Cuban Set to Sign Refs

Upset over his team’s early exit from the playoffs, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has come up with a new strategy that he thinks will help his team win in the postseason: adding referees to his roster. Cuban believes the officiating was partly to blame for the Mavericks, ranked second in the Western Conference, falling to the seventh-seeded San Antonio Spurs in the first round Thursday night. Cuban, who in the past has been very vocal and critical of NBA officiating, contended the Spurs received more calls in their favor, especially when playing at home. Last year, Dallas defeated their in-state rivals and many expected the Mavericks to advance deep into the playoffs, especially after a mid-season trade for forward Caron Butler.

In a highly-anticipated offseason in which some of the league’s best players will be available as free agents — such as Cleveland’s LeBron James, Chicago’s Dwyane Wade and Toronto’s Chris Bosh — Cuban will eschew pursuing a prominent player and instead make offers to a few of the NBA’s top referees.

Cuban's found a way to "fix" his team.

“For years, we’ve tried to acquire better players, in hopes of getting past these refs. Looking back, it was foolish. This isn’t baseball, you can’t buy a title. At least not with players. The solution was staring me in the face the whole time: get the guys that make the calls. Players only have so much control over the outcome.”

Cuban declined to name his top candidates, but sources say at the top of his list are: Dick Bavetta, Bennette Salvatore and Joe Crawford. He might also look at Steve Javie and Eddie Rush. All of these officials have been in the league for at least two decades, so it seems Cuban’s preference is for a seasoned crew.

While some worry that yet another move could be harmful to the team’s chemistry, Cuban clarified that the core of his current roster won’t change. “It takes a three-man crew to officiate a game. So all I’m looking to add is three guys. Maybe a fourth if we can move [center Erick] Dampier’s contract.”

Additionally, Cuban doesn’t think it will be a big adjustment for the players he does retain to step onto the court with their new teammates. “Jason [Kidd] and Dirk [Nowitzki] are veterans. Initially, there might be some confusion about who they should complain to after they miss a shot, but I expect them to adapt quickly.”

In fact, Cuban sees only advantages to having the refs and players suit up together. “It’s going to cut down on our turnovers. Traveling calls will be a thing of the past. It’ll be like having a team full of Michael Jordans,” said Cuban, referring to the retired superstar who was never called for taking too many steps.

Cuban concedes there might even be unexpected perks. “If at the end of the game we really need a timeout, but we don’t technically have any left — who knows — we just might be granted one.”

If Cuban does go forth with his plan and it works, no one is sure what the league’s response will be. Will the refs on the Mavericks still be considered refs or will they be regarded as players? Either way, Cuban is prepared. “Even if they [the NBA] send a crew, who are the refs likely to side with? Their peers — other refs. It’s human nature. I’m looking to exploit their bias — and I’m willing to pay good money,” he added.

Cuban’s strategy is unconventional and likely to find its share of detractors, but he is convinced it is the right method. “I’m simply applying the old saying, ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Only I’m having them join us.”

When asked if his tactic might be considered cheating, Cuban replied, “That’s for the refs to decide.”

We all know where this blog is heading. We’re not going be world famous trillionaires by relying on our good looks alone. I’ll pause for laughter.

If you really want something, you gotta take it. That’s right, our plans for world domination are beginning to come to fruition, ripening on the vine and ready for the plucking. Madness you say? Well, we have had our share of failures in the past, most notably:

• Our attempts to weaponize a whoopie cushion proved short sighted when we underestimated just how fat the average American’s ass is.
• The floating city of taco battleships (the Tortilla Flotilla) seemed plausible with the nacho cannons until we can to realize how delicious our own fleet was and sank ourselves during a drunken 3am bender.
• Our premature support after mistakenly assuming the furniture from PeeWee’s Playhouse was starting a revolt, housing their headquarters at a nearby Sears, and burning down a Bed, Bath and Beyond for their “hedonistic ways”

Of course you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. We”ve gone down the road not taken several times only to end up lost in those deep woods. That is, until we came across the key to securing our foothold in the totalitarian regime that will lead us to victory – monkeys. They are an untapped resource, a force of nature that only needs focus. I aim to be such. Here now: my chimp corps, my baboon battalion, the ape-pocalyptic army!

