‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through my house
Not a creature was stirring, especially not my spouse.
Ladies stockings were hung by the chimney with care
By all the women with whom I’ve had affairs.
The sluts were nestled all snug in my bed
While visions of fame and fortune danced in their heads.
And them in their nighties and I in my Nike cap
Had just settled down after hours of hearing them yap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
It reminded me of when my SUV windshield was shattered.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
To make sure it wasn’t Elin threatening my head to bash.
Jolly old Jack Nick took time to swing by Tiger's place (we wish he had changed his sweater first).
The moon shone on the chests of my newly acquired hoes
And the luster of their midriffs made me content with the path I chose
When what to my wandering eye did appear
But an Escalade and eight senior golfers.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be Jack Nick(laus).
One by one, out of the car they came
They all could shoot eagles and had courses bearing their names.
“Now Daly, now Duval, now Palmer and Strange
On Couples, on Curtis, and the two who staid at the driving range.
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall
Let’s hurry up, so we can get back to hitting balls!”
Because the old guys don’t move around so well
They didn’t bother climbing the roof and instead rung the doorbell.
Jack Nick was dressed all in plaid, from his head to his foot
It would’ve been an improvement if his clothes were covered in soot.
A bundle of clubs he had flung on his back
Nothing but Titleists were in his sack.
His face — how it wrinkled — his arthritis, how scary!
I said, “Jack Nick, I hope you brought me Katy Perry.”
He spoke not a word, but before getting to his work
He looked at the 14 stockings and then called me jerk.
And laying his finger on my chest he chided,
“You can’t stay inside until the scandal’s subsided.”
He hobbled to his vehicle and as he drove away I heard him holler,
“How many of your women would sit on Jack Nick’s lap for a dollar?”
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