As the holiday season approaches, we’d like to take a moment out of our busy schedules of general buffoonery to point out how other people on the web are even bigger idiots, making us seem normal in comparison. Thanks for being the pariahs, social outcasts, and abhorrent human beings so we don’t have to. Most notably, we’re thankful…

Little-known fact: turkeys are the easiest animals to high-five.

• for a trusted telephone service for turkey troubles (let’s call these experts “master basters.”
• that we don’t act out our ninja fantasies (unless playing Ninja Gaiden while listening to “Ninja Rap” counts).
• the NHL is transitioning from Gretzky to grizzlies (the Boston Bruins never looked better).
• for what has to be Lance Armstrong’s favorite brothel (it’s pedaling filth).
• states are continue to draught stronger beer bills (the economy’s tanked and so are we).
• the vigilant people of Iowa are protecting us from zombies — especially during breakfast, the most important meal of the day (by “vigilant” we mean ‘inebriated’).
• we weren’t at this meeting, which put the ‘dive’ in “Maldives” ( by all accounts, it went swimmingly).
• for Pepperdine’s Keion Bell for demonstrating the only acceptable way to slam your teammates (for him, ‘09 was a leap year).
• we’re not on the road in South Korea (they have a saying, 950th time’s the charm).
• this man’s efforts weren’t fruitful (though they were fruit-full).
• for pro athletes who understand the value of a dollar (we’ll bet he sips Crystal Light, not Cristal).
• there’s a way for Santa to make (rear) ends meet (it’s been dung before).
• one establishment is serving a vodka-infused turkey (next up: the Grey Goose goose). We’re tired from the tryptophan, not the 100-proof alcohol, really.
• we’ll always keep the gin and juice next to the milk and cookies during Christmas time
• that we’ve managed to embarrass both Christians and the rap community in one goofy youtube video
• for design companies that use MS Paint to brings AOL (already an embarrassment of a company) to new depths in asshattery.
• that Paula Deen has proven about as capable as the Browns when it comes to catching a pigskin — or skinned pig (don’t worry, she wrapped her face in bacon and she’s fine now).
• Kermit the Frog has finally decided to embrace the Queen in himself. Now if he can only grow a mustache…
• you’ve managed to gorge yourself on this filler post right before Thanksgiving. The EMT will be around shortly. Still, it’s a small price to pay for defeating your cousin in the gravy chugging contest (as well as besting him in a bitter butter battle that would’ve made Dr. Seuss proud).

These are stories ripped (off) straight from the headlines.

Working on her (sa)tan line: Last week, Britney Spears’ twitter account was hacked, so she was sending messages saying she worships the devil. It’s still a step up from Kevin Federline.

Something waffle has happened: Due to a factory flooding, there has been a severe shortage of a certain kind of Kellogg’s breakfast food. Naturally, people are panicking, standing in line for hours trying to buy the product. We call these folks “Eggomaniacs.”

Pros and (Fal)cons: The Heene parents have plead guilty to a felony charge in the balloon hoax. It would’ve worked, if not for their son’s letting slip on TV that the stunt was “for a show.” The lesson: Children should be Heene and not heard.

He’s hair to the throne of heartthrobs.

Speed’oh: A group in Australia failed in its attempt to achieve the world’s largest bikini parade. Talk about not pooling resources properly.

Seoul searching: President Obama is encouraging China and South Korea, along with the U.S.,  to engage in a dialogue with North Korea. In other words, he’s hoping for some il communication.

His locks are key: Actor Robert Pattinson jokes that in the movie New Moon that 75 percent of his performance is his hair. If only the rabid fans would twilighten up.

Stamped out: The U.S. postal service has ended a program where volunteers responded to childrens’ letters addressed to Santa. The reason? Professional jealousy. Kris Kringle does something easily the USPS has never been able to: deliver thousands of packages overnight.

Write wing perspective: We’d like to answer the question what books are better than Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue with a phrase that should sound familiar: um, all of them.