The only thing that can stop us is an unlimited supply of bananas or an over budget Peter Jackson flick.

1. Koko (Communications Officer) – She’s the brains and the beauty of the group. May only be able to spell “poop” and “happy monkey” but it’s good enough for me.
2. This asshole monkey (Minister of Prank Monkery) – I have no idea where he comes from or how to find him. All I know is he’s clearly a ninja monkey and must work for me.
3. King Kong (The Muscle) – Keep him away from any tall skyscrappers and attractive blondes and he’ll be a serious asset on the front lines. Shipping a 50-ft tall gorilla from a remote tropical island may prove costly, though. He might be upset with taking coach, but that rage will only fuel his destruction.
4. Furious George (Hand to Hand to Tail Combat Expert) – One hell of a knife fighter; if you’ve seen a furry mammal fling a pile of poo better, I’d be shocked.
5. Donkey Kong (Weapons and Demolition) – While useful with a barrel, DK has been known to throw the occasional red shell every now and then as well. He also comes in handy against any italian plumbers that may get in the way.
6. Gorilla Grodd (Military tactician) – Any primate that can tangle with the likes of The Flash and Superman has a place in my army. Telepathy and super strength are a serious upper hand among my enemies but his primary motivation is to destroy humanity, so he may prove a bit of a liability.
7. Dr. Zaius (Medical Officer) – The Bones to my Kirk, no man goes into battle expecting to get hurt, but it happens. I’ll have to stop calling him a damn, dirty ape.
8. Professor Monkey for a Head (Head [no pun intended] of R&D) – While technically not 100% ape, seems close enough for me. Evil scientists are always necessary for global conquest.

Notably absent: The Monkees (“So Happy Together” is not the anthem for mass destruction), Magilla Gorilla (Gorilla for sale? I’m starting an army, not a bordello), Curious George (same reason, different kind of bordello, if you know what I mean), Gleek (Worst. Superfriend. Ever.)

Now that Ben Rapelisberger has been suspended for bathroom behavior that would make even Larry Craig blush (and, in an even bigger shot to his ego, he’s been stripped of his smoked meat snack sponsorship, the kind of macho endorsement that separates the stars from the scrubs*), the NFL is ready to move past the bad publicity and focus on the league’s 2010 draft tonight at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. The draft last three days and spans seven rounds (still not as long as most events in RCMH — have you ever seen a performance of The Nutcracker put on by people past the third grade?), but we don’t have time to break down all that (we have bottle cap collections to bolster), so we’re covering as high as we can count: the top ten picks. * Ben’s teammate, safety Troy Polamalu, is the exception, schilling for shampoo, yet still seeming studly.

Any team that needs a kicker should take a Rockette to get a leg up on the competition.

1. St. Louis: Ndamukong Suh, defensive tackle. The Rams should probably draft a quarterback, since their projected starter is more famous for being hitched to a cute soccer player than his passing ability (he’s the Posh Spice to her Beckham). However, Suh was so impressive in his team workout that he straightened out the Gateway Arch and threatened to not bend it back unless the team drafted him (his other demand: native son Nelly must create a dance for him that catches on in the clubs). Part of his name is ‘kong,’ so the guy’s guaranteed to be a beast — especially if the NFL changes the rules to allow barrel-throwing.

2. Detroit: Trade with Washington for future considerations (aka bailouts), a bus pass and two weeks worth of groceries. Detroit, due to the dwindling population, is shuttering entire sections of the city. Might we suggest the next portion to be abandoned includes the stadium, Ford Field (an ironic name, since the Lions can’t sustain a drive)? In ranking the calamaties closely associated with the car maker, the Lions are only behind the Edsel and the Pinto.

3. Tampa Bay: Sam Bradford, quarterback. There are some concerns, as Bradford played in only two games last year after injuring his throwing shoulder. Even if Bradford doesn’t develop into a franchise quarterback, the Bucs plan to pick up a copy of Avatar, so at least the day’s acquisitions won’t be a total waste.

