Pictures like this are why I love the internet

I think I’ve finally snapped, though it may not be for the reasons you assume: 1) hearing one too many people compare “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” to Jeopardy, 2) been sniffed by the creepy dude on my corner who “thinks I’m purty like a school boy” (though…flattering?) 3) debated for the umpteenth time with someone why Batman would beat Superman in a fight (he’s got Kryptonite brass knuckles, folks, and he’s fucking Batman. That’s your reason right there).

Nope, I’m afraid it’s the flood of unwanted spam I get on every site I turn to now. My Gmail account is inundated with messages about replica rolexes. I hit up Facebook and I see ads for gaming Google. I pop open my Twitter client only to get flooded with tweet spam (“speeted”, which is exactly as dirty as it sounds). While I could wait for “The Raptor” (which is much like “the rapture”, only velociraptor Jesus comes down and hunts down the wicked…and delicious), I think it’s only fair that I do my part in curtailing a threat that has no reason to stop and shows no signs of slowing.

I decided to keep a running journal as I prepared my hunt for said spammers. It’s either a testament of my last days on Earth if I don’t come back, or Exhibit A in my eventual trial should I succeed.

Day 1:
Spent 6 hours attempting to develop psychic powers, namely telekinesis, pyrokinesis, and telepathy. Gave up after concentrating so hard I managed to poop myself. Don’t think that’ll inspire much fear. Don’t have “gorilla-like throwing abilities” to channel said poop, either.

Day 2:
Watched Rambo, Predator, and Red Dawn. Can now make an explosive arrow out of some AOL cds, a motherboard and some ethernet cable. Ok, not so much an explosive arrow as “a bunch of shit duct taped together”. Still, I feel like MacGuyver.

Day 3:
Decided to invest in a muscle shirt and some disposable friends who will each be picked off one by one, forcing me later to avenge their deaths. If only there were a soulless corporation selling such at discounted prices…of course, Walmart!

Called up Walmart. Apparently “human lives are precious and what you’re talking about is barbaric”. What’s “barbaric” are your prices for a wife-beater, good sir. Scrapped both ideas.

Day 4:
Thought of an alternative: Flying down to Florida to pick up some old folks to use as decoys. Can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

Three hours later, 3 are asleep, 2 have wandered off and got lost, rest have soiled themselves. So far my plans have been nothing but pooping. Disconcerting.

Day 5:
Created a robot exoskeleton suit with which to do battle. Has several modes including “eviscerate”, “exenterate” and “dessicate”. Damned if I know what they do, but they sound flippin’ sweet.

Realized there’s no fucking way I’m getting this on a plane to travel with and I don’t own a big enough truck to transport it. Plus, everyone would think I’m “overcompensating” for something. Traded it with creepy corner guy outside my building for some “magic beans”. Amazed I haven’t been scammed by spammers before.

Day 6:
Corner guy is now “King of the Hobos”. Good for him!

As for myself, I stopped by White Castle and ordered 20 burgers. Hey, Rocky had his training diet of raw eggs, I’ve got mine. Magic beans also proved useless. They are neither musical nor a fruit. Stupid corner guy.

Day 7:
Thought of some ironic forms of punishment: feed captive spammer viagra with two playboy playmates just our of reach, forced to eat spam while watching Clay Aiken in Spamalot. Don’t know where I’ll find 2 playmates, don’t want to come in any sort of contact with Clay Aiken.

Day 8:
None of my planning has come to any fruition. Dunno how I’ll make it to Nigeria. Blending in might be a little tough too. Finally giving up and watching some TV. At least the most annoying ads there are only Billy Mays, and that problem’s already been taken care of. Too soon?

This entry was posted on Friday, September 4th, 2009 at 8:31 am and is filed under headlines. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.