If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s my undying hatred of the platypus. These fuckers have been on easy street for years. “But they’re just cute mammals that also lay eggs,” you say. Fuck. That. They’re nature’s freak show – half duck/half beaver – not to mention the little known fact that their hind claws are venomous, like some mythological creature. Really want to know how far back my feud with platypuses goes? Let’s just say that before they met me, they were called platy-tough-fucking-bad-asses.

But if there are two things you should know (hear me out, this one isn’t a gripe with the animal kingdom), it’s that I’m also a die hard gamer. Have been since Frogger with my first atari 2600 back in the day. If it weren’t for hours spent playing that cartridge, I might’ve had to learn road saftey from a crossing guard. I shudder at the very thought. Growing up, my parents would measure my yearly growth by the ever-rising holes put in the wall next to the TV. For a period of time, I could only curse in Korean, after several months of Starcraft marathons (now I can swear fluently in several Asian languages). During my teen years, I became an amateur electronics enthusiast after soldering together smashed SNES controllers I couldn’t afford to replace. Those were some do-it-yourself repairs Bob Villa was never going to teach me.

That’s why the topic of this post holds a very near and dear place in my heart. To show you how seriously I’m taking this, I’m not drunk right now. Much like Bill Simmons described 10 levels of losing for sports, there are 10 levels of frustration with video games. I give you now my sliding scale of reasons to say “Fuck this game!”.

1.0 – Your Princess is in another castle
No big deal. Games aren’t fun if they don’t have a little challenge. Occasionally you fall in a hole, get chomped by a piranha plant, etc. until you reach the end of the level and there’s only Toad. You haven’t quite “lost,” but you certainly didn’t succeed in finding your princess, just a short fat dude with a pension for shrooms. Kinda like hanging out at your local 7-11.
Notable games: SMB series

2.0 – The Gretzky NHL ’94 factor
No matter how good you are at gaming, everyone takes a Chris Brown-style beating now and then. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy getting a your face pulverized when it happens. Hence, the Gretzky/NHL ’94 factor. You see him go down, blood spilling from his head and you think “Dammit, Gretzky’s done for the game but man that’s flippin’ sweet seeing him laid out on the ice!”. Likewise, in Blades of Steel, when the player who LOSES a fight gets the penalty, while the victor stays in. So much for sportsmanship.
Notable games: NHL ’94, Blades of Steel, Basewars, Arch Rivals

3.0 – Blowing into your NES cartridge
I’m pretty sure my early years playing the clarinet were sharply honed by this rite of passage for anyone of the 8-bit generation. Of course, the more you alternated between the blinking gray box limbo of the NES and spraying spittle into the game, the more pissed you got. It usually peaked at about a 4.5 or a 5.0, because at that point your lungs would collapse, causing you to faceplant into the console as you passed out. It was good training if you wanted to become a smoker later in life.
Notable games: Every NES game at some point in it’s lifetime

4.0 – Mismatched racial/sexual epithets
Confused about your sexuality? In need of clarification on just why you’re a horrible human being? Look no further than online gameplay! Only someone who has seen you play 5 minutes of a video game can truly delve deep into your psyche to know that since you killed them with a sniper rifle, you’re a “total homo fag who probably likes dudes.” Yes, for the past decade, online gamers have been giving gay people the courage they need to come out of the closet.  These anonymous insults and graphics scenarios involving one’s mother would probably be higher on the scale, except that it’s hard to take the abuse seriously when it’s being screeched by a 12-year-old pre-pubescent boy over Xbox Live.
Notable games: Halo, Halo 2, Halo 3, every Halo game that is yet to be made. Counterstrike, Barbie Horse Adventures

4.5 – Obscure trial-and-error “puzzles”
There are more games from the NES library than you remember that fit this description, usually with a fresh paint of “nostalgia” over it to cover up some ugliness underneath. As much as I love my classics, there is not a chance in hell I would’ve figured out where some dungeons in the original Zelda were, had it not been for Nintendo Power (which I’m convinced to this day is the modern equivalent of Holy Scripture).
Notable games: Legend of Zelda, Castlevania 2, 90% of games for TurboGrafx-16

