We think Hammer nailed the interview.

Interviewer: You’re confident. I like that. You’re also the first candidate to answer entirely in rhyme. Moving on. (clears throat) This job requires some time spent on the road. Do you have much experience traveling?

Hammer: I’ve been around the world, from London to Bombay.

Interviewer: Ok, this question is designed to test your vocabulary? If this object (picks up stapler on his desk) is intangible, what can’t you do to it?

Hammer: You can’t touch this. No, you can’t touch this. This is something you can’t touch.

Interviewer: Very good. Times are tough right now. What do you think people need to do just to make it today?

Hammer: Pray.

Interviewer: Alright. An etiquette question for you: Let’s say you’re at a business lunch. You arrive early and are the first one there. The appetizers are already on the table. Is it acceptable to begin eating before your colleagues arrive?

Hammer: I think taking a little of the food is ok. I don’t see anything wrong with sampling. You’d have to be a super freak not to sample. Although my friend Vanilla Ice would tell me not to sample unless I was under pressure.

Interviewer: Has there ever been an instance where you heeded someone’s advice, even though you were reluctant to do so?

Hammer: Yeah, I was about to dance these cats who dissed me into oblivion, make their legs twist up like soft pretzels, but a group of people, who I thought had gathered around to watch, begged me not to. “Please Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em,” they pleaded. They were right. I was acting like a spaz in Zubaz. I realized dancing needs to be constructive, not destructive. I told my therapist at the time about it, and he said, “Hammer, if that situation comes up again, look to your haircut for help. Fade. Let your anger fade.”

Interviewer: Is there any person who has influenced your values or beliefs?

Hammer: Yes. A whole clan, in fact. The Addams family. They’re my neighbors. I really like them.

Interviewer: What is it about them you appreciate?

Hammer: They do what they want to do, say what they want to say, live how they want to live, play how they want to play, dance how they want to dance, kick and then slap a friend. The Addams family. They helped me find my groove.

Interviewer: What sorts of activities do you enjoy when you’re not working?

Hammer: I don’t want to talk about my person life. That’s Hammertime.

Interviewer: Why can’t we discuss Hammertime?

Hammer: Stop.

Interviewer: I don’t see what’s so special about Hammertime–

Hammer: Stop! (long pause) Hammertime is when I look for girls with the pumps and a bump.

Interviewer: Say no more. I also have a thing for pregnant women who think of a good time as helping me remove water from my basement.

Hammer: That’s not what I meant–

Interviewer: Ladies like that are hard to find. Well, that completes the interview. We have a few more candidates we’re bringing in, but you should hear back from us by the end of the week. If you get the job, you won’t even be the only person here at Home Depot with a hip-hop background. Sir-Mix-a-Lot  is in the paint department. He’s been great. Really lives up to his name.

Postscript: Hammer is working on a book of advice about choosing a career, entitled, What Color is Your Parachute Pants?

As startling as this may seem, Will and I occasionally have thoughts. Coherent, insightful, non-Simpsons-related, sober-ish thoughts. Some of them are collected here for you to consider:

Inspired by the auto recall, we’ve created the plot for Speed 3: Keanu is trapped inside a Toyota that can’t decelerate (there’s a bomb strapped to it, of course). Prepare to hear at least a hundred “Whoas” and see him out-acted by a Prius.

Sarah Palin took some heat for having talking points written on one of her hands. Want to know what was scribbled on her other palm? “Go to Staples & buy index cards.”

When it comes to public speaking, Palin could use a hand.

Shaun White doesn’t like his nickname, “The Flying Tomato.” Ok, how about “Carrot Top with a Snowboard Prop?”

We don’t think it’s a coincidence that the holiday celebrating love shares the same initials as the generic term for sexually-transmitted diseases.

Somewhere, while four of Canada’s most famous athletes were lighting the giant columns, Vancouver’s favorite native son, Seth Rogen, was lighting a giant joint.

Since 2010 is the year of the tiger, we expect to see a few 100 million Chinese enroll in sex addiction classes.