Rest in piece: Jeanne-Claude, an installation artist who co-created “The Gates” in Central Park in 2005, died Wednesday. Her next project is redecorating the pearly gates.

Charleston Chewed out: Actor Seth Green is feuding with bloggers making fun of him for a viral video ad for Butterfingers. It seems he can’t stand all the snickers.

Winfrey at last: There goes Steadman’s steady source of income. Oprah announced she will end her talk show in 2011, so in two years you can expect Pontiac to go bankrupt, Dr. Phil to file for unemployment and 80% of women to stop reading.

Take this to heart: If you want to avoid the sick bay, pass the Parrot Bay. A major study in Spain showed that drinking alcohol daily significantly reduces men’s risk of heart disease. We trust this information as the Absolut truth.

Halo/goodbye: A Chicago-area teen called 911 to complain after his parents confiscated his video game system. The strange reaction was just his way of thinking outside the Xbox.

Sousing it up after a long week of work sometimes isn’t enough to get you by (I’ll let you compose yourself after such a bombshell. Better?). If my 20’s have taught me anything, it’s that the best way to blow off steam is to just do something really stupid and reckless: rob a liquor store, set fire to a day care center, date a Kardashian (my condolences to Lamar Odom, we hardly knew ye).

Bad news: I was out of firearms, incendiary devices and lies to tell Kim.

Good news: my bosses invited me out to Atlantic City, which I’ve learned will do in a pinch.

As this was my first time to AC, I decided to keep a running diary of it. Before you ask “Isn’t this like a bunch of Sports Guy’s columns on Vegas, namely one he wrote just three weeks ago?”, let me differentiate: He has a huge fan base that digs his writing, thoroughly enjoys casinos on a regular basis, and most importantly is a seasoned pro writer/gambler. I, on the other hand, will be lucky if this post is accidentally clicked on at 3am by a furry on the other side of the world looking for “Concentrated Opossum: Where furries go to yiff”. If you don’t know what a furry is, please don’t look it up. It’ll only make you sad.

For those not looking for said twisted porn, prepare to gamble with 15 minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

12:00pm – Woo! AC here we come! I’ve got my fanny pack full of fruit rollups and I’m ready to cut loose!

12:01 – My fanny pack is immediately thrown out the window by my boss. Lucky I brought a spare Fruit by the Foot in my back pocket. Start contemplating if a Canadian “Vegetable by the Meter” could work.

12:37 – A chill runs up my spine. A cold wind blows through the car. Somewhere in the distance, a small child’s cries go unanswered. I look up. “Welcome to New Jersey!”. Can I hold my nose for 12+ hours?

1:30 – I’ve made my sixth rest stop since starting the trip. My highly developed urinary system goes underappreciated.

2:15 – We pull through an adjacent town…Abysmal? Abscess? Absecon, right, right. I’m pretty sure I just saw a dog looking for a place to die, stopping at a nearby Best Western, and shaking its head as it continued on.

Gimme an S! Gimme an L! Gimme a U! Gimme a T!

2:45 – We pull up to the casino, immediately spot a car window sticker stating “Cougar Cheerleadering”. Clearly, this can mean be only one of two things: older women who dress up like cheerleaders at singles bars OR cheerleaders who rally you on to seek out said older women. Both options are strangely appealing.

3:30 – I sit down at a Texas Hold ‘em table. Everyone immediately stares me down and starts laughing. People are so friendly here! I’ve got $100 to spend on this table for a while, I think I’ll do well.

3:33 – Start humming Lady Gaga. I soon regret this faux pas when the dealer cracks me over the head with a stool and continues to deal. Must be more of a Britney fan.

3:38 – I’ve got $75 left. It’s still good! It’s still good!

3:43 – $40 left. It’s still still good! It’s still good!

3:50 – $10 left. It’s still good!

3:55 – And like that, I’m done. Planned to lose no more than $200 all night and I’m down half of it within 25 minutes of gambling. Fantastic start.

