s to a masseuse.

White whine: Apple has delayed the release of its white iphone 4, originally slated for the end of July, until sometime later this year. Conspiracy theorists are convinced Shirley Sherrod is at the center of this setback.

Like the majority of internet entrepreneurs, such as Mr. Twitter and Craig List, Will and I aren’t exactly sleeping on top of a pile of money (using rolls of pennies for pillows was really uncomfortable), despite the undeniable outstandingness of our website (except to grammar sticklers and Lou Dobbs, who keeps trying to have me deported. Luckily, “somewhere below the equator” doesn’t count as a destination, you xenophobic asshat — or should I say “asssombrero?”) You may recall some of our previous plans and we’re back with more brilliant business ideas. We can only hope that one of these is Candwich-level amazing. Regardless, we won’t stop scheming until we can dive into our wealth Scrooge McDuck-style.

A newspaper about fruit, Currant Events (we promise never to berry the lead)

A singing string toy, Ne-Yo-yo

A courtroom-themed male strip club, Hung Jury

A general goods store for white supremacists, KKK-Mart

An exclusive nightclub, Bar None (or a combo convent/club, Bar Nun)

A supply store for electricians, Socket To Me (it’s an outlet)

A podiatrist/magician’s office, Presstoe!

When we're rich, we won't be wearing pants either.

A chiropractor radio show, Back Talk

An acapella group, A-Minor Problem

A sex toy puzzle, Rubix Pube

A coffee shop/petting zoo, Calfe

A spin-off of Cash Cab, where contestants answer questions while being driven around off-road, Jeepardy

A political group based on pitying fools (and investing in gold chains), the Mr. T. Party

A firearms bartering business, Loan Gunman

A middle eastern clothing store, Turban Outfitters

A poetry and cycling festival, Spoke N Word

A Joe Biden-themed ice cream shop, Cusstard

A snooty security staff, Avant Guard

A zombie service organization, AmeriCorpse

An off-shoot of publisher Random House, Arbitrary Apartment (and if that takes off, Coincidental Condo)

A communist copy shop, Pinko’s

A combination marijuana dispensary and cleaners, High and Dry

A pay-per-session gym, Weight a Minute

More details are slowly being released about the controversial health care reform bill passed (though not as slowly as HMOs, or Horrible Medical Operations, consent to pay for your procedures). For instance, it will be illegal to keep your tonsils and abortions are mandatory. We’ve obtained a copy of the list of physicians citizens are approved to visit under President Obama’s legislation, so turn your head, cough and have a look:

Psychiatrists: Dr. Katz, Dr. Mindbender, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Marvin Monroe

Homeopathic medicine: Dr. Quinn

Sports medicine: Doc Rivers, Doc Gooden, Dr. J, Dr. Dunkenstein (despite his name and profession, surprisingly not Jewish)

Limbs specialist: Dr. Octopus

Veterinarians: Dr. Doolittle, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Robotnik

Podiatrists: Doc Martens, Dr. Scholl’s

Family physician: Dr. Julius Hibbert (discount family physician/dietitian: Dr. Nick Riviera)

Pediatrician (by default of being a kid): Doogie Howser, M.D.

ENTs (ear, nose and throat): Dr. Horrible, Dr. Demento, Dr. Dre, The Spin Doctors

General practitioner: Rex Morgan, M.D.

Pharmacist: Dr. Feelgood

Dermatologist: Dr. Doom

Good news, everyone! Dr. Zoidberg didn't make the list.

The rest (please note that, like a Roomba or a condom, the doctors from this group are to be used at your own risk and have a good chance of doing nothing):

Doc Brown

Dr. Strangelove

Doc Hollywood

Dr. No

Dr. Wily

Dr. Moreau

Dr. Pepper

Dr. Evil

Doctor Who

Dr. Zhivago

Add another notch on the bed post of life fucking with my head. I’ve aged to the point of grandpa status by 27, certain of which because the drinking game of “bros icing bros” completely baffles me.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, and FSM bless you, it’s pretty simple (being a drinking game, after all, it doesn’t always cater to the upper echelons of society). You challenge a “bro” to pull a captain morgan like stance and chug a Smirnoff ice. He can counter with a Smirnoff of his own and force you to drink both. That’s it.

I put “bros” in quotes because it’s quite important to emphasize the masculinity of this game. A dude approaches you, buys you a drink (a very manly malt beverage, mind you) and tells you to get down on one knee and drink it dry, retaliating with forcing two down your throat if he’s got one of his own. And yet I’m called the fag for not participating. I just wish there was room in that six pack for a case of irony.

The first time I’d heard about it, I thought it was a throw back to “a galaxy far, far away”. What’s more classic an example of bros icing bros that Han Solo rolling up on a Tauntaun and saving Luke’s frozen ass on Hoth? Sure, there are implications of neither the force, Hoth, nor Tautauns actually existing, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope. This is what I think about every morning on the bus when trying to leverage Jedi powers to control the avalanche of flab from the lady next to me.

Not wanting to live in a world where the average asshat knows more than me, I did a little research on the origins of the subject. For those curious enough themselves, a history of bros icing bros.

