I’m not quite sure why so many people are up in arms over Palin resigning, or at least her excuses for it. “I’m doing what’s best for Alaska by leaving office”. Sounds like it’s in the state’s interest to me.

But what’s to happen to dear ol’ Alaska? With Palin so busy counting her “whorin’ bucks”, she’ll have trouble filling in her wide gaping hole when pulling out (first time she’s ever had that problem). I know there’s a reasonable expectation of who will replace Palin as the next governor. I mean, how many drunken lemurs could it possibly take? That doesn’t stop me from coming up with a few suggestions of my own:

1) Rocky – If Palin’s stepping down, you better be damn sure there’s someone who’s willing to watch those crazy Ruskies (they are next door, don’tcha know). If he can kick Drago’s ass, he can take any Russian.
Pros: Speeches would be no less intelligible than Palin’s current ones.
Cons: I couldn’t fucking stand Adrian in an hour and a half movie, 24/7 at his side would be hell.

2) A Shark-bear hybrid – I really hope you’re not questioning my interest in playing God just for the sole purpose of replacing an Alaskan governor. If you’ve got a reason to defy nature, you damn well better take it. I was going to originally say a T-Rex riding a skateboard, but it would require extracting DNA from fossils and we all know they were put in the ground by Satan, so that wouldn’t fly.
Pros: Maulin’, Clawin’, Bitin’. Better than a pitbull with lipstick
Cons: Not quite as attractive in a swimsuit, though close.

That is one frigid bitch. And then there’s the ice cream bar.

3) A Klondike bar – Ok, so it’s an inanimate object. That’s one point against. Otherwise, a perfect fit. They both consist of a thin shell covering up who they really are and crumble when any kind of pressure or heat is applied.
Pros: The ice cream could be pretty inspiring. “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you would do-oo-oo for a Klondike bar”.
Cons: Not nearly as vapid as Palin, which may hurt in the polls.

4) The Baroness – Take a look at Palin. What do you see? Slutty librarian look armed with assault rifles. That’s the Baroness! She’s one dress suit away from being a stunt double
Pros: Will hunt down every one of those last damn wolves. Shooting them from planes would be mercy in comparison.
Cons: Will hunt down your children soon after.

5) An exact clone – What’s not to love about an exact DNA duplicate of Palin? Admittedly, this was a bit of a stretch. Conservatives are going to complain about human cloning. Though on the plus side, we could call her “Parah Salin” and she could fly into every rally off a Parachute attached to a speedboat.
Pros: Same great taste, less filling
Cons: There would be two Sarah Palin’s in the world. Would most likely quit again before end of term.

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