Just like with Julia Roberts, I’ve tolerated Mother Nature for years, even though I actually can’t stand her. When I make this admission, people tend to react with anger. “How can you hate things as wholesome and universally liked as those, are you a monster?” To which I respond, “First, I’m more of a mutant. Second, I’m upset Ms. Roberts never read my scripts, Confessions of a Dangerous Mime, about a murderous Marcel Marceau, and Rotting Hill, a zombie rom-com. And third, Mother Nature is kind of a bitch, with her assortment of brush fires, hurricanes, sand storms and earthquakes she unleashes on us defenseless humans.”  This time, Mother Nature went too far, damaging my car in a storm, so I’m ending my relationship with her. I mean, she’s not even my real mother! She didn’t raise me. To exact my revenge, I’m going to use the Seagal classic, On Deadly Ground, as a guideline. Only I’m going to do the exact opposite. Going against the actions of Segal isn’t a strategy I’d recommend, but desperate times call for desperate measures. For instance, when the cashier at the grocery store asks if I want paper of plastic, I’ll say, “Both” because using two different types of bags works best when suffocating a California condor. Here are some other schemes to lay waste to the Western Hemisphere’s wilderness.

This pic was taken moments after the accident (I’m on the left, Will’s to the right), right before my Final Fight on Mother Nature started.

Waging a hole-y war. Call me a traditionalist, but I like to begin battles the 13th-century way. Grand Canyon, meet my collection of cannons. This assault on Arizona will give John McCain an opportunity to dust off his musket and go out in a blaze of glory like he’s always wanted to (it’s a bonus that I’m brown).

Mounting an offensive. The Rocky Mountains will be carved to feature the face of the fictional boxer from every film, except the fifth. The Grand Teton range will be sculpted into the image of Mr. T. Fools who don’t visit a mountain with a mohhawk will be pitied.

Peeing in the National Parks. Nature called me collect and stuck me with the charges, so I”m returning the call of nature. This is a turf war and I plan to Marc my territory. Yellowstone is going to be a lot yellower by the time I’m through with it.

Foiling the foliage. I’ll tear down tropical trees and open a series of strip clubs — Jungle Fever, Junk in the Trunk, Stumps ‘N Humps and Toucan’s Cans — are a few possible names. Where there used to be rain forests, they’ll be people making it rain.

Dewing damage. Soda will be substituted for water, as the Red River will become the Mountain Dew Code Red River, rotting the soil even more rapidly than it rots teeth. This extreme idea will lead to ex-streams.

Joining forces with BP. This is the most radical action I can take, but also the one that will require the least effort from me, since BP seems content to due the heavy lifting. I can ruin a river, but they have the resources to contaminate an entire ocean. With our combined contempt for Mother Nature we should be able to take her down once and for all.

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