As the holiday season approaches, we’d like to take a moment out of our busy schedules of general buffoonery to point out how other people on the web are even bigger idiots, making us seem normal in comparison. Thanks for being the pariahs, social outcasts, and abhorrent human beings so we don’t have to. Most notably, we’re thankful…
Little-known fact: turkeys are the easiest animals to high-five.
- for a trusted telephone service for turkey troubles (let’s call these experts “master basters.”
- that we don’t act out our ninja fantasies (unless playing Ninja Gaiden while listening to “Ninja Rap” counts).
- the NHL is transitioning from Gretzky to grizzlies (the Boston Bruins never looked better).
- for what has to be Lance Armstrong’s favorite brothel (it’s pedaling filth).
- states are continue to draught stronger beer bills (the economy’s tanked and so are we).
- the vigilant people of Iowa are protecting us from zombies — especially during breakfast, the most important meal of the day (by “vigilant” we mean ‘inebriated’).
- we weren’t at this meeting, which put the ‘dive’ in “Maldives” ( by all accounts, it went swimmingly).
- for Pepperdine’s Keion Bell for demonstrating the only acceptable way to slam your teammates (for him, ’09 was a leap year).
- we’re not on the road in South Korea (they have a saying, 950th time’s the charm).
- this man’s efforts weren’t fruitful (though they were fruit-full).
- for pro athletes who understand the value of a dollar (we’ll bet he sips Crystal Light, not Cristal).
- there’s a way for Santa to make (rear) ends meet (it’s been dung before).
- one establishment is serving a vodka-infused turkey (next up: the Grey Goose goose). We’re tired from the tryptophan, not the 100-proof alcohol, really.
- we’ll always keep the gin and juice next to the milk and cookies during Christmas time
- that we’ve managed to embarrass both Christians and the rap community in one goofy youtube video
- for design companies that use MS Paint to brings AOL (already an embarrassment of a company) to new depths in asshattery.
- that Paula Deen has proven about as capable as the Browns when it comes to catching a pigskin — or skinned pig (don’t worry, she wrapped her face in bacon and she’s fine now).
- Kermit the Frog has finally decided to embrace the Queen in himself. Now if he can only grow a mustache…
- you’ve managed to gorge yourself on this filler post right before Thanksgiving. The EMT will be around shortly. Still, it’s a small price to pay for defeating your cousin in the gravy chugging contest (as well as besting him in a bitter butter battle that would’ve made Dr. Seuss proud).