5.0 – Your friend chooses Ken every round (after you pick Ryu), only throws hadokens
Listen you stupid son of a bitch, I’m glad you figured out a special move, but try changing up your attack. I haven’t dodged this many “fireballs” since I was at camp avoiding my redheaded counselor who just “wanted to break-in his new leotard”.
Notable games: Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, every fighting game released during the mid-90s

For a time, doctors would use this to determine “special needs” students

5.5 – The weakest “Link”
Your jackass little brother found one of the secrets in the original Zelda, and what does he pick? The fucking red potion. The same red potion you could get for a couple rupees any time you want to. That’s why Mom doesn’t let him shop for groceries when we go to the store. Also included is that asshat who grabs the pizza in TMNT 2 despite having full health, while you’re struggling to survive on your last bar. Just step on my head while I’m drowning and save us both the trouble.
Notable games: Legend of Zelda, TMNT 2: The Arcade Game, Golden Axe

6.0 – The spawn/corpse camper
You mother fucker. You’ve got nothing better to do than sit right by my spawn point and pick me off as soon as I appear. I don’t have any of my shit, and your lvl 71 Night Elf with elite loot is guarding the body of my lvl 4 gnome. Way to be, prick. Should I actually manage to snag my stuff back and build my character up to a respectable level for a duel, you ass goblins (those ARE a race in WoW, right?) will ragequit the second before they die.
Notable Games: World of Warcraft, Team Fortress 2

6.5 – Password systems
Let’s see if this rings a bell. You’re playing a video game and just wrapping up, when suddenly you realize you can’t find a sheet of paper. You find the back of a receipt lying by the phone, jot down some obscure numbers/letters (I could be summoning the dark one for all I know), and power off. Next day, you either a) lost the sheet of paper or b) were off by one character making that piece of paper not good enough to wipe your butt with. Stupid “O” versus “Zero with the slash through it”.
Notable games: Metroid, Punchout, Megaman

7.0 – Limited continues/lives
Dear Lord, if this isn’t a reason for a man to kill (don’t quote me that on my future murder trial). What an archaic ass-backwards system. If it wasn’t for the Contra code, I would lend more credence to the theory that video games inspire violence in kids. That’s right folks, the Contra code gives lives and saves lives. It’s in the Bible, you know.
Notable games: Contra, Double Dragon

7.5 – Unskippable instructions/cut scenes
I just want to play my fucking game already…I don’t care how pretty the androgynous hero looks in 3D against a brightly pastel colored semi-futuristic steam punk city flying in the sky (I’m looking at you Square Enix), I want to get back to mashing the attack button repeatedly during your ridiculously pointless and convoluted side quests. But I’m getting off track here.
Notable games: Every Final Fantasy game after 6

8.0 – The loose power plug
Also known as “it’s 4 in the morning and I hadn’t saved in the last 5 hours.” When that cord slips from the wall, so too does your grip on your remaining sanity. I swear I saw the AC adaptor jump from the outlet more than once. Don’t get me started on the “Hold reset while you power off” hard hack for the NES. Without fail, your next gaming session always starts out with “shit, I really hope it saved last time” ’til the battery eventually wears out (or your first heart attack, whichever comes first).
Notable games: Legend of Zelda 1 & 2, Dragon Warrior (Quest) 1-8

9.0 – Absurd levels of difficulty
These games are so near-impossible that they should award a Nobel Prize for beating them. It’s about time the stuck-up Swedes acknowledged gaming prowess properly. I think I read on gamefaqs.com that the end credits for Battletoads contains the cure for cancer. It’s too fucking bad no one’s ever seen it.
Notable games: Battletoads, every Ninja Gaiden, Guitar Hero’s “Through the Fire and Flames”

10.0 – Intentionally broken gameplay to supplant difficulty
Two words: Blue Shell (I’m talking turtles, not tacos). If you’ve ever played a modern Mario Kart, it’s an injustice so huge, Johnny Cochrane might come back from beyond the grave to take the case. You’re on 150cc, you’re on Rainbow Road and you’ve literally run a perfect race. Then, the computer takes it upon itself to level the playing field by throw an unblockable item at you just before the finish line, causing you to careen off the track and into 9th place. Shigeru Miyamoto could have come into my house on Christmas morning to molest my border collie and set me on fire while telling me there’s no Santa Claus and I’d be less angry with him.
Notable games: Every Mario Kart after the SNES one, ET for the Atari, Resident Evil’s “tank movement”

Think I forgot a game? Something else (other than this blog) irritate you? Lemme know in the comments.

