The holiday rush is upon us, and we’re no different here at CA. While normally prostituting ourselves on street corners at 2am, this past weekend we switched up to commercialized whoring through crass consumerism, because that’s what Christmas is about. Go, Jebus, Go!

Anyway, we’ve knocked through a couple gifts and thought we’d share some deals we’ve found, most notably for…

And yet this picture is still 100 times less creepy than any picture of Helen Thomas

…the first black President in your life, a copy of Wedding Crashers. Secret Service has their hands full, so clearly Obama need to start figuring out how to spot unwelcome guests himself. Also, I kinda want to see him get blitzed one press conference and call Joe Biden a “motor-boating son-of-a-bitch, you ol’ sailor you!”, maybe even going as far as demonstrating on Helen Thomas.
Price: Christopher Walken will stalk the White House for the next few months. Equally dangerous as random people off the streets, but a lot more entertaining.

…your socially dysfunctional genius friends, a season of Mythbusters and a season of Jackass, possibly the smartest and dumbest shows on TV, respectively. With some creative film editing, we could use Johnny Knoxville as a test dummy and finally blow his ass up.
Price: Most likely a few extremities, some brain cells.

…the film aficionado, Nicholas Cage. I don’t mean his film collection, I mean the actor himself. Dude’s been in movies for decades, but is now flat broke. That’s what you get after buying a bunch of dinosaur skulls. And, ya know, for playing the lead role in “Knowing”. I just find it hard to understand how he doesn’t have any cash after starring in several Japanese commercials for Pachinkoooooo!

Price: Sizable debts, the stench of his recent bombs in the box office, the eventual insanity in trying to fathom how he secured so many leading roles in action movies.

…the city that never sleeps, a legion of bandwagon Yankee fans. Where the hell were you sons of bitches 5 years ago when we needed the Heimlich maneuver? Nowadays, you’re too busy patting yourselves on the back. How many are Red Sox Fans in sheep’s clothing?
Price: 12 for $.10. That’s right, they’re a dime a dozen.

…the pro golfer, a new Cadillac SUV and a set of clubs. You may have escaped with some scratches on your body, Tiger, but we all know you don’t go out at 2:25am and crash your caddy because you had a craving for some Ben & Jerry’s. Pretty sure it was a different kind of BJ you were looking for.
Price: Get out your check book, it’s going to cost you. Probably want to add some car detailing to get out the stripper perfume and glitter from the back seat too. Be warned, Tiger goes through Cadillacs like he goes through…well, fire hydrants and trees.

…your favorite football coach, a copy of Madden 2009 for the Wii. If Belichick’s going to go for it on every 4th down in every major game, at least we won’t have to see Tom Brady cry afterward during the post-game. Unless they added that in for Madden 2010 (fingers crossed).
Price: Any hope for winning Super Bowl XLIV come next year. Just ask the Jets/Giants how cheap that comes.

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