Put down the onion dip and prepare to call your bookie because Concentrated Awesome has some pigskin predictions for the upcoming NFL season. Since our tips are totally free, they may also be wildly inaccurate. Nonetheless, we’re confident that thanks to our expertise you’ll probably earn some money or at least wind up not completely crippled (still might be a good idea to put a wheelchair at the top of your X-Mas wish list.)
Philadelphia. All wins orchestrated by Michael Vick will be known as “Vicktories.” When he loses, he’ll have a hangdog expression on his face.
Dallas. The Cowboys spent $40 million on a scoreboard that hangs too low. Cialis will outbid Viagra to sponsor it. Tony Romo’s interceptions will look amazing and awful simultaneously on a 160 foot-tall screen.
New York/Indianapolis. In a mid-season poll, fans will vote that they would rather sees Eli and Peyton Manning take on the Williams’ sisters in Oreo-eating contests over and over than watch the Giants or Colts.
Washington. Owner Daniel Snyder will continue to act like a teenage girl — being in other people’s business talking shit and he spending money like the mint’s going to stop printing it tomorrow.
Minnesota. The Vikings will petition the league to officially change the sport’s name to “Favreball.”
Chicago. Jay Cutler is being hailed as a savior. Living up to the hype, at a post-game press conference, he will turns water into Coors Light (what do you mean they’re the same thing?).
Tampa Bay is in trouble. Depp trouble.
Detroit. President Obama will declare the Lions as eligible for the “Cash for Clunkers” program. Motor City fans will trade in the team for $10 apiece.
New Orleans. Reggie Bush will begin dating Jessica Simpsons, just so fans can blame him having a sub-par season on her afterwards. She will need to be reminded frequently that the “Big Easy” is a nickname for city, not her.
Tampa Bay. The Bucs will suc. Worse than the third “Pirates of the Carribean.” There will be a mutiny towards the end of the season and new coach Raheem Morris will be tossed into the Gulf of Mexico.
Arizona. Phoenix residents will complain that at the tender age of 38, Kurt Warner is too young to lead this team.
St. Louis. Stephen Jackson’s will reveal his dreadlocks are symbolic — they signify his “dread” of playing for the Rams.
Seattle. Fans will create popular T-shirts with the following phrase: “Don’t Hassle the Back of Hassleback.”
New England. Bill Belichick will go sleeveless this season. Tom Brady will reveal he was bred in a lab, from mannequin DNA.
Miami/San Diego. Fans in these cities won’t pay attention to the Dolphins or Chargers until December, because, hey, they live in Miami/San Diego, not God-forsaken Buffalo or Cleveland.
Denver. Brandon Marshall will display a new level of wide receiver crazy — by painting a face on a football, calling it Mr. Sammy Seamhead Jr., and directing all questions during interviews to Mr. Seamhead — that will put T.O. to shame in that category.
Pittsburgh. Casino-related Ben Roethlisberger jokes will run rampant (example: Why does Ben say blackjack reminds him of dating? In both, he’s trying to get 21-or-under!). The Steelers will adopt the slogan, “Just Wynn, baby!”
Cincinnati. Chad “Ocho Cinco” will take a night class in basic Spanish and be embarrassed by how grammatically incorrect his nickname is.
Tennessee. Vince Young will argue that he was misquoted when he declared he would be the next black quarterback to win a Super Bowl. He said “soup bowl”( he had a good feeling about the raffle at a recent Tupperware party he attended).