President’s Day is a great time to reflect on the accomplishments of two of America’s greatest leaders: George Washington, who fought against tyranny, which often took the form of cherry trees,  and Abraham Lincoln, who freed the slaves, singlehandedly kept the stovepipe hat industry in business and gave men a great excuse to get out of seeing a play.

“Fat Tuesday” is sensitive about its weight issue, which it insists is a glandular problem, and would prefer to be called either “Thick Tuesday” (it likes alliteration) or “Fun-Sized Tuesday.”

49 of the 50 states reported snowfall on Saturday. That faint sound of laughter you heard was Hawaii pointing its finger and “Aloha-haing” at the rest of us.

The song Haitians least want to hear has to be AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.” (They also don’t care to hear “Back in Black” because it’s been totally played out.)

New reality show idea – America Gets Douched. Hosted by Carlos Mencia, Dane Cook and Jeff Dunham, we look for America’s doucheist comics to replace these three who’ve faded into obscurity none too soon. First prize is a dvd recorder so they can copy all of the jokes we’ve already heard from better, more talented comics.

The movie “Valentine’s Day” will be exactly like the holiday – women will look forward to it and men will dread it’s upcoming arrival, it’s way over budget, and if you come for the early attractions, both of you will bound to feel disappointed with the mess you’re left to sit in afterwards.

There’s a fine line between hipster leather carrier bag and man purse. Just remember, if you can carry 3 nudie mags, a 6 pack of beer, and enough cuban cigars to suffocate a nursery, then you should be ok. Also, make sure it’s worn on the opposing shoulder. Easy mnemonic device – If it crosses your chest, you’re not cross-dressed.

Would you willingly accept a DeLorean, the greatest car ever created, with the caveat that every time you turn it on, Huey Lewis and the News would constantly be playing? The Flux capacitor is an optional feature, but you can not go back in time to eliminate them from history. Also, this situation does not apply for the Batmobile and it’s corresponding 60’s tv show theme song, as that’s always playing in our respective vehicles.

How many manly movies would it take for us to forgive Matthew McConaghey for How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Failure to Launch, and the rest of his craptacular movies us dudes are forced to endure? Please note, Mel Gibson, while batshit crazy, is forgiven for What Women Want because of Braveheart. If you can look like a bad ass in a kilt, you get a pass.

As we’re degenerate gamblers forced to work off our debts while hustling rounds of “Blades of Steel” in underground NES casinos (the only time anyone ever enjoys hockey outside of NHL ‘94), you can say we know our gaming inside and out. Today being the Super Bowl, we’re obliged to throw away our hard earned blog money faster than Tony Romo going through a box of Kleenex during a Designing Women marathon on Lifetime. Vegas’s lines are all too pedantic for our tastes, though, so we decided to spice things up a bit with some of our own. If you care to follow along, here now are ours, namely odds that…

The last place The Who rocked was a chair.

…religious zealots jump the Colts running out of their locker room as they completely misunderstand comments made about “attacking the Saints” in Miami: 4-1.
…said zealots get crushed by the Indy defensive line: 1-450
…the collective willpower of several million football fans focus their hatred of Joe Buck to the point that his head explodes: 7-1
…we see a Sony commercial where Timberlake rips off the chest piece from Peyton Manning’s uniform: 15-1
…everyone in the city of New Orleans gets so drunk they all pass out before Brees can throw his first pass: 1:1
…Peyton Manning appears in more commercials than throws TD passes: 2-1
…Khole or Kourtney Kardashian (the lesser skanks, not Kim), are shown on camera and mistakenly identified as Reggie Bush’s girlfriend: 6-1
…you’re tempted to switch to light beer based on the hilarity of an ad for it: 1,000:1
…Eli convulses in a fit of jealous rage as he makes the “I’m going to choke Peyton harder than the Giants choked this season” face: 10-1
…The Who, to honor New Orleans, will perform at halftime as “The Who Dat?”: 200:1
…Carrie Underwood ends the national anthem with “and the home of the brave — and that two-timing bastard, Tony Romo.”: 300:1
…David Caruso flips off his sunglasses more times than we flip off our TV’s after listening to innumerable commercials for CBS’s CSI: Miami as the host city for the Super Bowl: 13-1
…we see a commercial starring Brett Favre in a commercial for IHOP describing his love for “waffles” during the Senior early bird 5am special: 4-1

