We all know where this blog is heading. We’re not going be world famous trillionaires by relying on our good looks alone. I’ll pause for laughter.

If you really want something, you gotta take it. That’s right, our plans for world domination are beginning to come to fruition, ripening on the vine and ready for the plucking. Madness you say? Well, we have had our share of failures in the past, most notably:

• Our attempts to weaponize a whoopie cushion proved short sighted when we underestimated just how fat the average American’s ass is.
• The floating city of taco battleships (the Tortilla Flotilla) seemed plausible with the nacho cannons until we can to realize how delicious our own fleet was and sank ourselves during a drunken 3am bender.
• Our premature support after mistakenly assuming the furniture from PeeWee’s Playhouse was starting a revolt, housing their headquarters at a nearby Sears, and burning down a Bed, Bath and Beyond for their “hedonistic ways”

Of course you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. We”ve gone down the road not taken several times only to end up lost in those deep woods. That is, until we came across the key to securing our foothold in the totalitarian regime that will lead us to victory – monkeys. They are an untapped resource, a force of nature that only needs focus. I aim to be such. Here now: my chimp corps, my baboon battalion, the ape-pocalyptic army!

The only thing that can stop us is an unlimited supply of bananas or an over budget Peter Jackson flick.

1. Koko (Communications Officer) – She’s the brains and the beauty of the group. May only be able to spell “poop” and “happy monkey” but it’s good enough for me.
2. This asshole monkey (Minister of Prank Monkery) – I have no idea where he comes from or how to find him. All I know is he’s clearly a ninja monkey and must work for me.
3. King Kong (The Muscle) – Keep him away from any tall skyscrappers and attractive blondes and he’ll be a serious asset on the front lines. Shipping a 50-ft tall gorilla from a remote tropical island may prove costly, though. He might be upset with taking coach, but that rage will only fuel his destruction.
4. Furious George (Hand to Hand to Tail Combat Expert) – One hell of a knife fighter; if you’ve seen a furry mammal fling a pile of poo better, I’d be shocked.
5. Donkey Kong (Weapons and Demolition) – While useful with a barrel, DK has been known to throw the occasional red shell every now and then as well. He also comes in handy against any italian plumbers that may get in the way.
6. Gorilla Grodd (Military tactician) – Any primate that can tangle with the likes of The Flash and Superman has a place in my army. Telepathy and super strength are a serious upper hand among my enemies but his primary motivation is to destroy humanity, so he may prove a bit of a liability.
7. Dr. Zaius (Medical Officer) – The Bones to my Kirk, no man goes into battle expecting to get hurt, but it happens. I’ll have to stop calling him a damn, dirty ape.
8. Professor Monkey for a Head (Head [no pun intended] of R&D) – While technically not 100% ape, seems close enough for me. Evil scientists are always necessary for global conquest.

Notably absent: The Monkees (“So Happy Together” is not the anthem for mass destruction), Magilla Gorilla (Gorilla for sale? I’m starting an army, not a bordello), Curious George (same reason, different kind of bordello, if you know what I mean), Gleek (Worst. Superfriend. Ever.)

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