We’d sure hate to be behind Brett Favre at a bank, grocery store, concessions stand or even a urinal (playing poker or chess with him would be entirely out of the question). The man can’t seem to make up his mind (except about the look and comfort of Wrangler jeans). Sure, the man can throw picks, but he can’t seem to pick whether or not to play football, a decision he drags out as if it’s monumental (that Congress hasn’t held a hearing or formed a sub-committee on what he should do is a bit surprising).  A few weeks after deciding not to join the Vikings, he of course signed a contract to suit up for them (hope the team put in a “no take-backs” clause). In his head, the “NFL” stands for ‘Needs Favre League.’ To prepare for his return, we’ve revised an old children’s song, “The Cat Came Back” (since the only thing more annoying than reading another Favre article is having a repetitive kid’s tune stuck in your head).

Old Brett Favre had troubles of his own

He wanted to play football, not stay at home

He tried and tried to make his feelings go away

Instead, he went from Mississippi to Minnesota, far away.

The quarterback came back, but not to Green Bay

The quarterback came back, we thought he was retired

But the quarterback came back; he just couldn’t stay away

Favre thinks retire is something you do when the treads on your trucks wheels wear out.

The pro team around the corner swore they’d sack him on sight

They loaded up the tackle box and tried with all their might

They rushed and crushed the passer into the ground

But that old quarterback just wouldn’t stay down.

The quarterback came back, but not to Green Bay

The quarterback came back, we thought he was retired

But the quarterback came back; he just couldn’t stay away.

In New York, “Broadway Brett” lasted just one season

A league-worst 22 interceptions seemed a good reason

How the year concluded wasn’t to his liking

So he eventually signed up to be a Viking.

The quarterback came back, but not to Green Bay

The quarterback came back; he just couldn’t stay away

It’s true, the quarterback came back, the one who said he was retired

The quarterback came back, the one who used to be admired

Yes, the quarterback came back, for another chance to be a champ

The quarterback came back, and he didn’t even have to attend training camp!

Lately, everyone seems to be all up in arms about Obama’s health care package. It’s a drain on an already overburdened economy. It’s an impractical pyramid scheme that will only serve to ruin private medicine. It’ll cause a rift in the space-time continuum causing you to become your own grandfather while simultaneously leaving a funny smell in the back of your closet you just can’t quite pinpoint.

That doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun with it. For example, these Death Panels? Don’t distance yourself from it, Obama, embrace the idea! With a little bit of desperation, you can get people to do some crazy shit for the sake of some pills. Let’s lay out some ground rules for those who really need that next dose of insulin. Scarf down another box of Oreos and I’ll think about giving you your next shot.

Anyway, if I were in power (and God help you when realize my ambitions to harness the raw potential of hipster irony) here’s a couple requirements beneficiaries must meet to receive any governmental care:

Reigning tramp champion (trampion):
Bloggin’ Bobby Jones

• Survive “Hobo Chicken”, a game requiring you to out-crazy a NYC hobo. Points are typically scored for such accomplishments as screaming at mailboxes, accusing squirrels of “stealing your brainwaves” and fighting off the invisible orangutans living in your cardboard box. Funny enough, the homeless themselves are automatically included in the health care bill, as they provide insincere causes for Democrats and comic fodder for Republicans
• Applicants fail if you roll doubles 3 times in a row or land on luxury tax, but can still get out by using your “get out of death panel” free card
• The First 3 Prequels of Star Wars. There’s no test here, I just think the movies themselves should be euthanized.
• Speaking of Star Wars, though, registrants must prove Jedi prowess by battling a rancor. Better start practicing your light saber skills, grandma.
• Defend a 10 minute dissertation on the one of the following topics: How a Voltron vs. Devastator battle would play out (separate and formed up, obviously); why Tygra’s one weakness (inability to swim) is some seriously weak ass shit; or how recombinant DNA from history’s craziest fucking psychopath leaders (Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Khan, etc.) plus a little snake for flavor can somehow create such a lame ass bad guy as Serpentor. If choosing the third, every other sentence must end in “This I command”.
• All associated parties of the Detroit Lions automatically fail. Not just members of the team, I’m talking head office, the franchise, physical sports paraphernalia relating to them and possibly the animal itself.
• All patients must maintain mandatory gym membership and attendance. I don’t really care about the health benefits, I just want to see people choose to be euthanized rather than run on a treadmill every now and then.
• Convince Brett Favre to retire. If something’s gotta die, it might as well be his career.
• Douchebags who have sincerely popped their collar, tattooed a tribal band around their bicep or frosted the tips of their hair can’t fail this fast enough. So help me God, if you’ve done all three you will be fired out of a catapult into the Grand Canyon.
• On command, recite all 9 ringers from Mr. Burns’ softball team on the Simpsons. Failing to accomplish such will result in a beating with baseball bats.
• Finally, I think we can all agree on mercy killing for people with the following songs stuck in their head: Styx – “Come Sail Away”, Baha men – “Who Let the Dogs Out”, and any Raffie song, particularly “This is the song that never ends” and “Banaphone”. I might have to apply early for this one now…

