Now that Ben Rapelisberger has been suspended for bathroom behavior that would make even Larry Craig blush (and, in an even bigger shot to his ego, he’s been stripped of his smoked meat snack sponsorship, the kind of macho endorsement that separates the stars from the scrubs*), the NFL is ready to move past the bad publicity and focus on the league’s 2010 draft tonight at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. The draft last three days and spans seven rounds (still not as long as most events in RCMH — have you ever seen a performance of The Nutcracker put on by people past the third grade?), but we don’t have time to break down all that (we have bottle cap collections to bolster), so we’re covering as high as we can count: the top ten picks. * Ben’s teammate, safety Troy Polamalu, is the exception, schilling for shampoo, yet still seeming studly.
Any team that needs a kicker should take a Rockette to get a leg up on the competition.
1. St. Louis: Ndamukong Suh, defensive tackle. The Rams should probably draft a quarterback, since their projected starter is more famous for being hitched to a cute soccer player than his passing ability (he’s the Posh Spice to her Beckham). However, Suh was so impressive in his team workout that he straightened out the Gateway Arch and threatened to not bend it back unless the team drafted him (his other demand: native son Nelly must create a dance for him that catches on in the clubs). Part of his name is ‘kong,’ so the guy’s guaranteed to be a beast — especially if the NFL changes the rules to allow barrel-throwing.
2. Detroit: Trade with Washington for future considerations (aka bailouts), a bus pass and two weeks worth of groceries. Detroit, due to the dwindling population, is shuttering entire sections of the city. Might we suggest the next portion to be abandoned includes the stadium, Ford Field (an ironic name, since the Lions can’t sustain a drive)? In ranking the calamaties closely associated with the car maker, the Lions are only behind the Edsel and the Pinto.
3. Tampa Bay: Sam Bradford, quarterback. There are some concerns, as Bradford played in only two games last year after injuring his throwing shoulder. Even if Bradford doesn’t develop into a franchise quarterback, the Bucs plan to pick up a copy of Avatar, so at least the day’s acquisitions won’t be a total waste.
4. Washington: Russell Okung, offensive tackle. The city has embraced the “too big to fail” philosophy to such an extent that it selects the 6’5″, 305-pound Okung, who’ll help the Redskins run the “Health Care Bill” offense –ramming it down opponents’ throats.
5. Kansas City: Gerald McCoy, defensive tackle. Chiefs fans want to know if he’s the real McCoy and, more importantly, whether he can prepare a flavorful dry rub — a requirement for entrance into the city (they’ll ship him straight to Carolina if he can’t).
6. Seattle: Jason Pierre-Paul, defensive end. Seattle’s the only NFL city where you won’t get made fun of for having a hyphenated name that sounds like you should be styling hair, not attempting to sack the quarterback.
7. Cleveland: LeBron James, forward. This is the city’s backup plan to ensure he doesn’t leave as a free agent after the season (also on the table: putting him in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next to Rick James in a “Superfreaks” showcase). To persuade James to play football, the Browns are asking the NFL to consider an alternate two-point conversion: dunking through the uprights.
8. Oakland: Myron Rolle, safety. Al Davis, the Dennis Hopper of owners, is always willing to try something risky, so he’ll Rolle the dice here on the Rhodes Scholar who spent a year away from football. We’re sure Rolle, who studied medical anthropology at Oxford, would be fascinated to examine the variety of disorders that cause people to root for the Raiders.
9. Buffalo: Dez Bryant, wide receiver. Bryant, who was suspended for most of last season for lying about his contact with former pro Deion Sanders, already experienced a fall from grace, now he can experience Niagara Falls. The brash Bryant won’t have to worry about visitors distracting him when he’s playing in the Siberia of American sports cities — aka Toronto’s bitch (a card of condolence from T.O. is the most he can expect). Buffalo could use something that flashes, besides traffic lights.
10. Jacksonville: Tim Tebow, quarterback. Many experts think it’s a stretch to take him this high, but those who follow the sport closely know that whoever prays the hardest to the Lord prior to a football game is guaranteed to win (the Bible is the only playbook you need) and Tebow is God’s golden boy (with Notre Dame’s Golden Tate a distant second). He’s so pure he makes the Pope look like Warren Beatty and the Virgin Mary look like Tila Tequila. If Tebow’s not selected here, the Saints will surely scoop him up with the final pick in the first round (although the only beads he’ll give out at Mardi Gras will be rosaries).
