There are many reasons some ads never air. Some are simply too cool for public consumption, like this one (Nike  found focus groups couldn’t stop stiff-arming each other and people became preoccupied with picking up the blitz).  Others are too topical or insensitive , such as this commercial based on a recent event (although it’s still not worse than the current Domino’s campaign where the company admits they’ve been selling you an awful excuse for pizza for countless years — we think their new slogan should be “Now more edible than ever!”).

Hi, I’m Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. You might not recognize my name, but I’m the one who had the balls to carry a bomb in my underwear (let’s be honest, sticking it in your shoe is for sissies). And there’s only one brand I trust for the task, Fruit of the Doom, the tighty-whities tailored with terrorists’ needs in mind.

Briefs have been added to the no-fly list.

When you want to cause calamity, you need to be comfortable and Fruit of the Doom understands that. The elastic waistband stretches out enough for you to store almost any explosive device alongside your genitals. Yes, that is a stick of dynamite in my pants; it’s not that I’m happy to see you. If you’ve got to stash TNT, don’t bother with BVDs, only Fruit of the Doom has enough room. A special pocket sewn on the inside lets you tuck the fuse for your bomb in — because you don’t want to walk around with your wick hanging out (that would be embarassing).

Hanes may work for Michael Jordan, but if you’re from Jordan, you want Fruit of the Doom. Would a wealthy Nigerian, whose words you’re reading on the internet, ever steer you wrong?

Not only are Fruit of the Doom briefs functional and durable (they’ll last Yemeni years), they look great, too. I’m just nuts about them. When I wear my Fruit of the Dooms, there’s at least one group of police I don’t have to worry about being arrested by — the fashion police! In a recent survey, 68 out of 72 virgins agree they prefer their martyrs in Fruit of the Doom, instead of the leading brand. The days of waging Jihad in Jockeys is over.

Fruit of the Doom — I wouldn’t be caught dead in anything else.

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