After the recent 8.8 earthquake hit Chili on Saturday, leader of the 700 club Pat Robertson is the one left shaken, baffled at how God can allow such misery to happen. “I just don’t understand”, the televangelist said. “I believe in a just and righteous Lord to strike down the wicked. I just got through blaming the Haitians for their earthquake and now THIS happens to me. Who’s left to attack at a time like this!? This just isn’t fair.”

The real victim here is Pat Robertson.

“We might need to come up with some new ones. How about Eskimos? Those blubber chewing igloo jockeys have been on easy street for too long.”

Robertson is no stranger to pointing fingers, claiming that 9/11 was because of the abortionists, Katrina the gays and lesbians, and Haitians, he discerned, caused their own misfortune by “being born in Haiti”.

We asked if, as crazy as it sounds, that maybe bad things happen to good people, but the notion was quickly scoffed at. “It’s pretty straightforward. If something bad happens to you, then you must have really deserved it. I’m an old, hateful son of a bitch, but you don’t see anything bad happening to me.”

When asked about his prostate cancer surgery, he deflected. “I let a homosexual doctor put his finger in my rectum. Of course God would punish me. If I never went for that appointment, I would never have received the news I had prostate cancer!”.

Still, Robertson was left grasping at straws for liberal groups to toss under the bus after the most recent tragedy. “It’s at times like these where I turn to the Bible for inspiration. I find comfort that my faith will guide me to an obscure passage I can misinterpret. It’s my blind hatred that gets me through this”, he says.

“How about the Jews? No, we blamed them for the economy last year. The Blacks, of course, stole the White House and every single one of a billion Muslims in the world are just waiting to blow us up, biding their time. The Chileans ARE Hispanic, though, so that’s a good start right there.”

A Telethon is scheduled for later this week with all proceeds going to fund Robertson’s batshit crazy predictions.

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