It’s time again for the World Cup, the most important quadrennial event — right after the Presidential election, Leap Year, the Summer and Winter Olympics, and Family Feud changing hosts (for 2010 it’s Steve Harvey. Was Sinbad not available?). Although our ignorance of soccer, or “badminton” as it is known throughout the rest of the world, is so immense that we think a header is what’s at the top of this post and a sweeper is person with a broom, we still managed to put together a preview for the sports spectacle that the world passionately embraces in a full-body hug, yet the U.S. gives a halfhearted nod to from a comfortable distance. Could this be the year when we make physical contact and give the global game a respectful fist bump?

The keeper can let in ghouls, but not goals.

United States. The team is staying on a 100-year-old farm, presumably because in Johannesburg it is the equivalent of a 5-star hotel. South Africa’s version of the Double Tree is a hammock tied to two trunks. This group is clearly concerned with seeding, just not the ranking type. With the talent of Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey, plus their newfound agricultural acumen, this team has the potential to thrill and till.

France. With Zinedine Zidane retired, France will be short on leadership and headbutts. His absence will be felt, as the list of tough Frenchman is short: Napoleon, Andre the Giant and Zidane.

Netherlands. The Netherlands have been disqualified from play, after the entire team tested positive for every narcotic known to exist.

Greece. To try to pay off its enormous national debt, Greece has agreed for the duration of the tournament to be known as “Universal Pictures’ Get Him to the Greek — in theatres now!” (a new mega marketing technique dubbed “re-Russell Branding”) and let P. Diddy be its coach. Prepare for him to mix up, then re-mix, the roster.

England. David Beckham, who convinced Americans soccer is worth watching about as well as his wife convinced us her singing is worth listening to, isn’t suiting up. England’s coach has banned his players from having sex — no ifs ands or butts. To put striker Wayne Rooney’s popularity in perspective for all of our senior citizen readers, he’s a bigger star than Andy Rooney and Mickey Rooney combined.

Argentina. Their coach, the legendary Diego Maradona, is already the talk of the tournament, after causing a commode-tion demanding special toilets and vowing to run naked if his team is crowned the champs. Suddenly, the phrase “winning streak” has a whole new meaning. Maybe he should  promise to do so if they lose instead or go the Major League route and have players remove a piece of clothing on a cardboard cutout of him after every victory. Let’s hope a team exposes Argentina’s weaknesses before the coach can expose himself.

Ivory Coast. The coast is no longer clear, as their best player, Dider Drogba is likely out with a broken arm, meaning its chances for contention are slipping away like a wet bar of Ivory soap. The good news is, for once, the ivory in danger isn’t part of an elephant.

Slovakia and Slovenia. The WilyKit and WilyKat of the soccer world*. Pay them no mind and they’ll go away.

*Serbia is Snarf and we’ll be pronouncing Argentina’s Lionel Messi as “Lion-O.” Turns out, soccer can be interesting when you draw parallels to 80s cartoons. Hmm..now which club is most like Robotech?

Italy. The nation has always been a soccer powerhouse, probably because it is shaped like a boot. Much like Russia is a gymnastics great because it is shaped like a pommel horse.

Chile. This is not the place you go gorge on cheap ribs and sip strawberry daiquiris occasionally. That’s Chili’s. This is a country in South America. When it comes to soccer or dining, neither is considered a favorite.

South Africa. Proper soccer etiquette states that the host country should lose graciously (keeping the number of injuries faked to a minimum), formally introduce nations that haven’t met (Algeria will be doing a lot of hand-shaking) and make sure everyone has enough to drink, but not too much. That last duty could be challenging with Australia around.

Honduras. Government employees are being given time off to watch the matches. And here bosses bitch when you fill out the NCAA bracket on company time. Almost makes you want to move to a third-world country – until you realize they don’t have a Chili’s.

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