While stuck in snowy South Carolina over the weekend (a cruel punishment I’d only wish on the cast of Gossip Girl), I reached the apex of boredom: I watched nearly an entire Nicholas Cage movie (on a Zenith, ironically). If only I’d had Apple’s latest device, the ipad, I wouldn’t have resorted to such shameful and desperate measures to attempt to entertain myself. If Steve Jobs and glowing media reports are to be trusted, the ipad is the greatest achievement since civil rights (a portable electronic reader was definitely part of MLK’s dream for the future. Anyone who says otherwise is a racist). For consumers who can’t get enough of the company’s costly creations, Apple has plenty of related products planned should the ipad succeed.

ipadlock. You’re going to need a security system to protect your expensive gadget. If someone attempts to steal it, the ipadlock sends a signal to the police to come stop the robbery. Any would-be thieves caught are carried away in Apple’s criminal transport vehicle: the ipaddy wagon.

ipad thai. After hours of staring at a screen and not stirring, you’ll have worked up an appetite for some stir-fry. All the rice is grown in special ipaddy fields. This meal generator puts the ‘yum’ in “tom yum gai.” Thai it, you’ll like it!

Apple engineers used their noodles to come up with ipad thai.

ipadma lakshmi. For the finicky/lonely eater who wants more culinary variety/companionship, a virtual version of the Indian model/chef. She’s a dish who can prepare almost any dish. She runs on flattery as much as batteries. So be sure to  compliment her cooking — it’s the best way to curry favor with the Chennai cutie.

ipaddle. Has this scenario ever happened to you: You take your ipad out on a motorless boat and become so engrossed in what you’re reading that you forget to bring a rowing instrument and drift out into sea? Thanks to the ipaddle, there’s no need to give yourself a stern reprimand. In trials, participants were so happy with how well the ipaddle steered them back to shore safely and swiftly, a few had oargasms. Apple is also working on a ping pong ipaddle (finally, table tennis technology enters the 21st century) and an ipaddle for irate parents to smack kids who touch their ipad.

ipaddington station. Having raked in more money than they know what to do with from its other iproducts, Apple is in negotiations to purchase the central and historic railway terminal in London, a city famous for being hip and pricey, a reputation that aligns with Apple’s. Talks broke down with the transit authority in New York City when Apple insisted on running only one line, the i, which doesn’t currently exist.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 5th, 2010 at 10:35 am and is filed under headlines. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.