These are stories ripped (off) straight from the headlines.
Working on her (sa)tan line: Last week, Britney Spears’ twitter account was hacked, so she was sending messages saying she worships the devil. It’s still a step up from Kevin Federline.
Something waffle has happened: Due to a factory flooding, there has been a severe shortage of a certain kind of Kellogg’s breakfast food. Naturally, people are panicking, standing in line for hours trying to buy the product. We call these folks “Eggomaniacs.”
Pros and (Fal)cons: The Heene parents have plead guilty to a felony charge in the balloon hoax. It would’ve worked, if not for their son’s letting slip on TV that the stunt was “for a show.” The lesson: Children should be Heene and not heard.
He’s hair to the throne of heartthrobs.
Speed’oh: A group in Australia failed in its attempt to achieve the world’s largest bikini parade. Talk about not pooling resources properly.
Seoul searching: President Obama is encouraging China and South Korea, along with the U.S., to engage in a dialogue with North Korea. In other words, he’s hoping for some il communication.
His locks are key: Actor Robert Pattinson jokes that in the movie New Moon that 75 percent of his performance is his hair. If only the rabid fans would twilighten up.
Stamped out: The U.S. postal service has ended a program where volunteers responded to childrens’ letters addressed to Santa. The reason? Professional jealousy. Kris Kringle does something easily the USPS has never been able to: deliver thousands of packages overnight.
Write wing perspective: We’d like to answer the question what books are better than Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue with a phrase that should sound familiar: um, all of them.
Rest in piece: Jeanne-Claude, an installation artist who co-created “The Gates” in Central Park in 2005, died Wednesday. Her next project is redecorating the pearly gates.
Charleston Chewed out: Actor Seth Green is feuding with bloggers making fun of him for a viral video ad for Butterfingers. It seems he can’t stand all the snickers.
Winfrey at last: There goes Steadman’s steady source of income. Oprah announced she will end her talk show in 2011, so in two years you can expect Pontiac to go bankrupt, Dr. Phil to file for unemployment and 80% of women to stop reading.
Take this to heart: If you want to avoid the sick bay, pass the Parrot Bay. A major study in Spain showed that drinking alcohol daily significantly reduces men’s risk of heart disease. We trust this information as the Absolut truth.
Halo/goodbye: A Chicago-area teen called 911 to complain after his parents confiscated his video game system. The strange reaction was just his way of thinking outside the Xbox.
