Sometimes, I absolutely love being a huge nerd. Minus my sex life, social life, any kind of professional nature and maturity as a man in his mid-twenties, it’s pretty damn sweet. Wear a lame t-shirt? Get my ass kicked in a bar? Spend an entire lunch break discussing how the Enterprise would win in a fight against the Death Star? It’s all good, cause I’m a geek. It’s like a “Get of Jail Free” card, but for doing anything cool.

I looked like this, but without all those ‘muscles’ getting in my way

Hell, I could even do something crazy like…oh I dunno, spend tons of cash and man hours (not to mention credibility as a productive member of society) to produce a light up green lantern ring for the sole purpose of wearing it as a small part of a Halloween costume. That’s just a theoretical example, of course.

Unfortunately, not everyone is quite so lucky. The vast majority of people are stuck in that middle area where they’re too cool to give up and say “fuck it, I’m going to play Rock Band with a plastic guitar” and not cool enough to be a John Lennon level rock star actually depicted in a Rock Band game.

I got news for you. In their lifetimes John Wayne peed himself every now and then, Bruce Lee would get untimely boner shame and JFK got shot down by girls. No one is lucky enough to have “everything come up Milhouse” 24/7.

I say embrace the times few and far between when being a goofy son of a bitch is socially acceptable. Should you find yourself in any of the following situations, sit back and enjoy the ride. You can only get away with it every so often.

Currying favor with Sports gods
This includes any sort of special dances, lucky (read: smelly and unwashed) pieces of clothing, or strange rituals that may or may not involve the sacrifice of a small woodland creature. From cheering on your fantasy team to pulling for your guys in October, the time honored tradition of acting like a jackass is far reaching. Fair warning, telling your significant other that she must leave the room because she’s jinxing the team will not be looked upon kindly.
Example: A cardboard sign reading John 3:16 and a rainbow wig. Go Giants! (?)

Halloween
Let me say again, because it bears repeating: I dressed up like the Green Lantern, complete with spandex shirt and a black mask with a glowing ring around the streets of NYC AND on top of that I wound up talking to a really cute girl at the end of the night. Explain to me in what other context I could pull that off? Magic of Halloween, folks.
Example: Slutty policewoman, Slutty cat, Slutty fire hydrant

21st birthday
Turning 21 is your “last licks” at being a teenager. Sure, your teen years technically ended when you turned 20, but there’s that nice 1 year grace period as you transition out of it, so that you can slowly stop being so damn angsty. Now, you’re 21 and legally allowed to drink. Put down the PBR and pick up a real drink (just as soon as you do a few body shots first).
Example: 21 shots in a night? Start looking forward to that first AA meeting.

Childhood
Those lucky sons of bitches just sitting around, pooping themselves and eating glue. When you’re 3, it’s all water under the bridge. I did that Tuesday and got the dirtiest looks from my coworkers. See if I share my Flintstones phone with you during Show ‘n Tell next week. Note, this also applies if you’re old and senile. Only 60 more years to go!
Example: I know I can fit this quarter up my nose. Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Performing a bar bet
Just to clarify, “socially acceptable” applies to the group of friends you’re with and the time frame of said bet. The first law of a bar bet is any act of stupidity must be met with equal and opposite respect. Newtonian physics, bitches.
Example: I bet I can fit this quarter up my nose. Woooooo!

In a porno
Anything goes in a porno. Doin’ it with the cable guy. Doin’ it with sexy aliens. Doin’ it with the lights on. Even as you read this, top men in the field of sexology (aside: that’s apparently a real word, as spell check didn’t correct me) are currently working on the effects of zero gravity on silicone.
Example: Ron Jeremy, a man who looks like Mario on a drunken bender, has slept with more hot women (at the same time!) than you will ever see walking down the street. Baffling.

Hollywood in the 80′s
How else do you explain Steve Guttenberg’s career? Ok, yes, the Stonecutters as well.
Example: Every 80′s movie (except for anything by John Hughes. 16 candles!? sigh…)

Before you run out the door with your new found freedom, let’s pump the brakes a second. While the above are special cases, let’s not forget the mistakes of those who’ve gone before us. I’d be morally remiss if I didn’t shed some light on the fact that these are exceptions to the rule. As a precaution, make sure not to fall into the trap of believing the following are loopholes when, in fact, they are even more so stringent bearing to said rule:

Being Drunk, on drugs, or intoxicated in any way.
A close cousin to the bar bet, as that bit of social lubricant (teeheehee) is what starts all the fun in the first place. Drunk shaming happens for a reason: to teach you not to be a jackass. Alcohol does not give you free reign to act like an asshole. Living in NYC does.

In Love
Just the opposite, everything you do in love can and will be held against you in a court of law (“law” loosely interpreted here as the ball busting that ensues when your friends find out). There is a reason men don’t openly talk about taking their wives to see Julia Roberts movies when their buddies are around. You may have gotten lucky with that lavender candle and quiche you made, but you haven’t paid for it until your friends find out.

Teenage years
I don’t care who you are or how cool you were in high school, at some point you tried to dress up like Vanilla Ice, Kid and/or Play, Don Johnson, etc. depending on what era you group up in. If you can find a single photo from your teenage years where you said “wow, that’s a great haircut”, congrats. You peaked in high school and are currently working in a Denny’s.

The internet
I know what you’re thinking. “The internet? Anything goes there!” False. Logic is merely twisted here. If you want to find pictures of a crossover romance between Johny Five from Short Circuit and Robocop, somewhere in the world there is a person posting said short story to their blog. The converse is, though, that you will also be ridiculed for not being obsessive enough. You confuse your rickrolling with a lemon party and you’re in trouble. If you don’t know what either are, stay out of the internet. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am and is filed under headlines. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.