I hate to leave this year behind me without a few brief thoughts. Mostly, they involve lots of obscene gestures and various locations in which to place a pineapple. And if you don’t think 2009 has an asshole, you clearly weren’t paying attention during the Madoff scandal.

If I may be so grotesque (and I will, as this is our site and you were dumb enough to visit), I’d like to share a few parting shots to everything and everyone I hated in 2009.

Tiger Woods – Every husband, fiancee, boyfriend, what have you is now left out in “I know he’s cheating on me” territory despite any and all good will, casting us all in the doghouse. So thanks for fucking us all over. Well, not me, I’m still flying single. Crisis averted there! Also, all sexual puns about golf jokes have been completely exhausted for the next 5 years.

My underwear is now classified as a dangerous weapons. Laaadies?

The attempted Detroit pants bomber – We had the shoe bomber several years ago and they started making us take off our shoes to check for incendiary devices. Do we gotta drop our skinnies now? Let’s just cut out the middle man and ban pants, ok? It’ll save me a lot of excuses/court appearances.

Death – Patrick Swayze AND John Hughes? Really? I will never have a perfect sweet 16 nor be swept off my feet by the man who had one of the greatest 80s mullets around. I swear, if you come anywhere near Johnny 5 from Short Circuit…

Pinnochio – Quite frankly, I blame everything that Jeff Dunham has done this year on you. Jiminy Cricket can kiss my ass.

The Boston Red Sox – No real reason, I just hate to pass up the opportunity to rub our Yankees World Series win in your dumb faces. Booyah.

Vince “ShamWow/Slap Chop” Shlomi – After punching his girlfriend, I can’t look at any absorbent materials the same way again, nor will I ever love nuts quite the same way. Wait, that last part came out wrong. I love nuts just as much as I ever did, if not more so. 2010, bring on the nuts! There, all better.

Snuggies – My ass is cold cause I’m not wearing pants. Where’s your solution to that? Lazy bastards.

Jersey Shore – This is some kind of 80’s douchebag renaissance that needs to stop. If Billy Zabka makes an appearance, I’m going to go Karate Kid all over his ass

Zombies – Because you deserve mentioning on this list every year, as both an undying (or, really, undead) love of brains and as the source of my eventual demise upon your apocalypse. Be warned – Left 4 Dead 2, World War Z and Zombieland were all in my wheelhouse this year. I’m training.

Hollywood – speaking of movies, a list of the crapfest we had to endure: Bride Wars, Hotel for Dogs, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, He’s Just Not That Into You, The Pink Panther 2, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li…Ok, I’m giving up. That was just the movies up to the end of February. If I list any more, I might bludgeon myself with my laptop and not make it to 2010.

The Year ‘09 itself – for being 60 years too early to be funny for 5th graders and idiots with their own blogs

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through my house

Not a creature was stirring, especially not my spouse.

Ladies stockings were hung by the chimney with care

By all the women with whom I’ve had affairs.

The sluts were nestled all snug in my bed

While visions of fame and fortune danced in their heads.

And them in their nighties and I in my Nike cap

Had just settled down after hours of hearing them yap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

It reminded me of when my SUV windshield was shattered.

Away to the window I flew like a flash

To make sure it wasn’t Elin threatening my head to bash.

Jolly old Jack Nick took time to swing by Tiger's place (we wish he had changed his sweater first).

The moon shone on the chests of my newly acquired hoes

And the luster of their midriffs made me content with the path I chose

When what to my wandering eye did appear

But an Escalade and eight senior golfers.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick

I knew in a moment it must be Jack Nick(laus).

One by one, out of the car they came

They all could shoot eagles and had courses bearing their names.

“Now Daly, now Duval, now Palmer and Strange

On Couples, on Curtis, and the two who staid at the driving range.

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall

Let’s hurry up, so we can get back to hitting balls!”

Because the old guys don’t move around so well

They didn’t bother climbing the roof and instead rung the doorbell.

Jack Nick was dressed all in plaid, from his head to his foot

It would’ve been an improvement if his clothes were covered in soot.

A bundle of clubs he had flung on his back

Nothing but Titleists were in his sack.

His face — how it wrinkled — his arthritis, how scary!

I said, “Jack Nick, I hope you brought me Katy Perry.”

He spoke not a word, but before getting to his work

He looked at the 14 stockings and then called me jerk.

And laying his finger on my chest he chided,

“You can’t stay inside until the scandal’s subsided.”

He hobbled to his vehicle and as he drove away I heard him holler,

“How many of your women would sit on Jack Nick’s lap for a dollar?”

