Here at Concentrated Awesome, we often obtain exclusive scoops — and we’re not just talking about the experimental ice cream flavors we get to try at Baskin Robbins because our ex is the assistant manager (Darryl Strawberry, with its cocaine sprinkles, was truly addictive). However, this may be our biggest one yet: a transcript of the speech President Obama plans to deliver tonight during his State of the Union address.
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Before I begin, I’d like to thank the Vice President for warming up the crowd with a Lady Gaga medley, which I know was a hit with the troops on his overseas visits. It’s important to have, uh, light-hearted moments once in awhile in these otherwise somber times. I’m not sure the wig was necessary, Joe, but it was, uh, colorful.
Many of you watching on TV may be wondering why the Congressmen seated before me are wearing 3-D glasses and, well, it’s because I’ve asked them to. I’ve reached across party lines, as I promised to do during my campaign, and sought out their help. You see, 3-D worked for Avatar, turning an otherwise mediocre movie into an amazing, memorable experience. I’m hoping the glasses can do the same for my Presidency. I took office over one year ago, asking the American people to don rose-colored glasses. Well, that hasn’t worked. I, uh, fully acknowledge that. The prescription in those lenses, so to speak, wasn’t strong enough. I understand now that only 3-D spectacles using the latest technology offer a way to see my true vision for this country’s future.
Van Damme was gunning for Gam-gam, but Obama’s death panel idea was killed by Congress.
In fact, the 3-D effects in Avatar were so distracting, no one even bothered to mention the film’s astronomical budget. With any luck, we’ll get people to ignore our ever-growing national debt, which is why I not only plan on distributing a pair of these to every person in America, but more importantly, all Chinese government officials will receive them.
I know there has not been much reason for optimism these last 12 months. The conflict in Iraq drags on. The economy has yet to rebound and our experts on the matter, such as Ben Bernanke, are borderline retarded. The housing market continues to decline. The Mayweather-Pacquiao fight has been called off. Rush Limbaugh’s heart attack was a false alarm. Conan won’t return until at least next fall, and even then, we, uh, have no idea what network he will be on.
In the face of all this unrest and uncertainty, I’m here to reassure you that hope is around the corner. The season premiere of Lost is less than one week away. President’s Day is in February, so that’s one less day you have to, uh, work, assuming, of course, you have a job. We may not have prosecuted members of the Bush regime for torture, but Balloon Boy’s father is in jail as we speak, so on some level, justice has, uh, prevailed. The Salahis have grown silent, and, fingers crossed, the Gosselins’ 15 minutes of fame appear to be expiring. The price of both the PS3 and the Xbox 360 have been reduced. All of these are signs of societal progress and all have come under this administration.
To the critics who say I have not accomplished much, I submit the following acts as evidence to the contrary. I have already Twittered more than any President in U.S. history. I picked a puppy, albeit with significant input from my daughters. I planted an organic garden. Ok, that was mostly Michelle, but I do water it occasionally. I toiled tirelessly to draft a universal health care bill and convinced Congress to pass it, even revoking the death panels, which, for the record, would’ve employed two super-human Universal Soldiers to carry out the executions. Look, perhaps I could have used some of my time more wisely, but I’m pleased to say I have not spent a single second of my Presidency clearing brush, and that is a fact everyone — liberals and conservatives, Democrats and Republicans, blacks and whites, heterosexuals and homosexuals — can be proud of.
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