Looks like we all dodged a big bullet today. And by “we” I mean some kid out in Colorado, and by “dodged a bullet” I mean “dodged falling 10,000 feet from a helium balloon built by his alien worshiping parents”. Thankfully, he was safe and sound hiding in his attic because…well we would all feel really really bad about one white boy we don’t know who died out of stupidity in the US. So much for Darwinism. Yes, I’m a monster.

More importantly, I can write a blog post guilt free since everyone’s alright. Let’s take note of the situation and prioritize our lives (and news cycle) for the next day or two on how we can resolve to prevent future balloon catastrophes.

Sorry Falcon, you’re several decades too late to make an album cover

• Convince Han Solo to circle the globe non stop. What better to save a boy name Falcon than the pilot of the Millenium Falcon? Humphrey Bogart is excused from duty, as the kid is from Colorado, not Malta, and therefore not a Maltese Falcon.
• Call out Lucky the Leprachaun on his bullshit. Hearts, Stars, Clovers, Horseshoes and Blue Moons, Pots of Gold and rainbows and…what else? That’s right, RED BALLOONS. You get off your hobbit ass and you fly your magic fucking rainbow up to save that kid next time, it’s your jurisdiction.
• Ban helium, and consequently balloons, from public use without proper licensing. In addition, create a branch of Homeland Security headed by Bozo the Clown, to be named Secretary of Balloon doggies.
• Also on the restricted list are the following songs movies: Kenny Loggins’ “Highway to the Danger Zone”, Sugar Ray’s “Fly” and Creed’s “Take Me Higher”. Not that we’re afraid they’ll cause copycat cases, I just think they’re terrible.
• Islam, your main man flew around on a flying horse. Get back in everyone’s good graces and make something happen. Greeks? You’ve got Pegasus. I’m looking in your direction too. Fuck you unicorns, you’re useless.
• As the natural enemy of the Balloon Boy, create an army of Moops. Wait, no, that’s how you take down a bubble boy in Trivial Pursuit.
• As a precaution, the 2009 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has been canceled. And you thought you were going to get beat up just for having the name “Falcon”…
• Since the folks have already been on one TV show, “Wife Swap”, maybe we can get them in another series, “Keep an eye on your fucking 6 year old kid, Jackasses”. Admittedly, the title could use some work, but it’s hosted by Ryan Seacrest, so that’s promising.
• We could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing’s the way it seems. That really only comes in handy for making obscure Simpsons quotes.
• Require everyone in the US to read “Diary of Anne Frank”. The kid was in an attic the whole time. It’s not a new hiding spot, people. At the very least, they can watch a few episodes of Arrested Development.
• Indiana Jones will serve as Air Marshall for all future Ballooning expeditions. “No ticket” indeed.

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