Marc and I have certainly butted heads before. There was the time in summer of 2001 when we fought over Bloodsport vs. Kickboxer being Van Damme’s greater movie about the exact same character. And again, in 2003, blood was drawn over who England’s greatest prime minister was (Lord Palmerston!). There was even that time in 2006 when we, through a series of comic missteps, managed to undo the very fabric of space and time. That’ll make you a bit cranky in the morning.
Now, we’re facing a serious crisis. The Yankees are playing the Phillies in the World Series. Giants face the Eagles in Week 8. And, most importantly, we’re going head to head in fantasy football. I’m just waiting for us to hop in the ring of death a la Star Trek
As of writing this, Marc and I are barely on speaking terms. I’ve threatened to create a doomsday-like device disguised as a cheesesteak. Marc responded by threatening to “club me and eat my bones” as something of an ogre. Instead, we’ve decided to badmouth the other’s beloved city and let you the audience (the true victims here) decide:
Marc:
She’s Almost Famous
There are only two things to do in the Bronx: get mugged and watch a Yankees game. I don’t recommend either activity.
The Steinbrenners defy stereotpyes by being Jews who willingly spend money. How dare they? This country was built on stereotypes!
New Yorkers are proud of a gift from France. That’s downright un-American. If the Statue of Liberty was in Philly, they’d have sunk it or at least remodeled it to look like Rocky years ago.
Kate Hudson is just as contaminated as the refuse-riddled river she shares a surname with. If the team ever wants to become the Skankies, she’s the perfect mascot.
Here’s how hostile New Yorkers are: if one gives you the middle finger, you’ve just made a new friend. If they are female, congratulations, you landed a date!
A box for a large pizza is about the same size as a Manhattan apartment, but costs $2,175 less per month (more if you want luxuries such as a bathroom or window).
New Yorkers aren’t the only people who take better care of their dogs than their children (see: L.A.), but they are the only crowd whose kids so closely resemble their dogs.
I’m not saying the cockroaches in NYC are big, but they use public transportation to get around.
I’m not saying the cockroaches in NYC are everywhere, but my landlord was one. Ok, she was an old Greek lady, but they never die, either.
New York is the type of place where Donald Trump is respected. Even Atlantic City doesn’t stoop that low.
New Yorkers are wary of walking down streets that don’t reek of urine.
If New Yorkers are so cultured, why are the plays on Broadway always decades-old Disney movies?
They call it Fire Island because the STD you’ll inevitably contract while visiting will make your genitals burn.
New Jersey may be New York’s dumpster, but Long Island is clearly the burning tire yard.
Queens serves as Rikers Island’s prison yard.
If your cab driver doesn’t nearly get into three accidents during your ride, you’re not obligated to tip.
In Brooklyn, you are considered sophisticated if you put anchovies on your pizza.
In Williamsburg, doing something for unironic reasons is a punishable offense (the guilty party is usually forced to wear roomy jeans and a t-shirt without an 80s reference on it).
Will:
Philadelphia is often referred to as “The City of Brotherly Love” and “The City That Loves You Back”, which is a bastardization of their founding nickname “We’re all a bunch of filthy whores”.
The Muppets in their feature length film “The Muppets Take Manhattan” were originally going to take Philadelphia. When appearing on location, though, the locals told Kermit that “they don’t care for your kind ’round here”.
The overwhelming stench that hangs over New Jersey actually originated from Philadelphia, but not even that stink could stand to be around downtown Philly. That one’s a double burn.
Incidentally, the toxic dumps are actually the slack-jawed yokels on the outskirts emptying their spitoons.
Jimmy Rollins, shortstop for the Phillies, once starred in the MC Hammer video “Addams Family Groove”. I have no physical evidence, but consequently Hammer quit the music biz and went broke. I don’t believe in coincidence and, frankly, I consider him a traitor to America.
Jon Bon Jovi claims affiliation with the city. While I would consider that misfortune enough, he also brought the arena football team Philadelphia Soul to the city just so the burg could finally dispute claims they’re nothing but a bunch of “soulless inhuman monsters”. As Dick Clark, native son of Philly, has yet to die (or even age), the monster part is still up for debate.
That movie with Tom Hanks, “Philadelphia”? That really happened. In every law firm in the city. Twice. Even with straight dudes. Don’t even get me started on “Trading Places”. They had a brokerage firm run by “Dukes”!
Residents of Philly originally inspired the Nazi’s to start their book burnings, hoping they’d eventually make their way to all copies of the 1943 classic “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”.
Once described as “the very center of America’s asshole”, assholes in response furiously protested against this description of the city as it “gives a bad name to assholes nationwide”.
Will Smith was, and I quote “West Philadelphia, born and raised”. How did his hometown respond? While he was “chilling out maxing, relaxing all cool while shooting some bball outside of [his] school”, they rough him up and force him out of town. Real classy, Philly.
Finally, in the end, we decided that our hate could not be diminished, but only redirected. We agreed to disagree and locked Joe Buck in a pitching cage for a few hours. I’m pretty sure that’s common ground for all baseball fans.
