As startling as this may seem, Will and I occasionally have thoughts. Coherent, insightful, non-Simpsons-related, sober-ish thoughts. Some of them are collected here for you to consider:
Inspired by the auto recall, we’ve created the plot for Speed 3: Keanu is trapped inside a Toyota that can’t decelerate (there’s a bomb strapped to it, of course). Prepare to hear at least a hundred “Whoas” and see him out-acted by a Prius.
Sarah Palin took some heat for having talking points written on one of her hands. Want to know what was scribbled on her other palm? “Go to Staples & buy index cards.”
When it comes to public speaking, Palin could use a hand.
Shaun White doesn’t like his nickname, “The Flying Tomato.” Ok, how about “Carrot Top with a Snowboard Prop?”
We don’t think it’s a coincidence that the holiday celebrating love shares the same initials as the generic term for sexually-transmitted diseases.
Somewhere, while four of Canada’s most famous athletes were lighting the giant columns, Vancouver’s favorite native son, Seth Rogen, was lighting a giant joint.
Since 2010 is the year of the tiger, we expect to see a few 100 million Chinese enroll in sex addiction classes.
President’s Day is a great time to reflect on the accomplishments of two of America’s greatest leaders: George Washington, who fought against tyranny, which often took the form of cherry trees, and Abraham Lincoln, who freed the slaves, singlehandedly kept the stovepipe hat industry in business and gave men a great excuse to get out of seeing a play.
“Fat Tuesday” is sensitive about its weight issue, which it insists is a glandular problem, and would prefer to be called either “Thick Tuesday” (it likes alliteration) or “Fun-Sized Tuesday.”
49 of the 50 states reported snowfall on Saturday. That faint sound of laughter you heard was Hawaii pointing its finger and “Aloha-haing” at the rest of us.
The song Haitians least want to hear has to be AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.” (They also don’t care to hear “Back in Black” because it’s been totally played out.)
New reality show idea – America Gets Douched. Hosted by Carlos Mencia, Dane Cook and Jeff Dunham, we look for America’s doucheist comics to replace these three who’ve faded into obscurity none too soon. First prize is a dvd recorder so they can copy all of the jokes we’ve already heard from better, more talented comics.
The movie “Valentine’s Day” will be exactly like the holiday – women will look forward to it and men will dread it’s upcoming arrival, it’s way over budget, and if you come for the early attractions, both of you will bound to feel disappointed with the mess you’re left to sit in afterwards.
There’s a fine line between hipster leather carrier bag and man purse. Just remember, if you can carry 3 nudie mags, a 6 pack of beer, and enough cuban cigars to suffocate a nursery, then you should be ok. Also, make sure it’s worn on the opposing shoulder. Easy mnemonic device – If it crosses your chest, you’re not cross-dressed.
Would you willingly accept a DeLorean, the greatest car ever created, with the caveat that every time you turn it on, Huey Lewis and the News would constantly be playing? The Flux capacitor is an optional feature, but you can not go back in time to eliminate them from history. Also, this situation does not apply for the Batmobile and it’s corresponding 60′s tv show theme song, as that’s always playing in our respective vehicles.
How many manly movies would it take for us to forgive Matthew McConaghey for How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Failure to Launch, and the rest of his craptacular movies us dudes are forced to endure? Please note, Mel Gibson, while batshit crazy, is forgiven for What Women Want because of Braveheart. If you can look like a bad ass in a kilt, you get a pass.