5:01 – I’ve circled the casino 20 times in the last hour in a nervous attempt to find my bearings. If I skitter any faster I might turn back time in the casino a la Superman.

5:15 – We regroup, settle down for cheesesteaks. This will be the best use of my money all night. I still feel sick afterward, but at least my shame is mostly internalized.

5:45 – Coworkers return to their tables. Either the dread of losing more money or the gallon of cheese whiz I consumed is turning my stomach so much I can’t handle any more cards. I decide to play nature show host to the creatures that inhabit the casino and people watch for a while. “People” is loosely defined here.
(more…)

Sometimes, I absolutely love being a huge nerd. Minus my sex life, social life, any kind of professional nature and maturity as a man in his mid-twenties, it’s pretty damn sweet. Wear a lame t-shirt? Get my ass kicked in a bar? Spend an entire lunch break discussing how the Enterprise would win in a fight against the Death Star? It’s all good, cause I’m a geek. It’s like a “Get of Jail Free” card, but for doing anything cool.

I looked like this, but without all those ‘muscles’ getting in my way

Hell, I could even do something crazy like…oh I dunno, spend tons of cash and man hours (not to mention credibility as a productive member of society) to produce a light up green lantern ring for the sole purpose of wearing it as a small part of a Halloween costume. That’s just a theoretical example, of course.

Unfortunately, not everyone is quite so lucky. The vast majority of people are stuck in that middle area where they’re too cool to give up and say “fuck it, I’m going to play Rock Band with a plastic guitar” and not cool enough to be a John Lennon level rock star actually depicted in a Rock Band game.

I got news for you. In their lifetimes John Wayne peed himself every now and then, Bruce Lee would get untimely boner shame and JFK got shot down by girls. No one is lucky enough to have “everything come up Milhouse” 24/7.

I say embrace the times few and far between when being a goofy son of a bitch is socially acceptable. Should you find yourself in any of the following situations, sit back and enjoy the ride. You can only get away with it every so often.

Currying favor with Sports gods
This includes any sort of special dances, lucky (read: smelly and unwashed) pieces of clothing, or strange rituals that may or may not involve the sacrifice of a small woodland creature. From cheering on your fantasy team to pulling for your guys in October, the time honored tradition of acting like a jackass is far reaching. Fair warning, telling your significant other that she must leave the room because she’s jinxing the team will not be looked upon kindly.
Example: A cardboard sign reading John 3:16 and a rainbow wig. Go Giants! (?)

Halloween
Let me say again, because it bears repeating: I dressed up like the Green Lantern, complete with spandex shirt and a black mask with a glowing ring around the streets of NYC AND on top of that I wound up talking to a really cute girl at the end of the night. Explain to me in what other context I could pull that off? Magic of Halloween, folks.
Example: Slutty policewoman, Slutty cat, Slutty fire hydrant

21st birthday
Turning 21 is your “last licks” at being a teenager. Sure, your teen years technically ended when you turned 20, but there’s that nice 1 year grace period as you transition out of it, so that you can slowly stop being so damn angsty. Now, you’re 21 and legally allowed to drink. Put down the PBR and pick up a real drink (just as soon as you do a few body shots first).
Example: 21 shots in a night? Start looking forward to that first AA meeting.

Childhood
Those lucky sons of bitches just sitting around, pooping themselves and eating glue. When you’re 3, it’s all water under the bridge. I did that Tuesday and got the dirtiest looks from my coworkers. See if I share my Flintstones phone with you during Show ‘n Tell next week. Note, this also applies if you’re old and senile. Only 60 more years to go!
Example: I know I can fit this quarter up my nose. Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Performing a bar bet
Just to clarify, “socially acceptable” applies to the group of friends you’re with and the time frame of said bet. The first law of a bar bet is any act of stupidity must be met with equal and opposite respect. Newtonian physics, bitches.
Example: I bet I can fit this quarter up my nose. Woooooo!