Icing a bro hasn’t been this bad since the sinking of the Titanic.

bros licing bros, 60 million years ago - Covered in fleas after crawling out of caves, you’re not going to pick up some sweet monkey tail without looking your best. This also coincides with the first bros acting as wingmen for the greater good (namely, getting some).

…slicing bros, 667 A.D. - Ninjas become a staple of Japanese feudal culture. Dressing in black and cutting up some son of a bitch for messing with your geisha is all the rage. Hard to keep being bros after catching a shuriken to the face, though.

…spicing bros, 1492 A.D. - One of the first American bros, Columbus starts cruising around the world under the guise of finding a trade route to India. In reality, he’s looking for a little strange on the side. “Spicing a bro” involves dropping some crazy ass herbs into their beer when not looking. Believed to be seriously uncool wasting a drink, he instead opts for just shooting the indigenous people and giving them several plague-lined blankets.

…Miami Vicing bros, 1984 A.D. - Two dudes fighting crime and picking up chicks on the beach, all while rocking a perm. Wearing pink t-shirts under blazers with rolled up sleeves will never be in fashion again. Somewhere in the distance, Billy Zabka quietly sheds a tear.

…Fisher-Pricing bros, 1987 A.D. - Power Wheels crashes hit an all time high. As numbers of GI Joe related fatalities hit epidemic proportions, playground teachers begin to crack down on apple juicing and driving.

…prosthetic devicing bros, 1993 A.D. - Inspired by the motion film “The Fugitive”, bros can drink another bro’s beer and then blame it on “the one armed man”. Harrison Ford makes another mention, suspiciously enough. Either I’ve got a huge man/nerd crush on him or he’s part of some sort of Illuminati of Icing. Or both?

…Heidi Fleissing bros, 1994 A.D. - Sending prostitutes out to friends becomes hilariously sexist. The fad ends just as fast as it begins when herpes sores around your mouth make it much harder to drink and still look cool.

…Italian icing bros, 1997 A.D. - As 7-11 Slurpees begin to fade away, Italian Ices fill the void. The resulting brain freezes will not be able to distract us from just how terrible Batman and Robin is. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s role as Mr. Freeze will set back icing bros for another 13 years.

…icing bros, 2010 A.D. - Slightly less homo-erotic that offering your bros a Mike’s Hard lemonade (bros hardening bros), several websites and youtube clips will make this a global trend. Smirnoff is just surprised as anyone that someone is actually drinking their crappy alcoholic beverage.

…gene splicing bros, 2099 A.D. - Future technology will enhance our abilities to get wickedly smashed as fast as possible, but science can only take us so far as the “douche gene” has yet to be unlocked. Smifnoff ices will also become the currency, the “douche-mark”.

The New York Knicks know the only way to strengthen their sorry squad is to make a move for the best player in the NBA, LeBron James, who as of today, is free to sign with any team in the league. Their bid will have to be historically high and consist of more than enlisting celebrities to beg for his services. Who needs Chicago’s young point guard Derrick Rose, when you can hang out with PBS talk show host Charlie Rose? Maybe LeBron will mistake Alec Baldwin for a bloated Pat Riley and think he’s signing with Miami. When your trump card is Trump, it’s time to rethink your recruiting strategy.  Although the Knicks have so much money that they could replace the chalk he throws into the air before games with cocaine should James request it, cash alone won’t be enough. Here’s how to lead LeBron down the Madison Square Garden path (bonus: all suggestions are Spike Lee-free).

Rename at least one of the five boroughs. Hello, LeBronx. Long Island will be known as 6’8″ Island.

Since LeBron is basketball’s savior, print a new King James version of bible, containing his exploits. After all, LeBron, just like Jesus, has a killer crossover. And on the seventh day, he rested…because he was coming off back-to-back games. He can’t walk on water, but he can walk on Gatorade — and also walk on the court and not get called for traveling (truly, a modern miracle).

Put a James jersey on Lady Liberty because New York carries a torch for LeBron.

Have him dunk the bell on the NYSE to open the day’s trading, sparking a new strategy on Wall Street: sell high, jump high. Use the footage for a new Nike ad with the slogan: Just Dow It.

Turn the ‘L’ train into the ‘LB.’ It should run more smoothly afterward, though it’ll still stink of B.O. just as much.

All Broadway productions of Les Mis, will become Le Bron, with a new song, “I Dreamed a Dream Team.” Make most plays basketball-themed, like Phantom of the Hoopra, about a masked player who is a ghost of his former self (starring Richard Hamilton), and Waiting for Good Dough, in which NBA free agents sit around anticipating the arrival of team representatives wooing them (spoiler: no one ever comes for Tracy McGrady and Richard Jefferson). Cats will be about the Charlotte Bobcats and, just like the team, will be terrible.

Convert Carnegie Hall into a practice gym and relabel it Carnegie Ball, putting the ‘net’ in “clarinet.”

Let him be the designated hitter for the Yankees. Fans need to know if he’s better than Jordan at other sports, too.