Do soccer fans really wonder why more people don’t watch their sport when we listen to shit like the vuvuzela for 90 straight minutes? There’s backlash on both ends – those ends being people in South Africa on one side and everyone else in the god damned world on the other. Hometown devotees see it as a rally horn, just like the noisemakers that assholes in the US use during sporting events. Defenders cling to the belief that it’s a long standing tradition that shouldn’t be banned simply because some whiny jackasses roll into town and demand everything be changed to suit them.

Apparently these critics have also never been on the internet, notably any web site based in the US. It is a world where literally everything you do is wrong. It is not a safe place.

In all fairness, I haven’t seen a full soccer game since I was in a peewee league when I was 7. Even then, I got booted in the head a lot, so that might explain the headaches every time someone mentions a free kick on the goalie. If we’re going to claim this a tradition, this monstrosity that is scarcely a decade old and simulates fellating a gigantic bee, there are a few soccer customs I’d like to incorporate into FIFA play as well.

Fun Fact: Vuvuzelas are made from the dried out husks of Snork heads

The Calm before the Horn – Before blowing on your vuvuzela, you must funnel a PBR. That’s a tradition back in America – getting soused up on crappy light beer. Only two things can happen after that – you drink ’til you’re physically incapable of blowing those or you choke on your vomit and die. Frankly, both are winners in my book.

He-mandates – After every goal, the striker needs to shout out “By the power of greyskull, I HAVE THE POWER!”. Bonus points for turning your mid field into Battlecat when you do it.

Tie goes to the punner – This bullshit where no one scores has gotta stop. The end of game “shootouts” are now decided not with shots on goal but shots on each other. Incorporate paintball into the game where last team standing is determined winner. I bet you’ll start regretting those little shorts now too.

Red card for the crimson wave – I don’t understand how soccer fans can be some of the craziest bastards in sports (outside of Rugby players, those dudes don’t fuck around) and yet their players are the biggest bunch of little bitches. Now I know why they call them “periods” – all the players are apparently crying because they’re on the rag the entire game. Should a player be found to flop, they have to hang a tampon around their neck for the rest of the game.

Rally Monkey – I get why South Africans feel the need to act like assholes (trust me, I live in NYC) and cheering on your team is an integral part of sports. What you need is not obnoxious fans (you’ve got them in spades) but insufferable corporate mascots to direct your opposing hatred towards. I say we export our greatest resource – douchebag marketing execs – out to the world to focus test or market research or whatever the hell it is they call bullshitting with their thumbs up their asses in order to come up with the most obnoxious animal in the world. Of course, the answer is Perez Hilton, but we can kill two birds with one stone by dumping a few db’s along the way.

– Should none of the above work, we must retaliate in kind. They come at us with a knife, we don’t just hit back with a gun; we plan a tactical nuclear strike. The new official song for soccer is Kevin Federline’s PoPoZao. I can only hope our children’s children can forgive us someday.

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