In a porno
Anything goes in a porno. Doin’ it with the cable guy. Doin’ it with sexy aliens. Doin’ it with the lights on. Even as you read this, top men in the field of sexology (aside: that’s apparently a real word, as spell check didn’t correct me) are currently working on the effects of zero gravity on silicone.
Example: Ron Jeremy, a man who looks like Mario on a drunken bender, has slept with more hot women (at the same time!) than you will ever see walking down the street. Baffling.

Hollywood in the 80’s
How else do you explain Steve Guttenberg’s career? Ok, yes, the Stonecutters as well.
Example: Every 80’s movie (except for anything by John Hughes. 16 candles!? sigh…)

Before you run out the door with your new found freedom, let’s pump the brakes a second. While the above are special cases, let’s not forget the mistakes of those who’ve gone before us. I’d be morally remiss if I didn’t shed some light on the fact that these are exceptions to the rule. As a precaution, make sure not to fall into the trap of believing the following are loopholes when, in fact, they are even more so stringent bearing to said rule:

Being Drunk, on drugs, or intoxicated in any way.
A close cousin to the bar bet, as that bit of social lubricant (teeheehee) is what starts all the fun in the first place. Drunk shaming happens for a reason: to teach you not to be a jackass. Alcohol does not give you free reign to act like an asshole. Living in NYC does.

In Love
Just the opposite, everything you do in love can and will be held against you in a court of law (“law” loosely interpreted here as the ball busting that ensues when your friends find out). There is a reason men don’t openly talk about taking their wives to see Julia Roberts movies when their buddies are around. You may have gotten lucky with that lavender candle and quiche you made, but you haven’t paid for it until your friends find out.

Teenage years
I don’t care who you are or how cool you were in high school, at some point you tried to dress up like Vanilla Ice, Kid and/or Play, Don Johnson, etc. depending on what era you group up in. If you can find a single photo from your teenage years where you said “wow, that’s a great haircut”, congrats. You peaked in high school and are currently working in a Denny’s.

The internet
I know what you’re thinking. “The internet? Anything goes there!” False. Logic is merely twisted here. If you want to find pictures of a crossover romance between Johny Five from Short Circuit and Robocop, somewhere in the world there is a person posting said short story to their blog. The converse is, though, that you will also be ridiculed for not being obsessive enough. You confuse your rickrolling with a lemon party and you’re in trouble. If you don’t know what either are, stay out of the internet. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Looks like you're trying to create an operating system. Need some help?

And on the seventh edition, Gates rested… on top of a huge pile of money. Windows 7 has been released and it’s very exciting news… for people who look forward to having new technology to shout at. There are some notable changes that will make consumers want to show Windows the door and boot it out, not up.

There are so many errors, they should change its name to “Wind’ohs.” Surveys show Americans believe screwing up is more amusing when Homer Simpson is doing it.

Windows is like hitting on a girl at a bar. Most of the time, you can predict when you’ll get shut down, but there are still plenty of instances where you get shut down unexpectedly.

Windows is so susceptible to viruses, users have been asked to get it a swine flu vaccine.

Windows needs so much protection, Trojan has put a latex coating over the installation disc.

What does a man whose last name is Gates know about making Windows? You wouldn’t expect a guy named Schumacher to tailor your suit competently.

It leads to committing one of the seven deadly sins: envy. All Windows users envy Linux and Mac ones. Windows itself is guilty of another: sloth.

Minesweeper has been replaced by Mindsweeper, a game that erases horrible Windows experiences from memory.

That adorable and precocious little Asian girl from the “I’m a PC” ads is actually Microsoft’s top software engineer. She’s busy working on the next update, Windows Pink Sparkles.

In addition to sleep mode, there is now coma mode, where your computer will wake up randomly between a week to 16 months after you ask it to.

Due to popular demand, Microsoft Office now includes Word, Excel, Outlook, PowerPoint and episodes of The Office (American version).  When a co-worker remarks about the apps, “I wish this package was bigger and better,” you’ll be there to respond with a timely, “That’s what she said!”