4. Washington: Russell Okung, offensive tackle. The city has embraced the “too big to fail” philosophy to such an extent that it selects the 6’5″, 305-pound Okung, who’ll help the Redskins run the “Health Care Bill” offense –ramming it down opponents’ throats.

5. Kansas City: Gerald McCoy, defensive tackle. Chiefs fans want to know if he’s the real McCoy and, more importantly, whether he can prepare a flavorful dry rub — a requirement for entrance into the city (they’ll ship him straight to Carolina if he can’t).

6. Seattle: Jason Pierre-Paul, defensive end. Seattle’s the only NFL city where you won’t get made fun of for having a hyphenated name that sounds like you should be styling hair, not attempting to sack the quarterback.

7. Cleveland: LeBron James, forward. This is the city’s backup plan to ensure he doesn’t leave as a free agent after the season (also on the table: putting him in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next to Rick James in a “Superfreaks” showcase). To persuade James to play football, the Browns are asking the NFL to consider an alternate two-point conversion: dunking through the uprights.

8. Oakland: Myron Rolle, safety. Al Davis, the Dennis Hopper of owners, is always willing to try something risky, so he’ll Rolle the dice here on the Rhodes Scholar who spent a year away from football. We’re sure Rolle, who studied medical anthropology at Oxford, would be fascinated to examine the variety of disorders that cause people to root for the Raiders.

9. Buffalo: Dez Bryant, wide receiver. Bryant, who was suspended for most of last season for lying about his contact with former pro Deion Sanders, already experienced a fall from grace, now he can experience Niagara Falls. The brash Bryant won’t have to worry about visitors distracting him when he’s playing in the Siberia of American sports cities — aka Toronto’s bitch (a card of condolence from T.O. is the most he can expect). Buffalo could use something that flashes, besides traffic lights.

10. Jacksonville: Tim Tebow, quarterback. Many experts think it’s a stretch to take him this high, but those who follow the sport closely know that whoever prays the hardest to the Lord prior to a football game is guaranteed to win (the Bible is the only playbook you need) and Tebow is God’s golden boy (with Notre Dame’s Golden Tate a distant second). He’s so pure he makes the Pope look like Warren Beatty and the Virgin Mary look like Tila Tequila. If Tebow’s not selected here, the Saints will surely scoop him up with the final pick in the first round (although the only beads he’ll give out at Mardi Gras will be rosaries).

Today is April 15, so we should be talking taxes, but because we’re not Glenn Beck, we won’t prattle on about a subject we have little knowledge or understanding of (this leave us fit to cover three topics: 1. The difference between garlic bread and Texas toast, 2. That one time we think we saw the frontman from Everclear sitting at a cafe we were strolling by, but we’re not totally sure since it was kind of foggy and we were on the opposite side of the street, and 3.Why Geoffrey from the Fresh Prince was a better TV butler than Mr. Belvedere and if believing otherwise makes you racist). Until our Nigerian prince accountant set us straight, we thought the flat-tax proposal would give us regular, rotund folks a break by forcing people with slim stomachs and perfect pecs (abs being the most valuable asset you can own) to pay the most to the government. Under this plan, the country would probably go belly up, starting with Mark Wahlberg declaring bankruptcy (the idea isn’t all bad). Akeem is so helpful, he even explained to us that a pyramid scheme is not a plot to steal Egyptian monuments nor is it a 1970s strategy to become a contestant on a now-defunct game show.

Considering how smart our business partner is, we’re confident our ventures with him will work out really well. Our plans for the money include the usual splurges, like purchasing a tropical island and a Neo Geo, plus some outlandish ones, such as turning the ancient Incan site in Peru into an exhibit for 1980s wrestlers and renaming it Macho Picchu (most of the stones will be replaced by Slim Jims) and rewriting history to teach that World War II’s “Battle of the Bulge” was about denim (the Americans) vs. spandex (the Germans).

