Two weekends ago, Steve Jobs carried on a heated email exchange with a blogger from Gawker on the supposed revolution of the iPad and what it means to the future of technology. This discord has become so popular even mainstream media sites like CNN have picked up on it. The last time an internet flame war was covered by major news organizations we were discussing the power struggle on whether Charles was in charge or if it was Tony Danza who is really the boss.

We too had some words with Mr. Apple himself this recent Saturday night without much fuss, fanfare, or foofaraw (fo’ sho’). Since you won’t be seeing much of it anywhere else, we decided to let our loyal fanbase in on our own little spat via email.

“And with the press of a button, we sue your punk ass.”

Mr. Jobs,
I was watching an iPad commercial during SNL and thought “Man, I’d love to see Betty White getting all freaky deaky on this new bad boy”. What’s the deal? Also, I had to sell a kidney to buy one. Where’s the nearest black market I can hock it? I bet there’s an app for that on the iPad. Catch 22, eh?
-The fellas at Concentrated Awesome

Constipated Sloth-some,
I’ve specifically laid out our products to be “free from porn”. By freedom, I of course mean you pay me more money and it does less. As for your query on the black market, I’m afraid I’m only in the buying vital organs trade, not selling. I got a liver guy though, if you ever need a hook up. You’ll have to excuse the brevity of this email, as I’m currently getting “Mac-head”. And you thought that term was just for Apple enthusiasts.
-Steve Jobs

Steve McQueen,
Damn I need to get me some minions. Hey, ever wonder what life would have been like if you picked up the nickname “Blue” somewhere along the way? People would have to address you as Blue Jobs. Read that really fast. Get it? Ooh, do you have one of those things like in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where they shrink the chocolate bar and send it over the TV? I bet you do, except it’s in reverse. That’s how you make iPads, right? I cracked the code!
-Concentrated Awesome

Concubine Slalom,
I assure you when developing the next wave of computers our creative team does more than watch hours of classic childhood movies for our ideas like some drug addled miscreant. That’s for our patchouli reeking fanbase to do, while they justify a $1000 computer purchase to write blog posts about poverty in third world nations. We have invented the means by which to dispose of Billy Zabka in all his forms, though, The de-douchefier ray. We tested it out in a Starbucks, closed it down within 10 minutes. Take that, Bill Gates, with your “humanitarian efforts”.
-Steve Jobs

Blue,
I hear you. Hey, I was wondering, when you sent your gestapo (excuse me, iGestapo) out to break down the door of a blogger who “stole your property”, specifically the 4th gen iPhone, did you back them up with S.W.A.T.? You know how those nerds are, all muscle headed roid addicts. Wouldn’t be surprised. Next time, you need to go in all ninja-style and break in yourself. You’ve got the black turtleneck, you’re half way there.
-Concentrated Awesome

Menstruating Talcum,
I know Kung Fu. Fuck Keanu Reeves. We actually do have a new product planned for downloading info directly into your cerebellum. Slight defect, our test subjects have experienced minor headaches, sometimes followed by a few cases of “head asplosion”. You know that fucked up scene in Scanners? Try watching a room of ‘em pop off like firecrackers on the Fourth! Which reminds me, we’re planning to buy that holiday in time for our 4th gen iPhone. We’re hoping to restore your liberties on a monthly subscription plan. This exchange has been fun, but we’re planning on streaking the Microsoft campus, so I must be off.
-SJ

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 1st, 2010 at 10:21 am and is filed under headlines. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.