I hate to leave this year behind me without a few brief thoughts. Mostly, they involve lots of obscene gestures and various locations in which to place a pineapple. And if you don’t think 2009 has an asshole, you clearly weren’t paying attention during the Madoff scandal.
If I may be so grotesque (and I will, as this is our site and you were dumb enough to visit), I’d like to share a few parting shots to everything and everyone I hated in 2009.
Tiger Woods – Every husband, fiancee, boyfriend, what have you is now left out in “I know he’s cheating on me” territory despite any and all good will, casting us all in the doghouse. So thanks for fucking us all over. Well, not me, I’m still flying single. Crisis averted there! Also, all sexual puns about golf jokes have been completely exhausted for the next 5 years.
My underwear is now classified as a dangerous weapons. Laaadies?
The attempted Detroit pants bomber – We had the shoe bomber several years ago and they started making us take off our shoes to check for incendiary devices. Do we gotta drop our skinnies now? Let’s just cut out the middle man and ban pants, ok? It’ll save me a lot of excuses/court appearances.
Death – Patrick Swayze AND John Hughes? Really? I will never have a perfect sweet 16 nor be swept off my feet by the man who had one of the greatest 80s mullets around. I swear, if you come anywhere near Johnny 5 from Short Circuit…
Pinnochio – Quite frankly, I blame everything that Jeff Dunham has done this year on you. Jiminy Cricket can kiss my ass.
The Boston Red Sox – No real reason, I just hate to pass up the opportunity to rub our Yankees World Series win in your dumb faces. Booyah.
Vince “ShamWow/Slap Chop” Shlomi – After punching his girlfriend, I can’t look at any absorbent materials the same way again, nor will I ever love nuts quite the same way. Wait, that last part came out wrong. I love nuts just as much as I ever did, if not more so. 2010, bring on the nuts! There, all better.
Snuggies – My ass is cold cause I’m not wearing pants. Where’s your solution to that? Lazy bastards.
Jersey Shore – This is some kind of 80’s douchebag renaissance that needs to stop. If Billy Zabka makes an appearance, I’m going to go Karate Kid all over his ass
Zombies – Because you deserve mentioning on this list every year, as both an undying (or, really, undead) love of brains and as the source of my eventual demise upon your apocalypse. Be warned – Left 4 Dead 2, World War Z and Zombieland were all in my wheelhouse this year. I’m training.
Hollywood – speaking of movies, a list of the crapfest we had to endure: Bride Wars, Hotel for Dogs, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, He’s Just Not That Into You, The Pink Panther 2, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li…Ok, I’m giving up. That was just the movies up to the end of February. If I list any more, I might bludgeon myself with my laptop and not make it to 2010.
The Year ‘09 itself – for being 60 years too early to be funny for 5th graders and idiots with their own blogs
January 13th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Pineapples? According to your site bio, papayas are your preferred fruit (whoever wrote your profile must not know you very well).
I’m proud to say most of those sexual puns about golf have been exhausted on this very site.
He didn’t punch her, he slap chopped her –or ShamPow’ed her (take your pick) — to demonstrate yet another use for those diverse products.
I’d argue that Billy Zabka is the only person who can save “Jersey Shore.”
Will the zombie mania ever die down — or undie down?