The point being, we’ll stick to what we know: pop culture. Some of the news from that field lately has been shocking, like Conan choosing TBS (Ted Turner’s press release read as follows: Score one for the Confederacy! I’m cuckoo for Coco and Braves baseball. That’s why, in addition to his late night duties, Conan will be expected to manage the team after Bobby Cox retires at the end of this season. I trust he knows more about the sport than the old ‘Who’s on first’ routine. I expect Conan to deliver two things: laughter and an NL pennant. Otherwise, I’ll have to give him the old tomahawk chop. Still, I wish the ginger giant luck. If all goes well, CNN will eventually be rebranded as the Conan News Network, unless Anderson Cooper stops slacking and agrees to be on air 23.5 hours per day, instead of the lazy 22-hour workday he puts in now. Snagging Conan makes up for thinking I was buying the Pez candy company when I was actually agreeing to give George Lopez a show. The South shall rise again — out of their seats and applaud! Now, to put the finishing touches on my daytime talk show, Ted Danson with the Stars and prank call Rupert Murdoch.), where his show is certain to be titled Tyler Perry Presents: The Conan O’Brien Show.

Other news has been surprising only because some people still thought it was, like Ricky Martin admitting that he’s gay. The guy from Menudo likes to see men nude? Oh. You thought you had us fooled with “She Bangs,” but I could tell it was a song celebrating your favorite women’s hairstyle, just as I understand “The Cup of Life” was an ode to jock straps. We’ll leave it to you to decide whether these items are odd or ordinary.

We just learned Turbo Tax doesn’t involve him Breakin’ down our finances.

It bears mentioning: Universal has agreed to produce Seth McFarland’s movie about a man and his stuffed animal. Working title: Bill and Teddy’s Excellent Adventure.

Out of eggsile: A Welsh village ended a 47-year ban imposed on Tom Jones who was suspected stealing a chicken during a raffle. Jones believes he was the victim of fowl play.

Kung-fu gripe: An former employee of Steven Seagal has filed a lawsuit claiming he made unwanted sexual advances towards her. Seagal’s lawyer dismiss the allegations as Exit Wounds, adding that the action star is used to being Under Siege.

Taking Aimee: A Twitter feud erupted between Ice-T and Aimee Mann, culminating in the rapper recommending the folk singer “eat a hot bowl of dicks.” (All this time I’ve been mistakenly serving them room temperature, thanks for the tip advice.) Ice-T was scolded by Law & Order: Special Victims Unit producers for giving away plots of upcoming episodes.

Rubber Soul Saved: 40 years after they broke up, The Vatican, through its newspaper, has forgiven the Beatles for their blasphemy and hedonism. The publication retracted its warning that the Abbey Road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

She has much to Showgirls: Elizabeth Berkley is writing a self-help book for young women. Working title: Saved by the Belle.

The Ex-files: Larry King and his seventh wife are getting a divorce. King is nearing his goal of having more former spouses than he does pairs of suspenders.

10 CCs of DeVille: Brett Micheals underwent a sudden and successful appendectomy last week. Unfortunately, a team of surgeons wasn’t able to remove the bandanna that has been stuck to his skill since 1987.

Sixth Cent: In a magazine interview, singer Rufus Wainwright said he is sure 50 Cent is gay. Asked how he can be certain, Wainwright revealed 50 solicited him for a foursome in his “Candy Shop” with Mike & Ike.

Get Bizet: The creators of South Park are writing a Broadway musical about Mormons to debut next year. If it succeeds, they’ll remake a classic opera based on their fat, foul-mouthed character, Cartman.

Like Pele, I have many goals (making outdated soccer references included). I’m a visionary entrepreneur brimming with exceptional ideas, like Thomas Edison or Larry Flynt.

I’d like to open a combination male strip club and psychic parlor, Crystal Balls.

I have plans for a clinic that helps patients cope with baldness, Hair Goes Nothing. If treatment fails, next door will be a wig store, Mane Attraction (if this fails, there’ll be hell toupee).

There’s my speedy veterinary service to spay and neuter pets, Quick Fix.

An amusement park for your eyes, See World (Slogan: We have long lines — of sight!).

I’ve got a series of self-help books for Indians in the works. First, one covering etiquette, Hindus and Don’ts. Then, the positive motivational primer, You Can Hindu It! Finally, the grammar guide, Comma Sutra.

The only drink they won't make you at Bobby Gindal's is a hurricane.

