The recent Cash for Clunkers program has really taken off over the last few weeks, so much so that the program has already run out of funding and is looking for a second round from Congress. Now when people say to you “Why are you still riding that old pile of crap?” you’ll know they only mean your wife.

Then again, why limit ourselves to only removing old cars off the road? Hell, I think there are some folks out there that could use a similar trade in deal. I’m not saying we need to hire a hit squad (that’s what Obama’s death panels are for). I’m just saying that there are a few celebs we could wean out of the spotlight to give room to some new models (figuratively and literally).

1) Lou Dobbs – A rusted out Buick Skylark on cinder blocks
Yeah, I’m sure he was great back in the day (the mesozoic era), but he’s turned into the dilapidated car across the street from you. Plea all you want to your neighbors (CNN), it will fall on deaf ears despite his disservice to both sight and sound for some time now. He does have a good grasp on the fossil fuel crisis, as he’s been around since said fossils were walking the earth.

2) John Madden – A Chevy Oldsmobile
Your dad loved it and growing up, so did you. Like a part of the family, well into your teen years when you don’t know how you made it through a Sunday without it. Nowadays, you wonder why you put up with something so gassy and noisy, whose wide trunk can barely make it through a tunnel without bumping into a few walls. Not to mention, you’re never quite sure when the next “BAM!” will be his last.

3) Jack Nicholson – A Cadillac
Pure classic, the Nicholson has never let you down. There’s a reason he’s never gone out of style. The kind of ride you see on the street and always has 2 or 3 ladies hanging off of it, and with good reason. Lately, the finish is a bit more dinged up and he certainly doesn’t get around as well as he used to. You can try to update it with newer models (Christian Slater) but let’s not ruin the memory any further.

4) Pamela Anderson – A Pink Ferrari
The hot ride you remember from your early pubescence, wondering how other guys manage to pull this. Once you hop in one, though, it’s louder than you realized and less fun when you’re actually driving it around. Nowadays, you just know she’s had one too many dudes pulling her top down and opening it up on the road. Plus, in any kind of serious accident you’re just as likely to get killed by the airbags.

5) Mike Tyson – A flaming Ford Pinto careening off a cliff
You wonder why anyone would stick around with him for any extended period of time, as you never know when he’s likely to explode. Punching it usually involves a couple lost teeth and a trip to the emergency room. If you lose only a bit of your ear lobe, be thankful.

6) Ice Cube – A Minivan with spinners
Here’s a man who’s gone from starting NWA to driving off in an SUV. Losing your edge is one thing, but the man has done more than his fair share of family flicks, having come “Straight Outta Compton” and parked himself directly in your living room. You have to wonder if his drive by’s these days are more for playing soccer mom.

7) Sylvester Stallone – A Dodge Charger
The epitome of a muscle car when he first came out, he won’t have the same get up and go as he used to, except at 3am to take a pee. He’s been trying to rebuild himself for years, usually pulling the same stunts he had in the 70s, though “fuel injecting” himself with steroids has since left with fewer working “parts” these days.

William Shatner – A DeLorean
Never the most reliable, as he’ll start sputter and stop at seemingly random intervals. Shatner’s become the aging geek mainstay that is most likely much cooler in our imaginations that in real life. Sure, it’d be cool to pull up along side Shatner, but other than referencing old school Sci-Fi, he has little other use.

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