We think Hammer nailed the interview.
Interviewer: You’re confident. I like that. You’re also the first candidate to answer entirely in rhyme. Moving on. (clears throat) This job requires some time spent on the road. Do you have much experience traveling?
Hammer: I’ve been around the world, from London to Bombay.
Interviewer: Ok, this question is designed to test your vocabulary? If this object (picks up stapler on his desk) is intangible, what can’t you do to it?
Hammer: You can’t touch this. No, you can’t touch this. This is something you can’t touch.
Interviewer: Very good. Times are tough right now. What do you think people need to do just to make it today?
Hammer: Pray.
Interviewer: Alright. An etiquette question for you: Let’s say you’re at a business lunch. You arrive early and are the first one there. The appetizers are already on the table. Is it acceptable to begin eating before your colleagues arrive?
Hammer: I think taking a little of the food is ok. I don’t see anything wrong with sampling. You’d have to be a super freak not to sample. Although my friend Vanilla Ice would tell me not to sample unless I was under pressure.
Interviewer: Has there ever been an instance where you heeded someone’s advice, even though you were reluctant to do so?
Hammer: Yeah, I was about to dance these cats who dissed me into oblivion, make their legs twist up like soft pretzels, but a group of people, who I thought had gathered around to watch, begged me not to. “Please Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em,” they pleaded. They were right. I was acting like a spaz in Zubaz. I realized dancing needs to be constructive, not destructive. I told my therapist at the time about it, and he said, “Hammer, if that situation comes up again, look to your haircut for help. Fade. Let your anger fade.”
Interviewer: Is there any person who has influenced your values or beliefs?
Hammer: Yes. A whole clan, in fact. The Addams family. They’re my neighbors. I really like them.
Interviewer: What is it about them you appreciate?
Hammer: They do what they want to do, say what they want to say, live how they want to live, play how they want to play, dance how they want to dance, kick and then slap a friend. The Addams family. They helped me find my groove.
Interviewer: What sorts of activities do you enjoy when you’re not working?
Hammer: I don’t want to talk about my person life. That’s Hammertime.
Interviewer: Why can’t we discuss Hammertime?
Hammer: Stop.
Interviewer: I don’t see what’s so special about Hammertime–
Hammer: Stop! (long pause) Hammertime is when I look for girls with the pumps and a bump.
Interviewer: Say no more. I also have a thing for pregnant women who think of a good time as helping me remove water from my basement.
Hammer: That’s not what I meant–
Interviewer: Ladies like that are hard to find. Well, that completes the interview. We have a few more candidates we’re bringing in, but you should hear back from us by the end of the week. If you get the job, you won’t even be the only person here at Home Depot with a hip-hop background. Sir-Mix-a-Lot is in the paint department. He’s been great. Really lives up to his name.
Postscript: Hammer is working on a book of advice about choosing a career, entitled, What Color is Your Parachute Pants?