A game show where pro athletes answer questions or get tasered, Shock Jocks (hosted by Jeremy Shockey).

An all-night auto wheel-replacement shop, Tireless.

A furniture store, Sofa So Good.

A pub dedicated to the Governor of Louisiana, Bobby Gindal’s. And if that’s a hit, one for the former Gov. of Massachusetts, Vomitt Romney’s. Arnold ShotsofJager’s will likely never see the light of day.

An equine apparel retailer, Clotheshorse (Pony is one of the top brands).

My thorough history of the porn industry, the Dicktionary and its compendium, Thesoreass.

A reality show where B-List celebs train for a marathon, The Also-Rans (alternate title: The Less Than Amazing Race).

A tandem pharmacy and coffee bar, PillLates. Exercise crazes come and go, but people will always turn to medicine and caffeine.

A plumbing service, Pipe Down.

A shop of oddities, Buy Curious.

An upscale nightclub, Bar F.

A gym and copy center, Fit to Print.

A dietary supplement for followers of Islam, Muslim Fast.

There are few things in life that cause me to openly weep – watching Optimus Prime give up his life spark in Transformers: The Movie (the cartoon, not that Michael Bay abomination), people who classify Twilight with Dawn of the Dead and Army of Darkness in “horror” sections of movie stores, and the end of the Notebook (fuck you, Nicholas Sparks is a literary genius!).

A victory from Duke basketball is surely king of the hill, an odd mix of disgust, rage and depression (very similar to eating at a Denny’s but with fewer strippers with cigarette burns). Yet I can’t seem to turn away, like a train full of puppies careening off a cliff (appropriately enough, they’re playing Butler whose mascot is the Bulldog, though this seems like much more of a massacre).

But a train wreck is still entertainment, and here I am watching. I decided to live blog the game, if not to wash the bitter taste out of my mouth, then hopefully my pain is amusement to the two of you who visit this site.

9:04 – Opening shot of Duke band playing. If they had been playing the Imperial March from Star Wars, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Coach K is openly using force lightning against Butler’s coach Brad Stevens.

9:07 – We’re still only showing opening highlights and yet they insist on showing the Coach K “The refs are only giving us half the calls we bribed them for!” face. Great start.

9:11 – Interviewing Matt Howard of Butler. I’ve seen 45 year old pedophiles hanging around schoolyards that look less creepy with their mustaches.

9:13 – Oh my God, there’s a freak avalanche that just struck the floor! No, wait, my bad, it’s just Duke’s starting line ups.

The only thing that offers any consolation right now.

9:15 – Howard: “Mothers, lock up your daughters! Haha, no really. I’m going to steal them from you in the middle of the night. I have a van full of toys and candy.”

9:22 – The crowd is openly boo-ing Duke as they walk onto the floor. Home town or not, people love to hate Duke.

9:24 – Butler defeated Syracuse, Kansas State AND MSU. I hate that I give myself hope.

9:27 – Suddenly realized I’m wearing Duke blue. Tear off my shirt, burn my close, rub myself with a steel wool pad. The stink of smugness won’t come off!

9:32 – I try to place an early bet on Butler to get them as much positive energy as possible. Vegas openly laughs at me.

9:35 – Butler wins the tip off. This will be the highlight of the game for them.

9:38 – Zoubek is beating up Butler down low so bad I want to call domestic abuse.

9:40 – Realizing that I’m rooting for Butler, a team that crushed Wake in 2001 43-10 in the first half when they played. My hatred for Duke runs deep.

9:45 – CBS’s recap for butler so far is Howard missing 3 shots down low. Your 2009-2010 Butler Bulldogs!

9:49 – Mack hits his second three, 8-7 Duke. I’m cheering like it’s the 1980 Miracle on Ice.

9:50 – Howard picks up a charge against Zoubek. I take back my domestic abuse comment, he’s now the husband who claims in divorce court that HE’S the victim and deserves alimony in compensation.

9:52 – “Zoubek may have gotten away with a walk”. Yeah, and Dick Cheney got away with a little “light” interrogation.

9:59 – “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains”. Pretty apropos right now. Scheyer would be the guy you think is a Hero then suddenly switches to the Villains side in some poorly scripted reality show twist.