Bollywood actor Shah Rukh Khan was held for questioning after landing in Newark, N.J. ( because Indian people are seldom seen in the garden state), by airport security. Khan was eventually released, but only after he wowed security forces with a grand song and dance routine (Bill Clinton was going to intervene until he learned Khan was a male Bollywood star). Concentrated Awesome has obtained the lyrics to that tune.

These security guards

Are a bunch of retards

How dare they abuse their authority?

By comparison, I’m the less suspicious-looking minority!

Not a one recognized my name

And so I was detained

Though I’m bigger than Cruise, Pitt and Bale

Next time, he’ll fly Khan Air.

They thought about throwing me in jail

Their excuse was “We must serve and protect”

Sure, and cricket is just an insect!

For an hour, they kept me cuffed

And searched through my private stuff

They tore apart my suitcase

And squeezed out all my toothpaste

Under threats of harm I confessed

To liking Colgate more than Crest.

After my long international journey

I didn’t except to need an attorney

It’s only natural I got pissed

When their first question was, “Are you a terrorist?”

And I found that insulting and weird

Until they asked where I was hiding my beard.

Then, when I said I was famous

They stuck a hand up my anus

In my country, I get praised

While in America, I get tased

I can’t wait to return to Mumbai

It’s sure beats having a flashlight shined in your eye.

The way I’ve been treated is absurd

I will make my voice heard

At customs, I plan to declare

Even if it causes people to stop and stare

It’s strange that Wendy’s hamburgers are square

(yes, I eat cow and what’s it to you?/ I’m Muslim, not Hindu)

And also this country isn’t fair

Did I mention they confiscated my underwear?

I may be India’s Marlon Brando

But that doesn’t mean I enjoy going commando!

The recent Cash for Clunkers program has really taken off over the last few weeks, so much so that the program has already run out of funding and is looking for a second round from Congress. Now when people say to you “Why are you still riding that old pile of crap?” you’ll know they only mean your wife.

Then again, why limit ourselves to only removing old cars off the road? Hell, I think there are some folks out there that could use a similar trade in deal. I’m not saying we need to hire a hit squad (that’s what Obama’s death panels are for). I’m just saying that there are a few celebs we could wean out of the spotlight to give room to some new models (figuratively and literally).

1) Lou Dobbs – A rusted out Buick Skylark on cinder blocks
Yeah, I’m sure he was great back in the day (the mesozoic era), but he’s turned into the dilapidated car across the street from you. Plea all you want to your neighbors (CNN), it will fall on deaf ears despite his disservice to both sight and sound for some time now. He does have a good grasp on the fossil fuel crisis, as he’s been around since said fossils were walking the earth.

2) John Madden – A Chevy Oldsmobile
Your dad loved it and growing up, so did you. Like a part of the family, well into your teen years when you don’t know how you made it through a Sunday without it. Nowadays, you wonder why you put up with something so gassy and noisy, whose wide trunk can barely make it through a tunnel without bumping into a few walls. Not to mention, you’re never quite sure when the next “BAM!” will be his last.

3) Jack Nicholson – A Cadillac
Pure classic, the Nicholson has never let you down. There’s a reason he’s never gone out of style. The kind of ride you see on the street and always has 2 or 3 ladies hanging off of it, and with good reason. Lately, the finish is a bit more dinged up and he certainly doesn’t get around as well as he used to. You can try to update it with newer models (Christian Slater) but let’s not ruin the memory any further.