Tiger's transgressions have some teed off.

Tiger’s alleged extra-marital affairs might cost him many of his endorsements (and we’re guessing Fidelity won’t ask him to be a spokesman), but we see an opportunity to plug a new product, which was at the center of the scandal. Expect to see this commercial soon:

Hi, Tiger Woods here. You know what I like, besides sleeping around? Long drives, on and off the course. And there’s no better vehicle to take them in than the all-new 2010 Cadillac Escalaid, specially designed for swingers of all sorts. It’s spacious interior contains enough room for your clubs and the women from the clubs. The leather backseat, which folds down flat, is both large and comfortable. Believe me, I’ve spent a lot of time there. Yes, the stylish and improved Escalaid assures I have game even away from the links.

The Escalaid has exceptional speed, whether you’re running late for tee time or running away from your enraged spouse, you’ll get going fast. GPS with turn by turn navigation helps you find what you’re looking for with ease, be it a new course or a new hotel to meet your mistress at. It delivers on safety, too, with shatter-proof windows and front and side airbags to protect you from harm, in the form of an accident or the wrath of your wronged wife. A padded brake and accelerator are perfect if you prefer to drive without shoes, like me. My favorite feature is the rear-view camera that lets you see objects behind you. It won’t help when you back out of tournaments, but it will help when you back out of the driveway in the early hours of the morning. The Escalaid is the best way to get around after you’ve played a few rounds or slept around.

With all these amazing amenities, there’s a “hole” lot to love about the 2010 Escalaid. What can I say, I’m fond of caddies. And cocktail waitresses.

Cadillac Escalaid, the car cheaters choose.

The holiday rush is upon us, and we’re no different here at CA. While normally prostituting ourselves on street corners at 2am, this past weekend we switched up to commercialized whoring through crass consumerism, because that’s what Christmas is about. Go, Jebus, Go!

Anyway, we’ve knocked through a couple gifts and thought we’d share some deals we’ve found, most notably for…

And yet this picture is still 100 times less creepy than any picture of Helen Thomas

…the first black President in your life, a copy of Wedding Crashers. Secret Service has their hands full, so clearly Obama need to start figuring out how to spot unwelcome guests himself. Also, I kinda want to see him get blitzed one press conference and call Joe Biden a “motor-boating son-of-a-bitch, you ol’ sailor you!”, maybe even going as far as demonstrating on Helen Thomas.
Price: Christopher Walken will stalk the White House for the next few months. Equally dangerous as random people off the streets, but a lot more entertaining.

…your socially dysfunctional genius friends, a season of Mythbusters and a season of Jackass, possibly the smartest and dumbest shows on TV, respectively. With some creative film editing, we could use Johnny Knoxville as a test dummy and finally blow his ass up.
Price: Most likely a few extremities, some brain cells.

…the film aficionado, Nicholas Cage. I don’t mean his film collection, I mean the actor himself. Dude’s been in movies for decades, but is now flat broke. That’s what you get after buying a bunch of dinosaur skulls. And, ya know, for playing the lead role in “Knowing”. I just find it hard to understand how he doesn’t have any cash after starring in several Japanese commercials for Pachinkoooooo!

Price: Sizable debts, the stench of his recent bombs in the box office, the eventual insanity in trying to fathom how he secured so many leading roles in action movies.

…the city that never sleeps, a legion of bandwagon Yankee fans. Where the hell were you sons of bitches 5 years ago when we needed the Heimlich maneuver? Nowadays, you’re too busy patting yourselves on the back. How many are Red Sox Fans in sheep’s clothing?
Price: 12 for $.10. That’s right, they’re a dime a dozen.

…the pro golfer, a new Cadillac SUV and a set of clubs. You may have escaped with some scratches on your body, Tiger, but we all know you don’t go out at 2:25am and crash your caddy because you had a craving for some Ben & Jerry’s. Pretty sure it was a different kind of BJ you were looking for.
Price: Get out your check book, it’s going to cost you. Probably want to add some car detailing to get out the stripper perfume and glitter from the back seat too. Be warned, Tiger goes through Cadillacs like he goes through…well, fire hydrants and trees.

…your favorite football coach, a copy of Madden 2009 for the Wii. If Belichick’s going to go for it on every 4th down in every major game, at least we won’t have to see Tom Brady cry afterward during the post-game. Unless they added that in for Madden 2010 (fingers crossed).
Price: Any hope for winning Super Bowl XLIV come next year. Just ask the Jets/Giants how cheap that comes.