10:02 – And my first iPad commercial of the night. Reminds me the joke “Cocaine is God’s way of telling you that you have too much money”. Same can be applied for Macheads and Apple products.

10:04 – Hip Hop commercial for the Census. I don’t get if it lands me in Gitmo, I’m writing “Fuck You” for my name in the form now.

10:07 – “Quality Look off Pseudo-Penetration”. That’s the same maneuver 17 year olds pull when listening to see if their folks are back while fumbling with a girl’s bra.

10:10 – Butler goes on a 7-0 run. I’m about to run naked down the street covered in Jello. Even if Butler wins, everyone else loses.

10:13 – If you saw Cobra Commander in the crowd cheering on Duke, on a scale from 1-10 how much would you be surprised? 0.5? .25? The Plumlee Twins would make an excellent Tomax and Xamot.

10:17 – A couple bullshit calls, but Butler hangs in there for halftime, 33-32.

10:20 – I take a break for halftime. I get sick over the side of my couch, realize my body is not used to rooting for a basketball team that actually wins.

10:22 – Halftime interview with Da’Sean Butler discussing his ACL injury. Why doesn’t CBS just openly aim a target at the Bulldogs’ mascot and get it over with?

10:27 – Commercial for J. Lo in “The backup plan”, exactly what CBS’s audience is looking forward to watching. “I hope you’re enjoying college baskettball, because your wives are dragging you by the balls to this next!”.

10:28 – Duke just broke the record for assholes screaming “Wooo! Numbah 1!!” in a college game. Somewhere on the Jersey Shore, they realize they can’t outdouche a Dukie and get very said. Also, I just learned while typing this that Google Chrome’s spell check accepts “Dukie” and “Dukey”. Even Google is against me.

10:30 – Marc sent me a link explaining how Scheyer used to hate Duke too. Duke University: so smug, we hate ourselves!

10:34 – Back in, Zoubek picks up 2 quick ones in just over a minute. Follows it up with punching Howard in the back like Rocky training on a side of beef and stabs Mack in the leg. Ok, I made that last part up.

10:39 – I’m frozen in place trying to channel any good chi to Butler, like I’m 13 years old again trying to get the right signal for free cable porn. This is getting me way more excited, though.

10:44 – One of the Plumlees (who cares which) imbounds with 1 on the shot clock, Scheyer tips in the miss. Force powers are apparently legal.

10:45 – …and Howard sits down with 4 fouls, 3 points. Way to be there, Pedophile Pete.

10:48 – Nightmare on Elm Street preview – when Duke wins tonight, I’m going to be seeing Coach K with a claw and striped shirt haunt me for the next several hours. I swear, I’m not reverse jinxing. That doesn’t work. Duke’s going to win.

10:50 – Zoubek picks up his third foul. I need any victory I can get at this point.

10:53 – Scheyer steps in front of Hayward and makes the “crying” face as he takes the charge. Refs openly displaying their Blue Devils pins.

10:54 – Zoubek’s 4th! I can do no good on this Earth, only wish evil upon people.

10:55 – I’m looking up Butler hoodies. I don’t care if that’s a fair-weather fan. Luke Skywalker was just some farm boy until he blew up the Death Star.

10:58 – Saw an MSU shirt in the crowd. “That should’ve been me!”. Like a lost little puppy.

11:04 – Butler’s starting to slip, down by 5. Been running for 32 minutes straight, not surprised. Need Zoubek to pick up his fifth.

11:06 – Matt Howard back. I give him 35 seconds before he fouls out or is arrested for stalking a 4th grader.

11:11 – Butler can’t finish. Howard still in. Ewing effect feels like it’s in effect.

11:13 – Howard hits 2 fouls shots, is pulled. Apparently that’s all he had to do tonight.

11:15 – Lance Thomas hammers Hayward. Good solid foul, but he goes down harder than a meth addicated Jenna Jameson.

11:16 – Duke calls a timeout to reset. The Russian is cut!

11:19 – Howard has taken his millionth fade away shot. Exactly what his basketball career is about to do.