4) Pamela Anderson – A Pink Ferrari
The hot ride you remember from your early pubescence, wondering how other guys manage to pull this. Once you hop in one, though, it’s louder than you realized and less fun when you’re actually driving it around. Nowadays, you just know she’s had one too many dudes pulling her top down and opening it up on the road. Plus, in any kind of serious accident you’re just as likely to get killed by the airbags.

5) Mike Tyson – A flaming Ford Pinto careening off a cliff
You wonder why anyone would stick around with him for any extended period of time, as you never know when he’s likely to explode. Punching it usually involves a couple lost teeth and a trip to the emergency room. If you lose only a bit of your ear lobe, be thankful.

6) Ice Cube – A Minivan with spinners
Here’s a man who’s gone from starting NWA to driving off in an SUV. Losing your edge is one thing, but the man has done more than his fair share of family flicks, having come “Straight Outta Compton” and parked himself directly in your living room. You have to wonder if his drive by’s these days are more for playing soccer mom.

7) Sylvester Stallone – A Dodge Charger
The epitome of a muscle car when he first came out, he won’t have the same get up and go as he used to, except at 3am to take a pee. He’s been trying to rebuild himself for years, usually pulling the same stunts he had in the 70s, though “fuel injecting” himself with steroids has since left with fewer working “parts” these days.

William Shatner – A DeLorean
Never the most reliable, as he’ll start sputter and stop at seemingly random intervals. Shatner’s become the aging geek mainstay that is most likely much cooler in our imaginations that in real life. Sure, it’d be cool to pull up along side Shatner, but other than referencing old school Sci-Fi, he has little other use.

Bill Clinton returned from a successful diplomatic trip to North Korea, which resulted in the release of two captured journalists. Here are some things he learned during his visit.

“Kim” is not just a girl’s name (Clinton packed his silk boxers for nothing).

The Korean BBQ in D.C. is actually better.

Pyongyang does not have a sister city called “Pyongyin.”

Jong-il believes Super Mario World is a secret piece of land owned by the Japanese. He is also concerned about what a Sonic Hedgehog is capable of.

By all accounts, the dictator is il-tempered.

Just like in the U.S., the north largely ignores the south while silently judging it as inferior.

Bringing a Lil’ Kim album and a “Failure to Launch” DVD as gag gifts was a bad idea.  Turns out, Jong-il hates rap and Matthew McConaughey (he may be mad, but he’s got taste).

Light running is the only form of exercise allowed. All Koreans must refer to it as “Jongging.”

Jong-il wears sunglasses so often because he’s had his eyes modified to be able to shoot laser beams.

The Koreans lack the proper technology to start a nuclear weapons program. They can’t even get their VCRs to stop flashing “12:00.” Clinton had to set the time on Jong-il’s. The dictator was so happy that he could record “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” he set the prisoners free.

You could say 50 Cent has a nose for business. The rapper is planning to launch his own cologne (so it’s perfume, not Perignon, that he was urging us to open in “Crack a Bottle”), called “Power.” To push the product, he can’t go Calvin Klein post-modern or Polo preppy, he has to blend keeping it real with classy. Here’s an ad we think will work:

50's career is headed down the eau de toilette

Fellas, are you tired of having stankonia? Has ridin’ dirty become too literal? Are you funky in a bad way? Did Diddy’s scent I Am King  make you smell more like a peasant than royalty? Introducing Power, a desperate attempt by an increasingly irrelevant figure in hip-hop, er, I mean a bold new fragrance from me, 50 Cent. A pungent aroma, with hints of freshly shot flesh and essence of imported cannabis, mixed with sweat from musty gyms and grimey alleys, plus drops of my leftover VitaminWater flavor, which isn’t selling so well now that they’ve got non-threating celebrity endorsers like Dwight Howard (he may play for the Magic, but I got the magic stick, dammit). Power, a name so bland and arrogant that I had my lawyers double-check that Donald Trump never had a scent with the same title (his was eponymous, the conceited cracker). Power, the best way to smell good in the hood. Available at only the finest retailers and street corners. Purchase now and receive a free duffel bag (laundered money, handgun and rolling papers not included).

Warning: May make you irresistible to bitches and bullets.