Every now and then, we here at Concentrated Awesome have something on our chest we must get off. This time, it’s not a third nipple, but a case of robot rancor. The following is an open letter (of contempt) to Michael Bay.
Audiences have "Fallen" for it, but not this writer.
Dear Mr. Bay (please note this is the first and only instance of me being polite),
There are certain sacred American ideals and institutions that no one should seek to alter or improve upon in any way: the Declaration of Independence, Slurpees, the Grand Canyon, Roger Ebert, mini-golf and Transformers. Whether out of arrogance or sheer stupidiy, you chose to tackle a TV show the children of the 80s (a bitchy bunch to be sure; see: what you are reading right now) hold dear, one which was already turned into a well-made movie two decades earlier. Not only did you decide to shift the focus away from the robots to the largely irrelevant humans, you cast something called a Shia LaBeouf, which sounds like it should be a hot French model, but is not. I’ve read Family Circus cartoons that were more complicated than the plot. You’re not unlike al-Qaeda — when you don’t know what to do next, you blow something up. You use CGI as a crutch to cover up all your other flaws, like Lindsay Lohan uses being a lesbian to shift attention away from her alcohol abuse. Your idea of “going green” is putting up green screens everywhere, like an even more insipid Christo. It’s obvious you don’t give a truck about Optimus Prime and co. Upon the use of the catchphrase “roll out,” my eyes did, out of the back of my head — from a seizure of stupidity. You rely on crude, outdated stereotypes for cheap laughs that make Carlos Mencia seem enlightened. These characters are supposed to be “more than meets the eye,” not shallower than Perez Hilton standing in an inflatable pool. For you, it’s about merchandise bought, not Autobots. If I were a poorly-punning Picard, I’d say, “You make me so sick, Bay, that I need to go to the sick bay.” Then, I’d barf all over Worf just to prove how serious I was to the crew and to have a silly story to record in the Captain’s Log (space, the final frontier…for vomit-inducing vitriol). The only thing you’ve “transformed” (besides a huge pile of garbage into an even larger pile of cash), is dozens of otherwise reasonable dorks like me into raving lunatics, who start internet petitions and write to the UN asking that you be tried for “crimes against humanity” and “assualt and battery” of fond memories. You are more of a disgrace to the word “Bay” than the Bay of Pigs and “Baywatch” combined. You aren’t fit to direct traffic on a one-way street, much less multi-million dollar movies. I could go on, but my medication, if you want to call Ovaltine and a crushed-up asprin that, is starting to kick in. As for the tagline above, we are still “waiting” for a movie that does the franchise justice. Until it arrives, myself and others like me, will continue to (Star)scream.