11:22 – Visiting my family yesterday for Easter, I casually toss some garbage at the can, rolls off the rim. Without missing a beat my mom says “Nice shot Will, trying out for Wake next year?”. Wake Forest – where even your mothers won’t support your team.

11:24 – Butler hasn’t made a field goal in over 6 minutes. I’m hating Butler more and more by the minute.

11:27 – Asked my girlfriend the molecular oncologist if people have an “evil gene”, tells me it’s blue and white and D shaped. Fortunately, after college it amounts to almost nothing and has no career past. Wait, that’s just JJ Reddick.

11:28 – Rebound, jumbled possesion, Howard underneath! Down by 1! I take everything bad about Howard I said back, even the movie Howard the Duck, Howard Johnson’s and Ron Howard.

11:30 – Singler blows a wide open J at the elbow, off Zoubek’s foot, no shot clock, Butler ball! They can pull it out!

11:31 – 13.6 left, Butler possession, timeout. Still down by 1. I’m either going to curse Butler until my voice is hoarse or praise them as if they were the second coming of Christ.

11:33 – I wonder what Wake’s up to right now? Oh, right.

11:34 – Butler calls the last timeout after the inbound pass starts to fall apart. Is this what it’s like to root for a team that can actually win?

11:35 – Hayward misses the fade away. So very close. Zoubek with 2 shots. Urge to kill rising, along with bile in my throat.

11:38 – Watched the buzzer/brick 5 times in a row. Duke wins. That clank hurts on every replay. I hate basketball. I’m going to cry myself to sleep tonight in my Wake blanket and repeat my mantra “Chris Paul and Tim Duncan!” until I fall asleep.

Lately, I’ve been in more of a funk than George Clinton. But if Stella got her groove back, so can I. The question is: How?

Should I join members of the RNC, who turned donor money into boner money, by visiting a lesbian bondage club? The expense report claims it was for “meals.” What better place to eat out than one where you can watch the staff do so as well? I’m sure they left a generous tip for the “food,”  even bringing it over to the “waitress” and thoughtfully stuffing it down her shirt so she wouldn’t lose the money. Those are some great family values, provided the family has two mommies who love leather. The incident gives a whole new meaning to the title “Minority Whip.”

Should I support the Democrats, who turned a curse into a blessing, by using the President of Profanity Joe Biden’s outburst as a fundraising opportunity? I swear, it’s true.  Here’s my T-shirt idea: (front, with photo of Biden speaking passionately) There are some things you can’t reform. (back) Give ‘em health, Joe. Sizes are large mouth and extra-large mouth. I must confess that when I first heard Biden remark “This is a big fucking deal,” I thought he was referring to the announcement of who will play Captain America in the forthcoming film.

I could create a nude calendar, like these Spanish flight attendants, but I promised myself I’d stop solving my problems that way. If I decide to break my New Year’s resolution and air it out, I have a few possible titles for the calendar: The Cockpit Collection, Takeoffs and Landongs, Airplain, My Jet Set.

In the Bunny Bracket, Quiky wins by a hare.

I could celebrate Easter by having an NCAA-style “Bunny Bracket” to find out who the best rabbit in pop culture is. The final f(o)ur would be: Bugs Bunny, the Quik bunny, Roger Rabbit and the Energizer Bunny. Greg the Bunny was the Northern Iowa, an overachieving lower seed that dashed the hopes of favorite Peter Cottontail. The NIT bound were Bucky O’Hare (peaked in the 90s) and The Velveteen Rabbit (perceived as too soft). In the interest of fairness, Playboy bunnies were excluded from the tournament.

I could complete my made-for-Lifetime script about the collapse of Sandra Bullock’s marriage due to her adulterous husband, entitled, While You Were Sleeping…With Her (and my porn knockoff of her most recent movie, The Blonde Side).

I could complete my thesis on the connection between the rise of Justin Bieber and the decline of the global economy, but I should probably finish my paper on how The Black Eyed Peas caused 9-11. There’s no overlooking that “Let’s Get It Started” was a blatant rallying cry to terrorists.

I could appreciate U.S. laws more. Models who drink beer openly in Malaysia are caned. Here, they are placed on reality shows. Either way, the result is public humiliation.