While stuck in snowy South Carolina over the weekend (a cruel punishment I’d only wish on the cast of Gossip Girl), I reached the apex of boredom: I watched nearly an entire Nicholas Cage movie (on a Zenith, ironically). If only I’d had Apple’s latest device, the ipad, I wouldn’t have resorted to such shameful and desperate measures to attempt to entertain myself. If Steve Jobs and glowing media reports are to be trusted, the ipad is the greatest achievement since civil rights (a portable electronic reader was definitely part of MLK’s dream for the future. Anyone who says otherwise is a racist). For consumers who can’t get enough of the company’s costly creations, Apple has plenty of related products planned should the ipad succeed.

ipadlock. You’re going to need a security system to protect your expensive gadget. If someone attempts to steal it, the ipadlock sends a signal to the police to come stop the robbery. Any would-be thieves caught are carried away in Apple’s criminal transport vehicle: the ipaddy wagon.

ipad thai. After hours of staring at a screen and not stirring, you’ll have worked up an appetite for some stir-fry. All the rice is grown in special ipaddy fields. This meal generator puts the ‘yum’ in “tom yum gai.” Thai it, you’ll like it!

Apple engineers used their noodles to come up with ipad thai.

ipadma lakshmi. For the finicky/lonely eater who wants more culinary variety/companionship, a virtual version of the Indian model/chef. She’s a dish who can prepare almost any dish. She runs on flattery as much as batteries. So be sure to  compliment her cooking — it’s the best way to curry favor with the Chennai cutie.

ipaddle. Has this scenario ever happened to you: You take your ipad out on a motorless boat and become so engrossed in what you’re reading that you forget to bring a rowing instrument and drift out into sea? Thanks to the ipaddle, there’s no need to give yourself a stern reprimand. In trials, participants were so happy with how well the ipaddle steered them back to shore safely and swiftly, a few had oargasms. Apple is also working on a ping pong ipaddle (finally, table tennis technology enters the 21st century) and an ipaddle for irate parents to smack kids who touch their ipad.

ipaddington station. Having raked in more money than they know what to do with from its other iproducts, Apple is in negotiations to purchase the central and historic railway terminal in London, a city famous for being hip and pricey, a reputation that aligns with Apple’s. Talks broke down with the transit authority in New York City when Apple insisted on running only one line, the i, which doesn’t currently exist.

So, today is February 2nd, Groundhog Day. Originally invented in 1796, it was first started to commemorate Doc Brown’s failed attempt to travel back in time to arm wrestle Napoleon over the name of the famous dessert. Of course, while weight training to win said challenge, the good doctor’s fingers became far too pudgy to press the number keys correctly and was instead vaulted to the middle of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

The Groundhog’s 2nd place finish in the Daytona 500 is sadly overlooked.

Upon arriving and having no opponent with which to do battle, he and Slimer from Ghostbusters had come too far just to turn back. Instead, they challenged the nearest rodents to a battle of Simon, the light up memorization game. Groundhogs, having been invented the previous year during the “Sinning Against Nature Fall Classic”, were the most naive and the first to accept the challenge. Having been bred to excel at ColecoVision, they were at first considered the heavy favorites. Unfortunately for them, the mix of flashing lights and sounds were too much, scaring them back into their holes.

In retaliation for this perceived slight and intoxicated from a mixture of steroids and horse grade tranquilizers, Doc Brown took it upon himself to release the radioactive core from his DeLorean’s Flux Capacitor, causing a small nuclear winter upon the Northeast. Later regretting his actions, he made a deal with Bill Murray (who is, in fact, an immortal highlander) to cover up the disaster.

The groundhog, for its cowardice, is assumed to have seen a shadow causing the winter that fell upon Pennsylvania. In return for his cooperation, Murray was given the lead roles in the movie Groundhog day and, with the help of Slimer, Ghostbusters. For his crimes against humanity, Doc Brown was given a full frontal lobotomy, which left him able to do little more than smack his forehead, yell “Great Scott!” and hilariously misunderstand 80’s slang about a situation being “heavy”.